work sucks ramble

[Coolgreys]

I’m always torn between follow your dreams and be grateful for what you have.

Some days I hate work. I hate my job. It’s not hard but it means nothing to me other than a steady paycheck. I’m grateful for a steady paycheck but there’s no passion or joy involved. I’m living but I’m not alive. I go through the motions like a good employee- go to bed early, prepare my outfit the night before, catch the bus and go to the meetings, say hi to people… bye to people, then it’s basically the same thing in reverse. Rinse and repeat. Day in, day out. Depressing.

”Oh but gratefulness is the key to happiness blah blah bs”

I’m beginning to see a pattern in me. I think I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m desperate. I’m 41, I’m middle aged. I have another 40 (hopefully) and what will I do with these 4 decades? So far in my life, I’ve been very passive, scared, and unsure about practically everything. I never know if I’m doing anything right. Did my anxiety and depression make me behave this way? Or did my behavior turn me into an anxious and depressed person?

I’ve spent the last 2 decades at my job developing skills I care nothing about. Mostly because I could never imagine a future. It all seemed like a black wall. ”Will the future come? I’m not sure. Will it? Someone please tell me what to do!”

Ugh I hate being this way. Yet here I am. The future has come after all and it keeps coming. What will I do with myself? Will I keep marching on like a robot? Will I ever amount to anything? Is this good enough? Is this good enough for me? Do I have to keep doing meaningless things for other people to survive? What a shitty feeling.

As an introvert, I think I come alive the most when I do something I consider brave, when I come out of hiding and guarding. It usually has something to do with sharing myself with the public. Sometimes posting my art on instagram makes me feel alive. Sometimes it’s dancing with and in front of other people that makes me feel alive. Or even “taking care of business” as in calling up the bank or phone company to get some answers makes me feel like a much bigger, stronger, more capable person. I feel good inside. Solid. Like I exist.

idk, I guess I could have put this in my journal instead of here. But maybe this helps me feel alive too. I just hate my job and hate the anxiety I get from work emails and texts. They are calling me to action for things I care nothing about. Although I do experience a satisfaction from putting in a hard day of honest work. So what do I care about? Idk… my free time to explore inspiration? Health? Quality time with my partner… maybe not much else.

I don’t know what kind of depression there is out there but mine is mostly the “what’s the point?” kind of depression. Existential crises. Perhaps it’s because I have too much time on my hands. maybe it’s because I’m slacking off at work so I can run on a chronic baseline of anxiety. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. I may be a perfectionist. Maybe I’m too easy on myself. Am I putting too much or too little pressure on myself? It depends on who I ask I guess. When did I become like this? Who started it? Was it the lifestyle or the mental illness? Oh right, it was the chronic trauma then… who knows.

I’d like to think I can beat this thing. That I can overcome my hardships and become some wise and knowing elder. Someone with inner peace and an aura of well-being. But right now I’m like a rat in a cage. Vicious. Angry. Seeking justice. Seeking the method of true escape. I never consider self-harm or harming others. I just want to heal and feel alive. I want to confront every single thing that has ever scared me and never run away scared again. Never fear those boogey men under the bed again. Said the scared soft-spoken little girl inside me. There’s so much to work on.

anyways, at least I got through another work day. And now I can go be anxious on my couch.

[optimismrus]

Thanks for sharing. It must have felt good to get that off your chest. You remind me of when I was a secretary (20 yrs) and I felt like I was putting on a costume to go to work, because I knew in my heart that wasn't who I was. Awful. Probably the most important breakthrough for me was finding a philosophy I could get behind. The Center for Spiritual Living was good for me. I finally felt like I belonged and found like-minded people. It changed my life. I went back to school and became a teacher. Your writing shows that you are wise and you want to grow. Sometimes we have to find our own center/spirit in order to find the answers that best serve us. Wishing you clarity and continued growth. You've got this! 🥰

[Coolgreys in reply to optimismrus]

That’s a very interesting approach. Finding support and a philosophy to get you on track to finding a fulfilling career. I might try visiting a local CFSL at some point. I’m always trying to find like-minded people. Thank you for your encouragement!

[Scarletsunrise]

It sounds like you are doing fine. I am a lice to work person so I could not do work that did not center my values. I would do really well at a job for 2-3years and I'd get no further things would start to unravel and I'd move on. Found a job I love and would not imagine doing anything different. My work gets so much of me so It has to be something I love.If you are satisfied with your work and are a work to live person then that is great too! Focus on the live part! It sounds like youbfind a great deal of meaning and satisfaction in your art and sharing it. Plan fun things that and hobbies that make that job worthwhile

Either way Keep doing brave things

[Coolgreys in reply to Scarletsunrise]

Yeah I think unfortunately my lifestyle of passivity contributes to my depression. Or maybe the depression contributes to the passivity. Maybe it’s an endless loop. I share your sentiment of needing to love what I do. I definitely don’t live to work although the work is good structure and distraction. I’m looking online for something promising. Thank you for the encouragement!

