I got out today. Last time I talked to my landlord he said "what do you do for fun?" I simply looked at him the way any half-dead zombie would that hasn't figured out eating flesh is what it does. I said "I mostly just focus on trying to get a good nights sleep and try to bolster up the courage to overcome my social anxiety."
So he's like "you gotta do some table top gaming, man!" He invited me to come hang for a bit at this place he's gonna be playing a friend for some kind of game in some kind of league. Apparently it has to do with Star Wars and miniature models.
So, today rolled around. I still couldn't sleep well. I woke up after 2 hours from a dream that I was in mortal danger. Apparently, there was some kind of serious threat put out there online. This girl, not taking it seriously, for whatever reason (it's a dream) gave the person my address. I received a strange package containing some kind of wine, which I didn't drink (still dreaming.) I woke up from a bad dream (still dreaming) to find the door, unlocked and didn't feel safe anymore. I ACTUALLY wake up this time, and all of these feelings are still rolling around in my mind, were they real?! Took me awhile to figure out they weren't. I guess that's all the sleep I'm getting for the night!
So I head to this little game hobby shop. Just a bunch of aisles with a bunch of space for a bunch of tables. The environment is intense, but not overwhelming. I found myself a chair and sat down to watch the final stages of preparation before they start some siege between the rebels and the empire. Then, it hits me. A wave of nausea rolls over me. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can feel sweat trickling down my arm. Nah, just breathe and focus on the game in front of me. After a minute or two, the feeling passes. I still feel like I'm about to freak out, but I'm maintaining.
A few minutes later, it happens again. A few minutes later, again. Over the next 2 hours, I hardly say a word. I sit in a chair on the side trying to stay out of people's ways, trying to stay unnoticed (which is pretty effective here), and I struggle to contain my breathing and expression so no one will know I'm about to throw up. I held on! I persevered. At the end of the game, I had a headache and I need a shower, but I made it.
Seeing the way the Darth Vader figurine charged into the rebel forces and survived with it's block rolls and won with it's attack rolls, you might think, the Empire forces won, but you would be wrong. Today, I won. An ache in my gut, smelling like a fish, cradling my head, and puffy eyes, this is what a hard fought victory looks like. That's the true face of combat in a world with social anxiety. Today, victory was mine and the force is with me.
Cant handle any more...
The first step
Next steps...
Stepping Away from my Comfort Zone
Even small steps are progress...
