Am I judging myself too hard? Or even acting right?

[Lifesearching]

I’ve been with my bf for just over two years now. But right before I met my bf, me and an old childhood guy friend re connected. The guy friend desperately needed a place to stay and I was the only one available. When he stayed with me, we literally chatted about life and never got intimate. We weren’t as close before that for years but he was my first kiss at 16 yrs old.

Fast forward to the present, I told my bf about the guy friend before being together. I did tell the truth that I never once dated him or had been romantic with him. But I left out that my guy friend was technically my first kiss. It was just so long ago it didn’t feel relevant (Im 32 now) and I have remained strictly friends with the guy since.

However the same guilty thought pop into my conscious often, because the guy friend now as an adult is actually capable of helping me advance career wise. And I’ve made sure to be professional as an adult! I have tried to set firm boundaries, deny help, and even asked my therapist, but guilt knaws at my every now and then. I’ve been stuck between the thought of feeling like I’m hiding a secret, and feeling like if I’m too honest I will break the trust built with my bf, who I am genuinely in deep love with. Like to me he’s marriage material and my bf knows about the guy friend. Never hid anything about our friendship.

I’ve been struggling so much with this every now and then, even if my old therapist told me it’s ok to have guy friends. She told me as long as it’s not happening in the present but why is it still feeling weird?? I just don’t even know that to do. It sounds so child ish but it’s been bothering me a lot! I wish I had been upfront before we got serious, but even other counselors have told me not to make a big deal of it unless brought up.

I’d also like to make clear I’m also not cheating or seeing that guy friend separately while in my relationship. This drives me into an insane overthinking spiral every now and then. I just wonder, if my bf knew about the first kiss thing, would that change how often he’s ok with me getting help from the guy friend. And not that I’m asking at all! In fact I’ve considered either stopping contact wit him and even tried distancing myself! It’s driving me up a wall and I don’t know who to talk to about it!

[LoveforAll41]

I guess I'll put in my two cents. I am sorry that you have to deal with this eating at you Lifesearching.

I'll try to see what I would feel if my wife were in the situation that you are in.

What do your meetings with this person look like? Do they happen at work during work hours? If that is the case and you are not going out of your way to spend time with this person I think that if it would make you feel better telling your bf that this person was your first kiss, that would be fine. I think your bf could handle it. I have some female friends from when I was in a treatment center and I text them in a group or call them on a long drive sometimes. I don't ever go spend time with them, at least not without my wife.

Anyway, if this is strictly a work relationship that happens at work and nowhere else I think it would be fine to tell your boyfriend and not expect him to be upset at all. If you are meeting outside of work hours just one on one I don't think it would be bad to tell your bf, but it may be reasonable that he would be upset 🤷‍♂️

Sorry, I don't really know where I am going here. I believe in honesty in everything, so I think ultimately you should tell your bf how things are (you are not attracted to this person at all, have no desire to be intimate, but he was your first kiss 16 years ago) and be prepared to make some changes or distance yourself from this individual if your bf wishes you to. 🤷‍♂️ Again, just my thoughts as I ramble on here.☮️

[Mentalhealthmatter]

never keep secrets from your partner… cause then your friend is also going to ponder about the relationship between you and him which could possibly lead to worse outcomes… only time will tell whether you have chosen the right partner

[Lifesearching in reply to Mentalhealthmatter]

This is so true🙏🏽💙

[Lifesearching]

I ended up telling my bf just now. I feel better, but also fully aware that the truth can bring about a number of consequences. I just know it’s the right thing, and the words of God filling my spirit to take that action