Disturbed state of mind

[Username1114]

I recently experienced loss of friendship. It's been 3 months. Initially, I was in denial phase running from my feelings, acting like nothing major happened. I kept myself busy, working on multiple things, feeling like I am finally out and my decision to keep distance from my friend is a rational one (friendship was turning extremely toxic). But, I have noticed that i am not getting better. With that (denial)approach, it was easy to logically approach everything. However, lately I am feeling overwhelmed, ruminating a lot, replaying harsh conversation I had with my friend over and over again. This pattern is on loop and even though I am aware of it, it is becoming difficult to manage.

I am losing my interest in things, most of the time i just sleep, not working on things I am passionate about. Everytime I think of doing something productive, I find myself avoiding those tasks. I just need little courage to initiate those tasks again (very little effort is required to complete but still I am just paralyzed).

I am becoming overly religious. I think I am using faith as defense mechanism, or I should rather say misusing that defense mechanism.

Confrontation with what just happened to me and how easily I lost someone who was once dear to me is extremely difficult. I was getting better (self harm related thoughts were not excessive rather subsiding) but now even that is not the case. Yesterday I was having this intense urge to engage in risky behaviors. My mental health is getting messed up again and I am so disappointed. I don't want to be in that miserable state again. It took 3 precious years of my life.

Theoretically I know these advices (I should have goals, break them into smaller ones or find purpose, think about things I am grateful for) but emotionally, nothing is making any sense. I am deeply lonely. People do call me (but only when they are experiencing something sad) but now when i am in similar state I have no connections. I am no longer interested in virtual connections (although those are helpful I admit) but real face to face connection is what I long for. How come we have million of people on this earth and still this feeling that "I am so lonely" Stays.

I think what triggered this depressive state in me is my birthday. Everything was going okay okay, I was trying to move on but on my birthday, my friend (one with whom I have no friendship now) called. It was not just one call. She was calling continuously (using different phone numbers + calling my family members as well) and i didn't want to ruin my day, so no contact from my side. Birthdays are already hard for me (#retrieval cue , reminds me of my father who is no longer part of our family).

Funny thing: she knows about that trauma, she knows that I experience emotions intensely. And that I am keeping distance from her for a reason. Can't have her continuously gaslight me, making me feel ashamed for things I am not ashamed of and making me feel inferior for no reason. It's like she is still putting herself as priority AGAIN (I used to listen to her rant, as she is unhappy in her married life). I Subconsciously want her to respect my boundaries and decisions for this once.

I just want to get better. Whoever is reading this, please pray for me.

[Hidden]

As a survivor of more than one toxic relationships I can relate.

In real life people are fickle.

It's important to be your own best friend.

Pugsly says let me lend you a hug.

[KindLee]

It sounds like you are aware that the friendship you had was not good for you and it's good that it's come to a halt.

The unease you may be feeling might be due to the good memories you have had with the person in question before the friendship turned. There's no reason for you to ignore these memories or to feel bad about the good times you have had with this friend.

As you probably know, people change. Any change might include having to lose friendships. When this happens a time of mourning happens even if the loss is to your benefit. I hope you mourn the loss you feel and can look forward to realizing that you now have the ability to find more beneficial friendships to you soon.

Take care.

[AsoingerbobTheGreat]

I will pray for you. Because this is just heartbreaking. I mean who does she think she is to consider herself the victim??? Besides that, yes, I will be praying for you. Stay safe. ❤️

[HopeforMiami]

I'm so sorry you're going through this awful time. I know it's really hard and painful to get out of a toxic relationship, so I congratulate you for being brave enough and strong enough to do it. It's really important that you never go back because it will be even worse.Don't be afraid to mourne. That is a normal reaction and you can only get through it by allowing yourself the time you need to mourne. It will get better and it may sneak up on you later some times, but stick with it.

This person has no respect for your boundaries and no concern for your feelings or needs. And the only way to be rid of them is to never respond in any way whatsoever. Not even though another person telling them to leave you alone because they will keep coming back for any attention they can get.

Be strong and be good to yourself. I will pray for you 🙏🌞♥️