Tonight’s another night like hundreds of others. It’s 1 am and I’m crying. I’m so tired. I’ve been tired my whole life. I’ve been tired the past 5 years that this has been worse. I’m 18. I shouldn’t be this tired. I should be finishing my first year of college, but instead I failed and came home early. Instead, I came home to a town I hate where there’s even less of a life for me, but I have no way of leaving. I’m longer on medications, not that they even worked hahaa, because my access to psychiatric care has been inconsistent at best. I’m lonely, an emotional wreck, and trying in vain to fill my days so I don’t feel anything. All the while I’m trying to be remember to do all of the things I don’t really know how to do. I need to appeal for a refund on my tuition. I need to get set up with a new psychiatrist, whom I’ll have to travel 2 and a half hours to see (my mom will have to drive because I don’t have experience driving in cities even if it’s a small one). I have to get a job because I’m broke, as in -$93 in my bank account and at best $40 cash broke. I’m probably forgetting something on this stressful little list. I don’t think my mom understands how much help I need, no matter how many times I try to tell her. And I feel so stuck - more than I did in high school because I’ve had a small taste of personal freedom, even if it was only a few months. Now I’ve been thrown back in my little small town box with a few extra problems and a lot more pain. I want so badly to leave, but I have none of the tools to do it and I can’t seem to help myself. So I’m here and writing this pathetic monologue late at night hoping I don’t wake anyone up by crying. If you read all of this thank you. Goodnight (maybe).
title: Tonight’s another night like... - Anxiety and Depre...
title
Hi. It's four am here and I'm up too stressing out. I'm worried about my daughter failing sixth grade. Three days left until I find out. I can't afford summer school as my husband has been unemployed for nearly two years. We are living with his mother. The only other nurse at work quit Friday so I have to run the whole show once again and it's overwhelming.
I know how you feel. Life can be so hard at 18 or at 46. You are just starting out though so there is definitely hope to get on the right path. Will you go back to school or try a job? You must be so overwhelmed by decisions right now.
Please don't cry. Take things one at a time. Take a break for a bit to think about a good plan. We are here for you.
I respect nurses so much. I could never do it. I know in my head that I have a lot of time, but I have a talent for not realizing how much time I’m wasting. I have so much I want to do and I don’t want to feel like I’m behind. I want to get a PhD in anthropology and that takes more tine than a four year degree. I want so badly to be able to be a good student but I’ve always had this inside me holding me back. And right now it’s like I can’t do anything and I’m just in this state of itching to do more but not being able to.
What if you take a break and not push it right now? Get your thoughts together and go back to school when you are ready. Getting well is not wasting time.
I know the time period for your degree is overwhelming but take it one semester at a time and don't look at the big picture. It will be so worth it.
I mean I am taking a break and I made that decision for myself in March. I think right now one of the problems is the pressure my mo is putting on me even though the job market in my town for someone like me is very low, and I’m worried I’m not even capable of handling a job right now.
I understand. A job may be too much right now. Mom's really know how to put on the pressure. I know she is worried and is only trying to her. Maybe talk to her so she understands where you are at right now.
Hi Susie
So sorry to hear how bad you are feeling, my heart goes out to you. I suffer from GAD and depression so know what these lonely nights can feel like.
I hope you sleep and that things will feel a bit better in the morning.
One thing I found is helpful if you are feeling overwhelmed by all sorts of tasks that are really difficult to do is to put each of them in your diary or on your calendar for a different day of the week and then put them to the back of your mind until it is that day. Do not endlessly worry about all of them and feel so overwhelmed you get none of them done. If you are in a particularly low place, do not try to do any tomorrow, make your only job to put them on your calendar. Then feel good and reward yourself by doing something you enjoy or relaxes you because you have done well because you have made a plan. The reward may only be to lie in bed and read or listen to music if that is all you are up to at present.
Forget the tasks completely until it is the day to do that one task and make sure you do it or at least attempt it so some progress is made and reward yourself again. This will not only get the tasks done but also help you to feel better.
You are doing so well in that you are managing to keep yourself busy when you are feeling really down so be proud of yourself for that also.
Do not dwell on having not passed or finished your course, you did well to cope at all with depression. It is really hard for your mum to understand it fully when she has not experienced it herself. I find my partner cannot really understand.
I am sure you will start to feel much better, just carry on keeping busy and sticking to your plan but also being kinder to yourself and allowing yourself to feel positive at each achievement, however small.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Kim
Thank you. I feel like I get the idea to do things like this but I’m so scattered and forgetful I don’t even remember to do the things that are meant to help me remember the actual things, if that makes sense. Another problem I’m having with it is that my mom is an olympic nagger. For someone as moody and irritable as I am these days, it’s hard for me to get past the fact it annoys me to the point I get mad and no longer want to do it. And by the time I calm down and am trying to set my mind to get organized about it, my mom nags me again. Of course I know it’s because she cares and that I’m being completely juvenile, but at the same time she doesn’t seem to understand why I’m having these issues and do anything to adjust her methods.
Susiemay
You've received some great advice. You are moody and irritable due to depression and lack of sleep doesn't help that.
When I get this way I tell my husband right out that I'm irritable and it's not going to be a good day. He knows on these days I don't care about incidental thinks like he needs a haircut... just go get it I don't care.
Just tell your mom what you are going thru. Doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just that you are having a hard time and doing the best you can right now.
You said you had paper work from school to fill out. Is there anyone in the school office that could help you. Simply say I've been sick and having a hard time with this. I need help. Don't disclose what's going on just say you have no one else to help you. Mayb that will work.
Susie
I really get that. It is so hurtful when people important to us fail to understand.
Like Mel suggested perhaps try to talk to her to help her understand.
It may be wise to pick a time when you are being positive with each other and that you both have time and are not likely to be feeling distracted.
If you can start by being really positive with her such as saying how you understand it is just because she cares etc. Also I find it is more likely to be listened to if you can say something positive as well about how great she is in others ways. Sorry if all this is obvious to you. I also understand it is easier said than done. Noone responds well to nagging.
You sound as if you have some really ambitious plans for your future studies and will do very well. You may need to try to cut yourself some slack at present. There will be time to achieve what you wish to in the future. I agree with Mel that you need to give yourself time to get better.
I should stop replying as you need to sleep, it is 11.00 am for me but if I do not reply now I am likely to loose this thread.
Try to sleep and feel free to reply at another time if you wish to so you get some sleep.
Kim
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