anxiety and insecurity

[Coolgreys]

I don’t even really know what to say. The topic of being insecure in a relationship is difficult to admit to and own. It makes my head spin, like there are too many thoughts flying in at once and the feelings are so strong they take my breath away. It’s fear mostly and makes me cry.

I don’t want to feel insecure and jealous and anxious. It feels bad to feel this way. It always shuts down the possibility of having a good time. I want to have a good time.

So how do I get rid of it? I think there are two root causes of it. 1.) lack of self-worth/love/esteem. 2.) lack of communication. I’m desperately working on #1 but I think it is something that takes lots of time to course correct. Why does my trauma get to dictate how I see and feel myself? I do not agree to this arrangement. #2 is incoming.

I think it needs to be communicated what specifically triggers my insecurity, jealousy, and anxiety. I think if I feel confident in our relationship, then I won’t be triggered. Pretty simple. What do I need to feel confident in the relationship? I need to feel seen and heard and wanted. More specifically, I don’t want to feel left out or ignored in any way. Again, pretty simple. More specifically, I don’t want to feel humiliated. And maybe some of these feelings get blown out of proportion because of goddam #1.

Does anyone have advice? Stories to share? Please and thank you.

[linuxusr]

Hi Coolgreys: In one word "security" in a relationship is the problem you are stating. Security can be due to one factor or it can be due to many factors and take different forms. The first question to answer regarding your security is this: Is your security due to external factors over which you have little or no control? If so, be specific. The second is do you feel that the security to due to internal factors, emotions, that appear to be somewhat disconnected and, if so what are they? You wrote a long essay but you didn't give a single example describing insecurity! If you can provide some details, as I suggested above, maybe I can help.

[Coolgreys in reply to linuxusr]

Thank you for the reply and willingness to help! My original post was a novella. I was trying to work it out through writing and really left out the juicy bits when posting lol. I do believe it is mostly an internal factor of having low self-esteem/confidence. I read The Origins of Shyness by The School of Life this morning and it really hit home for me. I do believe my struggles come from a distorted world view and perception of myself… really nothing that can’t be gently fixed with intentional practice and time. I welcome any insights you are willing to share.

[linuxusr in reply to Coolgreys]

Anytime Coolgreys! Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I am making dramatic improvement as a patient in psychoanalysis but I still have a long way to go. No matter how you cut it, and no matter what type, therapy is as hard as hell. I'm predicting one half to one year before I can cut it loose. I'm 71 and time is not on my side.

[Coolgreys in reply to linuxusr]

Oh I wish you the best. I have been working with a therapist off and on for 4 years. After about a year I “graduated” and I didn’t see her for a while but I came back, then quit, and now I’m back and dedicated to ironing out my issues, hopefully once and for all. It certainly is hard as hell but also eye-opening and very much worth it. No matter how much time we have (regardless of age) it is important to have that endpoint of cutting it loose in mind. I don’t want to be in therapy for the rest of my life! I think I saw a meme once that said at some point you have to end therapy and decide your issues are just your personality Haha! Hopefully I end on a personality I enjoy

[linuxusr in reply to Coolgreys]

Absolutely, we do not want to die while in therapy. On the other hand, if the suffering is too great, and the therapy is giving relief, then why not? As you may have read from other posts I was in psychoanalysis for 6.5 years, five days per week from when I was 17-23. It was very successful and except for a few crises, I had a good life for 50 years, then I tanked, all kinds of mental conflicts and disconnections, severe anxiety and depression. Now, at 71, I have six sessions per month and I am making rapid improvement again, including fixing problems that go back decades. So you are right, when you need therapy again, you go back to it! "Just your personality"! LOL!