It’s been months and I’m indifferent. Never really feeling good

[User315]

First post going to explain a lot so thanks to anyone reading it. I don’t expect a response. I suppose to start and keep it short I’ve been feeling like this for ~4 /5 months now I think. I’m just not feeling great. I try to do a lot to improve such as kickboxing, weightlifting, cold exposure, video games, music production, learning another language, and read the Bible, (maybe more just all I can think rn) I try to be a man of Christ but for as much as it’s helped me I feel part of my perception of it has taken it a way I shouldn’t have. That is where nothing really matters. I care about it but I don’t care about myself or really a lot. I should care about heaven but I honestly don’t. I don’t feel a lot towards if not all that I do most of it. I’m questioning a lot and my mentality has split from my physical being. Even my spirituality. Though the reason I’m still here is because of the devastation it would bring to some. I found peace before but something happened. I could list what could be considered problems but others probably have it worse. I say and try to be grateful for it so I hope I am actually internally. Plus I don’t like to think about any of it when I can because it’s not positive so why include it in your life. It’s just I don’t really have a will to live especially none for myself. I’ve been thinking about drugs but I’ve seen what they’ve done and it probably wouldn’t go the greatest. I try to do good and help others which I’m not sure how well that’s going but I at least try to show others what the love of God does and that it’s amazing. He should fulfill me so am I not letting him or what is it? Probably not meant to know but idk if I’m trying to do this life thing. Is at least how I feel so I aim to ignore it. But in doing so I think that doesn’t leave room for growth because you’re not feeling happy. I’ve tried to figure it out but can’t probably never will. I don’t know what else I can do so I found myself here after chatting with 988 many times. I don’t even know if I want to feel better, just want to be able to live with it. I don’t care for myself and want to give others a lot especially because some people were deprived. That’s a slim reason I feel for my purpose but you can only help someone who wants to be helped but you can always uplift and speak for the Lord. After all we’re all people and similarly different. I probably need therapy but don’t think I’ll go to it, plus don’t think I’m able right now. Though if I really wanted to I could/would make time for it. Also I usually don’t like posting things like this because I don’t want pity but I’m running out of options honestly. But I hope everyone reading is well, even if we’re all in the same boat or not and I could probably go on and on the way my brain works but no point.

[User315]

also I don’t know if it’s depression because I try not to believe in it more so meaning just think positively. And if Im still breathing what’s the issue. I’ve never been diagnosed for things but never been tested. I’m sure a lot of us in the newer days have a lot just because the way society is tbh

[zeezou]

I hope typing it all out gave you some clarity. We are in the same boat (minus the Christ part because I am agnostic) but I hope and pray that it gets easier for you. Hold tight, you'll be fine. Sending love! 💞

[User315 in reply to zeezou]

I hope too tbh. Thanks for your response hope you’re well homie. Part of myself is agnostic but I stick to Christ because it’s specific + there is some evidence behind some things. Also why it’s called faith though tbh