To scared to live : to scared to die

[Ellelou1]

I battle health anxiety and have so many phobias and have myself convinced I have some deadly disease. This is absolutely paralyzing. I am afraid of getting sick and have isolated myself further and if someone near me is sick, I perseverate for days if I am going to catch it. Is there anyone out there is in this situation, I would not wish it on anyone but , It would be good to know of someone who has been there and risen above this. This is crippling. I live in a small rural town where there is little to no access to mental health care.

[PadThaiNoodles]

Sounds somewhat similar to my cousin. He's getting good results from an SSRI, but had to go through a couple of them first (and even then it only started working well after something like 6 months).

You should be able to get some level of treatment through your GP/PCP.

I hope you find something that works for you.

[Ellelou1 in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

Thank you so much for responding . I hope so too

[RS1974]

Yes I suffer from this too. Mine goes where I'm afraid I'm dying. Bump my head on accident and think I'll die of a concussion. It's crippling.I'm here if you need to talk.

[Ellelou1 in reply to RS1974]

Oh, wow. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you have this too , but am so glad you responded . Maybe we can help each other . I would love to connect . Sometimes knowing and talking with others in the same situation will allow us to help each other

[RS1974 in reply to Ellelou1]

Sure . Chat me sometime

[designguy]

My anxiety issue sometimes morphed into health anxiety and I found the youtubes and websites of Paige Pradko and Mathew Codde at Restored Minds helpful, both are therapists who had health anxiety/ocd and have healed themselves and now help others heal. They both have good, clear information about health anxiety. I have some ocd and had not connected it to my health anxiety but it was in my case.

[Weatherwoman in reply to designguy]

This is such a Battle --This Health Anxiety which I have had for SO many years & have had A lot of therapy, meds., self talk, books, you name it. While all the above has helped, I have as yet to "Kick" this CRAP to the curb! I know exactly where mine started growing up in a house where my Mom & Grandma constantly talked about illness, death, and somehow my brain took it All in like a sapped sponge! Other things to blame, but too much to go into to. I did not know that I had OCD till I was 58 (manisfited in health anxiety & other intrusive Horrible thoughts). Did exposure therapy for a long time, helped some. Fast forward a number of years to the Pandemic & Boom, my Health Anx. got intensified Big Time. Then, I took care of my precious Sig. Other & he passed two years ago. My Mom had passed two years before him. I had taken care of her on & off for ten years. So, a combination of being Very Anxious, Life's Stress, loss (lost too many friends) & now Aging alone has me in a setback of sorts which I work on Every Freakin Day. The flu going around, and other viruses has me in a Terrible Mind Set some of the time. Over the years, I have found that being diverted by taking classes, going out with friends, & by myself, a good book, doing hobbies (am retired now), diversion of something that occupies your mind/body helps. However, "My mind is still a dangerous neighborhood" is a given, but it (my mind) can also be occupied by other things in life that are enjoyable. And, it's not "only" worrying about viruses that can "trigger" my over worrying, overthinking. I don't know if any of what I wrote is of any help, but You are NOT alone! I will have to look at the websites suggested on the posts above. Good luck to All of us in finding some peace of mind!

[designguy in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thanks, my background was similar to yours, my father was always concerned about his health and i'm sure I absorbed it and I too have done a lot of different therapy over the years. One of the helpful things I did was to make peace with the idea of dying, it's something we are all going to do and I decided instead of avoiding it I would deal with it and surrender to the flow of life instead of fighting it. I started meditating and It helped me develop a spiritual relationship with living and all life here as well as a belief that we don't actually die, we return to our spirit form and continue on to another adventure - it works for me.

[Weatherwoman in reply to designguy]

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, making peace with dying would help as long as one doesn't suffer too much at the end! Having a spiritual path & believing that our spirit is always alive even after our bodies die would Definitely help. Surrender to the flow of life instead of fighting It-- this & All you have written - I thank you for sharing. I am SO glad that your have found what seems like a path to peach of body & mind!

[Weatherwoman in reply to Weatherwoman]

Peace, not "peach!" Again, I thank you as I can relate to what you have written.

[designguy in reply to Weatherwoman]

LOL, you're welcome. I read a few years ago about learning to parent ourselves healthily since most of us on here were never parented in a healthy constructive manner and were even punished for attempting to and it made sense to me. For me it required making friends with my anxiety and inner critic and being vigilant about being the parent to myself I never had and being compassionate with myself. It's a process of unwrapping the onion and is ongoing but gets better over time.

[Weatherwoman in reply to designguy]

Again, what you wrote above, it So helpful. While my Mom meant the best, I am sure --She, herself, was a Very Nervous person & Full of Anxiety being that I was her first born. Also, I had colic, etc. & she told me in her later years that she was "scared to death" for me as a baby & and in my very early years. Generational Anxiety has been passed down as my Grandmother, my Mom's Mother went through Extreme Trauma, and so I am sure that if I had had children, I probably would have passed down this generation anxiety (Plus, my Sig. Other of 27 years was an anxious person --We often "joked" of how it was probably a good thing we didn't have children)! Anyway, I don't blame my Mom, altho. I know A lot of my Anxiety comes from Nature & Nurture--it's just the "cards that were dealt!" That doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had had a calmer, not so anxious/nervous parent(s)! Yes, I do need to be more compassionate with myself! It's a process!

