The alchemy of being

[Hopeful_Pessimist]

What makes life worth living?

I've heard it's LOVE.

But when the very idea of love is the thing that brings the most anxiety and fear, it doesn't feel like that is the answer for everyone. The double-edged sword. The thing I'm supposed to want but that is decidedly impossible for someone like me.

I think often about the person I used to be,..or rather the mask of substances I used to wear to appear comfortable and fun; a lively singer with a lot of friends and a voice that would soar and move others... a voice that, like those friends, grew quiet and faded away.

Over time my "family" disappeared with them because of the burden of secrets I suppose. They'd rather I was invisible instead of doing the work to speak up for me and acknowledge the reasons of my suffering that were swept under the rug by them all.

I moved through life giving and receiving lessons in impermanence, never truly getting close to anyone.

People used to tell me I was easy to talk to. Now there's no one to talk to, no one to just listen, to what I feel or how I've come to be what I am now. Seems to come easier for most to judge and assume. I just isolate now because it's easier, and because in my own attempt at healing, I no longer have the capacity to really take on other people's stories and feelings even when I want to.

I think about the kind of person I wanted to be but never could be because of trauma and what I've seen in the world; a bubbly and positive type, the kind that now irritates me because they've seemingly never known pain or struggle. I'm jealous of their shadow-less existence. How dare they get to have joy and stability when I have rarely known either.

And this, me now... almost an unrecognizable shell... a tree with no roots shedding it's bark as it pushes out new growth. The me I used to be is no longer and can never be again.

But in the letting go, as my old identity falls away into the bliss of nothingness, there is no tangible connection to tether me to that darkness anymore. Through the distilling and refining in this alchemy of being, I can begin to find peace in the knowing that to that end, we can transform and transcend into everything we were supposed to be.

[jbjacksoncfc]

you are NOT alone! i am here and willing and happy to listen *&* respond to anything you would like to talk about with someone, & offer support, encouragement, help if/whenever i can

[Hopeful_Pessimist in reply to jbjacksoncfc]

Thank you, I appreciate that. There are so many of us now. I will try to be as present as possible.💚

[fauxartist]

Beautifully written, and your post struck a chord in my heart: 'The me I used to be is no longer and can never be again.'.. I'm settling into the final phase of my life know....with acceptance of where I am now.

Living with my stuff....depression, CPTSD, abandonment issue's, trauma and addictions.... I then experienced health issues.... always had perfect health.... all my life.... then menopause hit, and then Covid hit, leaving me with no immune system and Long Covid...I, too, am no longer able to be the person I used to be. I have to fight hard not to dwell on stuff, because rumination just puts me on a spiral downwards... and that's self-defeating and puts me on a slippery slope.

So...I had to remember my passion in life way back when.... it's always been art....but other things got in the way, and eventually...like life... I was pulled away to just exist and make a living. Now 71 next week.... I've been very happy to have been able to return to my passion, I always loved painting but wasn't as good at it as I was in ceramic art.... but painting is what I can do now without physical effort.... so it's saved me.

Your an amazingly gifted writer.... and I bet you have some great stories about your time in your prime.... some memories are best to just be dealt with, and then put on the shelf...others for me, like my travels, and my sisters kids, my success in business, and all the great people I got to meet, many of whom were my real life heroes, met some at book signings, etc. Those memories are what can now make me smile.

We adapt.... we change with the tides....

[Hopeful_Pessimist in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you. Sometimes it's hard to put my stuff out there, you know, the whole deeply seated fear of rejection thing, but when it comes out, it seems to resonate. Happy I could share and that you got something positive from it. That seems to be the point of our suffering. 💚

[fauxartist in reply to Hopeful_Pessimist]

There are lots of us here who deal with this stuff my friend.... including me, and your in good company here. I had a very traumatic childhood with a very dismissive and verbally abusive mother, no father, and lots of moving around. This stuff leaves permanent scars deep in the limbic region of the brain, and affect us most of our life. No matter how much we know about it, how much therapy, and all of that...it is part of us. When I first went to a group meeting about this stuff.... I no longer felt alone with this. Writing about it here over the years has helped me tremendously.

I hope you keep writing, it's good stuff.

[frailstateofmind44]

This is so beautifully written and touched me deeply. I am so grateful to read this post on here. Sending you all my support

[Hopeful_Pessimist in reply to frailstateofmind44]

Thank you. Brings me warm feelings to know my junk might be someones gold.💚