please help

I don’t know what’s happening with me

I am getting very weird thoughts. Most of the time I cannot even identify them but maybe it’s my mind saying that I cannot identify them, I don’t know.

A bit background; I have had GAD all my life and had gotten the fourth flare up. I am taking 5HTP (the supplement, not the SSRI) 200mg. In previous episodes of GAD, I had fleeting thoughts which I couldn’t understand. The best I can describe them is

“everything is leaking out of my mind and every moment is becoming past. There is no present moment. Each moment is becoming past. And I have to check if I remember it”

its not exactly like this but thats the best I can describe it.

So in this episode something weird is happening with me which I cant understand. I want to type it out because while telling my doctors or therapist, I am unable to articulate it very well. This thought I said is happening with everything (rn I feel fake because I feel like I am exaggerating it and it’s not happening like that. Whenever I try to explain, my mind goes that I am explaining it wrong and it’s not happening like that. I am trying my best to fight against it and type it out)

For example, while playing video game I got this nagging thought in my brain that its becoming past and its fleeting. After a while it goes away but I feel like a mad person. So the next time I am playing the same game, I am unintentionally scanning for the thought and it becomes a loop.

Another example, I was having conversation and during that it started that “how do I know if I remember this conversation. How do I know if it’s registering in my mind. That I am understanding it. Or how does thinking work. Like how am I able to register different things in my mind at a same time” (im trying my best to explain) so now automatically I am afraid of having that thought while I am talking with someone. Or if I am thinking something it starts like “how am i able to think, how does it all stick in my mind.” And i will check if i remember all the previous thoughts. Even as I am typing this, my mind is going, “the lines I have written before,do they exist..have I forgotten them, how does it all stay in my mind”

It starts happening with anything. Movies, conversations. A part of me feels like that its my fault I should not say it out loud, if I do it gets stuck in my brain and then doesn’t go away. Which is happening. Previously it wasnt that bad but I feel like I exaggerated it and made it bad but I need to talk in order to explain whats happening.

Yesterday I was on a walk, I saw a guy sitting there sad and I thought I should talk to him but then again it nagged me that I will have this thought while having a conversation. This happens when I think of therapy as well, that during therapy how will i remember everything, and what if this thought starts coming again and again. When I think of my hobbies, im scared of having thoughts like this because its almost unexplainable how it happens.

Even right now I feel like I lied about everything and its not exactly how it happens. It gets so suffocating that I feel like the only solution is to die. Because my brain starts pestering me that I wont understand the solutions or give me the same thought in something productive or like if I am deep breathing or managing anxiety, it starts to nag me that my brain will go against me and start pestering me with this thought and I get very scared. And its happening like I start to get anxiety about anything..like texting a friend, in that it starts to make me feel that I will get that thought, and most of the time i dont understand why I have anxiety. Its like my brain becomes my enemy. I know i am not making much sense. Its scary for me because even while typing im not making much sense so you can imagine how it is in my brain.

And after sometime it starts to feel like nothing was wrong. It was all a lie. Then some days something feels real like I have adhd..somedays it feels like i am pretending to have ocd. And most of the time my mind is having racing thoughts..about anything and everything. I am unable to think coherently. Like If i am doing grounding technique with 5 things I see, sometimes i am unable to do that as well clearly. And If i am trying to imagine a scenario or think about something, i am unable to do so

I honestly think my brain has broken and There is no hope for me. Please can someone help me understand whats happening

[gajh]

I am sorry I don't know what is happening, but I wanted to reach out to you. I am glad you are posting here for support. I support you.

[Hidden in reply to gajh]

Thank you. Im exhausted

[Alpakka123]

Hi,Thoughts are thoughts. We can't stop them. One of the techniques my therapist taught me is to try and categorize my thoughts (worrying thoughts, scary thoughts, happy thoughts, sad thoughts, "busy" thoughts, etc.). She said there are many different kinds of thoughts. This also reminds me of something my dad said about thoughts being nothing but electrical impulses in the brain.

I hope this helps some.

Good for you for writing things out. I've discovered that I need to write things out more than anything. If I don't, they get stuck and my brain goes haywire with them. Writing also helps me make sense of the jumble going on up there (in my head).

Now that you've written it down, I hope your therapist can help you with this.

[Hidden in reply to Alpakka123]

I hope so too! I feel better after writing but feels like it gets more severe after taking about it

[Alpakka123 in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad you feel better after that!