[Ellelou1 in reply to Weatherwoman]

Yes, it sure is a process and I’ll have good years, think ingot it best, then boom, there it is again . And yes , I come from 5’gemerstions of histrionic women . My mother is still alive and so anxious she can hardly function

[Weatherwoman in reply to Ellelou1]

Exactly. Our Anxiety State doesn't come from nothing, for sure! My Mom was always functional, but Always, or most of the time Very, Very Nervous, Anxious, worrisome about the family, and me A Lot!

[Ellelou1 in reply to designguy]

I love this . You just put the nail on the head

[Ellelou1 in reply to designguy]

Oh thank you so much. I will definitely look them up . I can see that as I have ocd as well .

[designguy in reply to Ellelou1]

You're welcome, a few more things that have helped me; learning that my anxious thoughts were lies and to never believe them no matter how weird or scary they were, their purpose was originally to protect me but I no longer need that kind of protection. Another was to make peace with the idea of dying, it's something we are all going to do and I decided instead of avoiding it I would deal with it. It helped me develop a spiritual relationship with living and all life here as well as a belief that we don't actually die, we return to our spirit form and continue on to another adventure - it works for me.

[Beevee in reply to designguy]

Hi. It is all connected. OCD, health anxiety, relationship anxiety, agoraphobia, generalised anxiety disorder etc etc. They are all connected because they are all caused by fear. Forget the labels given to them which are misleading.

It's just that fearful thoughts are magnified by anxiety and given a false sense of importance. Some of those scary thoughts resonate with them, find them particularly frightening or hurtful so they simply cant let them go and focus their attention on them, adding more worry and stress. I call them the what ifs. What if its serious and I die, what if I dont love my partner? 😱

The root cause is always the same. Fear. This means the cure is the same too and that is to let the scary thoughts come, acknowlege their presence, observe the content then let them go with zero resistance.

Unless the thought is let go, it snowballs so the anxious person worries about it even more and the thought keeps popping up. They can't let it go and a vicious cycle is created.

Before long, they have built up a very strong fear so try their best to avoid it or do things to suppress or address the [irrational] thought. The door is left open for OCD to enter... "I'll check doors and window locks multiple times, every day because I fear being burgled. "

I was so stressed and full of fear all day, every day, I could so easily have become agoraphobic and hidden away from the world [avoidance].

Some would call it GAD and that might be a good description because the subject of my fearful thoughts were widespread. However, it was the irrational scary thoughts about my health and marriage that worried me the most so they kept coming back and hurt me more than all the others, of which there were thousands!

This could also be interpreted as PTSD . Something traumatic happens but the person is unable to let go of the fearful thoughts / flash backs so they unwittingly fall into the same cycle as a person with social anxiety. They avoid, suppress, deiberately distract etc.

Acceptance of all fearful thoughts and feelings is the key to recovery.

[designguy in reply to Beevee]

I totally agree, acceptance is key and reframing them into constructive thoughts is helpful for growth and self-acceptance.

[Ellelou1 in reply to Beevee]

That’s so insightful and true .

[Weatherwoman in reply to Beevee]

SO True --FEAR is the culprit whether it be labeled as OCD, GAD, PTSD, or whatever --it's ALL the same underlying Four Letter Word --FEAR!!! Acceptance of these fearful thots., esp. the ones that begin with "What if!" Acceptance of these thots. & feelings with understand -- Dr. Clair Weeks book, Hope & Help for your Nerves talks much about "Acceptance!" Her book is most helpful. Though, I do still struggle, I am better to understand, and manage, tho. Not easy. Am dealing with Grief & loss now (among other life changes) & I do know that "acceptance" can help, though SO hard to do. Thx. for your post.

[Beevee in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thank you and very sorry to learn that you are going through tough times.That was the first book I read and given to me by a my wife's friend. I then bought Essential Help for your Nerves and kept practising acceptance, although it did take me time to really understand what that meant. Hard when you are full of anxiety and kept being triggered by the content!

I've mentioned it before but

Anxietynomore.co.uk also helped me alot and worth visiting if you are still grappling with acceptance. The website is free and created by Paul David who overcame crippling anxiety through acceptance.

The rest is down to us and like you say, it's not easy but with practice and perseverance, letting it all go gets easier and becomes second nature.

Best wishes ❤️

[Weatherwoman in reply to Beevee]

Thank you for your kind reply & condolences. I shall look at that website of Paul David! Helpful just reading & writing on this HU site, Yes! Hugs, W.W.

[Agora1]

Ellelou1, I remember saying those words as well "Too scared to Live, Too scared to Die"

I heard the word "Hypochondriac" thrown around about me and I hated it. I wasn't making

these feelings and symptoms up. I rationally thought I had a disease. At least I thought it

was rationally.

Then as time went by, I realized that I was concentrating on something I had no control

over and that was death. However, I did have control over living and not just existing.

That is when my thoughts started changing for the better. Live in the moment. Let every

day count and live to the fullest. So when my day comes, I can know that I used the

gift I was given. Life is Amazing Ellelou1 if we take hold of what is positive and not

dwell on the negatives. Breathe dear.... xx

[Ellelou1 in reply to Agora1]

You are so right and I’m training my brain to those thoughts and the minute the negative comes in , I switch gears

[Agora1 in reply to Ellelou1]

If you have to Ellelou1, say "Stop" out loud when changing gears.

Sometimes the shock of hearing our own voice scares negativity out

of sight, out of mind lol xx

[Ellelou1 in reply to Agora1]

I like that .