I should be excited but ...

[HopeforMiami]

I'm about to go to NYC for a Boutique Design show and I should be really happy and excited. How lucky am I?? But, instead I'm a nervous wreck.

My boss is picking me up in a couple of hours (cause he knows me and isn't taking any chances) and I'm just sitting here crying.

My anxiety has been beating me up since I started thinking about packing my bag. . I couldn't pack and it was so late when my clonipin ODT kicked in that now I'm exhausted.

I wish I never agreed to go in the first place, but I've gone to this show before without any trouble. I love NY and this show is a good one.

I just hate my unpredictable anxiety episodes and the depression that feels like I've got an anvil on my chest and can't move.

My boss puts up with me. Of course, I'm a consultant, so he doesn't have to pay for my time when I'm not working, but he's a good 'un. He wants me to go to Cadiz in the spring for drydock (when the ships are under construction) with the client team to oversee the work and I really want to go but I'm terrified.

I'm scared of my depression and anxiety even though we're old friends. It's been over 15 years now and it's been better lately.

I'm so lucky, right? I love my career. I'd do it for free! But I can't take the anxiety and that exhaustion from my meds and the stress.

I'm such a mess! I should be in the shower right now but I need help!!

[Hidden]

I know how this is. You'd think after so many years, you would be OK with the anxiety, but each time it's like the first. I think there's millions who think this way, maybe it's just an inborn thing, If only you knew, you would't try and blame yourself, like I do.

[HopeforMiami in reply to Hidden]

Please don't blame yourself. I'm really trying not to do that on top of everything else. 🙏

[Hidden in reply to HopeforMiami]

OK, I won't! I used to have so much fun taking bus trips to NYC in the 70's- 80's with my mom. The city was so bad, that;s why I enjoyed it! That's how 18 yr olds think. I lived in upstate NY. Hope you have a nice, calm time.

[Hidden]

I can relate. Being paralyzed by an anxiety attack is the worst feeling. I'm sure it doesn't help to tell yourself that it's the result of your body over reacting to stress. The fight or flight response kicking in at the wrong moment.

Maybe get yourself next to some chamomile lavender tea, 2 teabags per cup as many servings as you think necessary, and something to distract you such as your favorite soft music. Try to be patient as it'll take a few minutes to start working. I hope this is helpful.

[HopeforMiami]

Thank you. It's helpful to have people who get it

[CrystalS79]

Yeaha that has to be a really conflicting because you love your job but your anxious at the same time. You had mentioned your on meds, are you doing anything actively in public? Such as group therapy, meditation, yoga or? Maybe when your out and about like going on a walk or even going to a store try to make small talk with people here and there- see if that can help with some of your anxiety. Then because I am on my journal kick lately- maybe journal every time you have these feelings come up. If I don't have my writing journal then I just start typing in my phone under notes or email myself if I don't want to forget something.

[HopeforMiami]

Yes, it's ironic. I do love my job and I love New York too. I just can't control my neurochemistry. My nature is to be open to anything and everyone. I used to be super active and adventurous. I've even been skydiving. But I had a lot of emotional trauma for about 2 years and now my brain chemistry is permanently damaged.I am on meds for depression and anxiety and ADD (but I've always had that and I don't mind it much), so my personality hasn't changed underneath it all, but this illness is like a disability that I've been learning to live with for over 15 years now.

A lot of the time I feel like myself but the anxiety just pops in. The depression is always lurking and creeps up and sometimes it's so bad. I'm just thankful for surviving the really dark times.

I'm on the plane now and feeling better.

Thank you so much for your support and advice. Sometimes we (who know and get it) just need to be there for each other.

Be well and keep journaling! 🌺

[CrystalS79 in reply to HopeforMiami]

Wow! yes, thank you for elaborating. It is truely enlightening to hear from other people and its more then just what we think but it is more complicated & complex.

I just joined this chat room a couple days ago and new to all this.

Have a good trip!

[HopeforMiami]

Thank you. I will enjoy as much as I can! Welcome to the community. You'll find great people who will support and understand you. I couldn't do without this