[RLSSCARER]

Mangosteen capsules, moringa may help, food grade essential oils, have worked for at least 1 friend, she takes nutmeg, orogano, essential oils, in teas and food, or a few drops at night, Basil and parsley thyme are all good choices, these essential oils can remove parasites like toxo plasmosis from the brain, and body, the oils stopped my friend from getting unwell, last season, autoimmune encephalitis, or neuro receptor encephalitis, are caused by infection, fungi yeast, microscopic parasite, all can cause symptoms of confusion and psychosis, treating toe nail infections with essential oils externally can stop encephalitis, an active infection can cause confusion for 12 weeks, and worsen every seasonal cycle woth the increase in microbial lavrae toxins building and going untreated results in worsening of illness.

[mizzou7016]

Write them down....journal them....what they are how they made you feel....what you did about them.....that way you can take it with you when you see your help next....

[Weatherwoman]

I am not sure, but it sounds like you have one of the Many manifestations of OCD! That Awful illness can play havoc with our brains/minds. Talk with your care team/therapist, etc. They will be able to get you the right therapy be it cognitive, exposure, talk, etc. Your mind is Not broken, I assure you. Hugs & Prayers sent your way.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Weatherwoman]

I have had, & have OCD -- different thoughts than you described, but just as AWFUL! Have had Exposure therapy & it helped me Greatly, and medication. Still, have OCD, but more manageable than it used to be!

[Hidden in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thank you so much. This really gives me hope. There is a lot of conflict going on in my brain. And hyperawareness of the everything. It’s awful. Im sorry you had to experience this. I hope you have peace of mind

[Weatherwoman in reply to Hidden]

You are welcome & glad I have helped some! Yes, it took years for me to get a diag. & proper help. I have had OCD since childhood, but didn't have a clue what was wrong. Had health anxiety, and Very Horrible, Horrible thoughts that I thot. I must be "crazy," to have such thots. Also, had Panic Attacks! Suffered many, too many years without any help, let alone proper help as in "my time," it was the "dark ages," of mental illness --people with anxiety/depression, etc. suffered in Utter Silence as the Stigma was so pervasive that you just kept to yourself. We have come a LONG way since those times, and yet we still have ways to go. At least, nowadays, people can talk about their mental health issues, there are ads all over TV, the internet, phones, etc. It wasn't always like that, NOT at all! Getting help, finally, for my OCD was a "God-send," --while I still have Terrible thots. from time to time, at least I know, now, that I am NOT alone, and that there is Help out there. Hyper awareness, is one of the symptoms of someone with OCD. But, I am not a clinician so I don't know for sure, but the way you described your thots. makes me think that you probably have Obsessive/comp. Disorder. There are therapists that are trained in treating these issues, and hopefully, you will get to the Right therapist, and therapy. Yes, Peace of mind -- Nothing like it, * I wish you that!

[Hidden in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thank you! Im sorry that you had to go through it all. Im glad you have found the help you needed! Hopefully I will get peace of mind too!

[Weatherwoman in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I hope you get the right help, and get the peace of mind you So deserve. Keep us up to date in your posts.

[Hidden in reply to Weatherwoman]

Thankyou! I am feeling better today. Had my session. But the feeling of impending doom regarding these thoughts is there. Like im scared of my brain it starts to convert anything into that “fleeting” stuff. But I know these thoughts cannot hurt me. And I wont always be like this.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Hidden]

Glad that you are feeling better, Yes! Know that feeling of "impeding doom" re. our symptoms be they of the body, & or mind! You seem to have one of the "KEY" elements you will need to be better & that is that you Know the thoughts (Intrusive thoughts) cannot hurt you, and that it won't always be like this. You are on the right tract!

[quietmaroon4]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds deeply distressing. First, it's not your fault or something to be ashamed about. Your brain is just doing what it does. Venting the those intrusive thoughts though, will hopefully give you some relief.

And I think I get what you're saying; Is the feeling anything like reading sentences in a book, and worrying that you've forgotten the previous sentences? So you try to reread what you've forgotten, but end up feeling overwhelmed? Maybe no?

Unfortunately, I don't have any concrete advice to offer other than to continue expressing your thoughts with your therapist, even if they are incoherent. Internalizing them will only exacerbate distress, but I'm sure you already know that.

Best wishes to you.

[Hidden in reply to quietmaroon4]

Yes its kind of like that but starts to happen with different things

[Tabby-5]

Hi, I can understand the way you feel about something be off in your brain. Have you ever been tested for the other things you mentioned? Was there a Doctor you feel comfortable with? I suffer with anxiety, depression, and have feel like the flight or fright button is always going off. Also how your mind keeps going, ruminating. It's no fun! I have tried so many medications, treatments, to no avail. Perhaps the 5HTP is just not the right fit for you.

It is good that you share your feelings, you're not alone. I do encourage you to find a doctor that can help you. Life shouldn't have to be this hard! I found on Utube self-hypnosis and one of the speakers that I listened to mentioned in her message the title was There is nothing wrong with you. It helped me to listen to it. Hope this helps you.

[Hidden in reply to Tabby-5]

Thankyou