[Franklin68 in reply to Coolgreys]

Depression can create many nasty things in us. Feel better. Do better

[Coolgreys in reply to Franklin68]

Or is it do better, feel better 🤔

[Franklin68 in reply to Coolgreys]

Of course that to, but if we have any form of mental illness that is debilitating, it be difficult to do better

[Franklin68 in reply to Franklin68]

I found answers. Not without a ton of work, that eliminated most of my horrible symptoms, so now I doing things again that I never thought possible

Feeling better has led to a new life

[Coolgreys in reply to Franklin68]

I know, it’s just my mental illness to be hard on myself. I always feel like I’m not doing enough and life isn’t better because I didn’t do enough. It is debilitating!

[Franklin68 in reply to Coolgreys]

I am a miraculous example of recovery. It can happen to you too

Came down to being under medicated for me

Keep Looking for answers. If you find them. I’ll bet your job will be more enjoyable or that you’ll be ready to attack finding something better

[PadThaiNoodles]

I was fortunate to work in a field that I really enjoyed and that paid well. Didn’t stop me from getting major depressive disorder though. As my CBT therapist said, you can’t outrun your genes.

Stay brave.

[Coolgreys in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

I guess it can’t hurt to look around for something new. Maybe some field will peak my interest. Thanks for the encouragement

[metalminded]

Though I'm male and 55 years old, I feel exactly the same way about my job as you do. I've been doing the same thing since I was 19. Yes, I risen in the "ranks" so to speak, but not only has my career stalled in the last 10 years, if not more, but like you, it brings me zero joy and I have zero interest in being here anymore.

I am a warehouse manager. I started off as a warehouse worker at 19 and have been a manager for almost 20 years. I'm not interested in the work, I hate being a manager, I hate having to deal with adults that act like children and don't have the work ethic that I have. It's depressing.

Not to mention I'm on the low end of salary for my experience and since my wife stopped working for health reasons, my lone salary doesn't cut it. There's much more to that part of the story I won't go into.

Over the past 15 years I've had to undergo a kidney transplant (which I will need another since the transplant has been slowly failing) and had my bladder/prostate removed last year due to cancer.

While I was in the hospital after the surgery (which was a nightmare) I felt like it was time for a change. But here it is a year later and I've done nothing. I have an associates degree but lack the finances and brain power (LOL!) to get a bachelor's degree and besides, I don't know what I'd want to go back to school for.

[Coolgreys in reply to metalminded]

Wow, it must be difficult to be at your job with all of the life stuff happening. You sound very tough 💪 It is quite impressive and inspiring. I often wonder how I would respond to physical illness and pain. I would like to think I’d be able to withstand it like you but I often think I’ll crumple very quickly and quietly go with a sigh. I don’t have any intention of going back to school for the same reasons you listed. I have to figure something out though… if only to have something to work towards because this is not it.

[metalminded in reply to Coolgreys]

It can be sometimes. After having been through the cancer, what I do seems so unimportant. People that freak out on me for getting product out (we aren't saving lives, we distribute pigment and related chemicals) I just really don't care.

I don't know how I've gotten through things and keep coming into work. I guess it's more having no other options right now. I would love to try something else, but that would likely involve a huge pay cut which wouldn't be possible.

I agree! After spending so many years doing this and not getting anywhere is frustrating and definitely not it for me either! It's painful when I have to listen to someone who's higher up on the food chain and I can't fathom how they go to be where they are. Some of the decisions that are made by executives are so ridiculous my brain feels like it's going to explode! LOL!!

[Hidden]

I understand the frustrations I have the same issues. When does life start?

[Franklin68 in reply to Hidden]

Today

[Coolgreys in reply to Hidden]

I read ‘man’s search for meaning’ by viktor frankl over the past summer on a park bench during one of my lowest of times. What I got out of it was that it’s a moment by moment decision. I can’t really think of life in terms of years or decades. It stills feels like trying to see into a void. But I guess I can think about this moment I’m in right now. A deep breath and a sigh feels nice. I think feeling sunshine on my face will feel better so I think I’ll go outside now. And at some point that adds up to a living a life. 🤷🏻‍♀️ good luck to us!