One Step Forward, how many back?

[DorkiousPrime]

Good morning, World.

Today I go to the GP and work out my next steps. I have not been at work for a couple weeks now and I feel they might be pushing me to make a decision when I'm already at an edge of a cliff; this also might just be my current mindset painting things a certain way.

So what am I feeling? Confused and frustrated at times as there is a real disconnect between how I feel and how I want (or feel I should?) feel.

I should be content; married with a child and a financially secure. I am constantly feel like a failure, that life is not worth living, I'm useless and there is this constant weight on me.

Sometimes I'm listless, I'll walk in a daze and forgot where I'm going. I don't do much before I feel exhausted, this is now both mentally physically.

I am trying to organise myself, I have therapy setup, I reduce caffeine to a morning brew only most days, I do not drink outside of half a pint if there is an interesting tipple on (last drink was 23rd Oct) and I'm watching my food so it's more balanced with more whole foods. Oh, I also do exercise almost daily even if just a short walk. I am finding a meditation and mindfulness difficult to become a routine.

I am trying what I can to maximise my potential and still feel like this but perhaps it's a huge backlog of unresolved stuff? Also, I am not sure what failure to do things is depression? Anxiety? Executive function because of potential neurodivergency?

There is definetly something to explore and I am trying reframing thoughts and 'catching' myself when I fall but it feels like just a holding pattern at the moment without a place to land.

This is not who I am but at this stage I might forgot who I am but is also not who I want to be for myself and family.

I do not doubt I'm alone with some of these feelings.

[hypercat54]

Hi. The key words here are how you think you should feel. You feel how you do and that is fine so I am validating your feelings.

Whether or not these are as result of healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms is another issue. I presume you are working on those in therapy?

Emotions are essential to guiding our lives and we need these to be our true authentic selves and live a rich rewarding life. Without them life is colourless, very dull and depressing. If we don't have ourselves we have nothing.

I too experienced problems like this and worked out it was due to emotional childhood neglect where I learned that I wasn't important and I had to hide my true self to survive it. I was never taught to handle my emotions and developed a disconnect between me and who I thought I had to be to be accepted.

This just leaves you floundering in the world not knowing who you really are and how you want to live your life. So you drift along playing the game but always end up feeling unhappy and unsatisfied.

A few years ago I came across this and very loud bells rang. It has helped me a lot so am posting a link to see if it does with you too.

healthline.com/health/menta...

I hope this helps a bit.

[Needaholiday101]

Hey. I hope your appointment went well and the GP was helpful.

It sounds like you are trying to make a lot of changes and that in itself can be overwhelming. I think the main thing I get from your post is that you are motivated to helping yourself get and that is a huge thing. I think you need to give yourself more credit because although these things don't bring a quick fix it will make a difference. You've got the right idea that not one solution is the key but a variety of things that will make the biggest impact.

Depression/ anxiety is all relative it doesn't care if you are a millionaire or below the poverty line it affects all. Having one thing or a certain situation doesn't mean you shouldn't feel a certain way.

I know you don't know me but I think you're doing great