Involuntary Commitment

[marsattack11]

Hi everyone, since being clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression after three years suffering, I thought things might take a turn toward being less worse, if not better. But I could never manage my expectations correctly?

Last week during a confrontation my family talked about having me sent to a mental institution (for context, I've taken leave from work since my diagnose b/c the environment is really triggering, and as a result temporarily lost access to onsite housing. I am trying to recuperate at home.) I told them it's utterly incongruous as they first took away my prescribed medication and told me pills are addictive, I need to get better on my own etc. For a while I believed them. Now they jumped from 'no meds' to 'pack you off to a psychiatric ward.' I tried to understand the reasoning behind all this, but they just said, by the look of it, I'm not getting better on my own, so better spend the rest of my life in a place fit for my condition. I talked myself into taking it for the heat of the moment.

Today one of my family slipped up saying they have agreed yesterday that they would indeed send me to a certain institution in our area pending an unspecified grace period from their judgement. I know I should run, but to be honest I'm really, really tired of all this. I am accused of victimising myself and being unable to toughen up, and using my mental issues to extract advantages from my family. God knows I've tried to stay 'normal' for how long, worrying if I break it would let them look so bad. In the end they told me I always made things about myself, and that I couldn't focus on getting through day by day like so many of the older generation have managed. I know the latter part is the definitive truth, which is why I feel so guilty. I should be able to shift my focus from how I feel to external stuff, then I would not constantly compound my pain by looking in and finding out. I should be able to get better on my own, 'people are experiencing deeper shite than you do out there every day, you think they have themselves pampered with therapy and meds and taking time off from work? " They said. I know it's the truth.

I failed myself, I failed all that time and money invested on me. Although I didn't ask for this, no one really forced me to do anything with death threat or some. It's all my making. So why fight being involuntarily committed? In a sense it's comeuppance. I guess I deserved it as I no longer even have the fight in me to break out, to tell others they're wrong. Because what's the use? I'm the one that has made my life a mess, not them. They're out there conquering their demons and traumas from childhood, why did I make such a fuss about myself only? My family have their problems, and it's not their responsibility to take me in, mentally or physically. It's totally ungrateful of me to expect they wouldn't want to farm out the trouble, or expect them to acknowledge that they passed down traumas from their family to me. Whatever affected me in my upbringing is in theirs too, but they managed without, again, 'therapy and meds and taking time off from work'. By seeking an outlet for my pain, am I not perpetuating the myth that I should be different? That I demand more? So I came to terms with them saying my illness was about being selfish, and their decision to have me institutionalised.

It's wonderful to enter this community. I look forward to reading some words from you. But there's a voice in me saying that by posting this I'm simply trying to justify myself. Do I want sympathy? I am not that sure any more. What I pray for but can never get is the absolvement of the wrongs I've done in this journey. I wish my life could end but rest assured I lack the resolve to do it, as with so many things.

With love

[Pooh75]

Take a moment to truly listen—I share this from a place of genuine care. You might feel that others are doing better than you right now, but I promise you, you are in a stronger position than I was just a year ago. Believe it or not, there are people who look at you and wish they could be in your shoes. This journey of life is a continuous cycle of perspectives and experiences. I know a thing or two about hardship; I found myself in a mental health facility at one point, and yes, my situation grew more complicated than yours currently may be. But here’s the most important part: that experience transformed my life in ways I never imagined possible! Through it all, I gained invaluable coping skills, participated in meaningful classes, and fully embraced the resources available, including the gym. Initially, it took me some time to engage, but by the end, I had gained a few friendships and discovered that I wasn't alone in my struggles. I encountered individuals from various backgrounds, differing in wealth, race, and faith—all of that faded into the background as we bonded over our shared humanity. For the first time, I felt truly understood. Even today, I maintain connections with some of those people, and I still dive into the books that inspired me back then. They transformed my approach to medication—some adjusted, some added, and others removed. While I can't speak for everyone, I can tell you that this experience was a turning point for me, and I genuinely hope you find something similar. I want you to experience that same relief and clarity I discovered. I understand that not all places are like the one I attended, but wherever you are, make the most of it. Know that even if it feels like no one is cheering you on, I am here, believing in you wholeheartedly. It’s crucial to remember that just because someone appears to have it all together doesn’t mean they do. We each face our battles, and not everyone can simply 'pull themselves up by their bootstraps.' Your journey is unique, and it’s okay to seek support. Together, we can navigate through this—and emerge even stronger.

[marsattack11 in reply to Pooh75]

Thank you. I read this, then re-read this, and I can't tell you exactly how your sharing made me feel in that moment; since then what I know is I have refused to hear certain truths and chosen to only look at those that served my self-damaging narrative. But your journey sowed seeds of healthy doubts, breaking some unnameble ground in my feelings. I was led to believe that people are what they project, and even if I am no longer 'the same', I could still project as such if only I have the strength. But knowing that there're people who would cheer me on no matter I currently have the strength or not, and no matter which path I take, I feel it is not entirely impossible to see a new lease of life somewhere down the line. Thank you for being brave and open about what you have been through, which means an incredible lot to me.

With love