I, at 52 years old have recently discovered after talking to a new health coach for less than 30 minutes, that the negative voice in my head is that of my mother. When I look in the mirror, I hear her say “You look like a frump”, “You look like a drip”. “Fix your eyes you look like a raccoon”. It’s not just my appearance, it’s everything. A 98 on a work evaluation, “Why didn’t you get a 100, didn’t you say something to your boss about just giving you a 100?” Anything positive in my life, “You could have done this or that too you know”. “You know what would look better (than what I have)? It’s all the time. It’s not a hearing voices type voice, just a constant cautioning, suggesting, perfecting, voice.
During one of her rants last night on the phone I told her to stop her suggestions about what I could do differently (after I overthought and had come to my own conclusion). I said that I don’t think you understand how many times a day I hear your voice. It’s before most decisions I make, big or small. She laughs and says that’s a good thing. I said no, it’s not. It’s not good at all. Then I listed the examples that I said above. The pause was all I needed to hear, she remembered she has said those things to me. When she heard them out of context so to speak for a brief moment I think she realized that they are hurtful. Then she changed the subject. Of course she doesn’t want to meaningfully apologize or discuss it any further. In true narcissistic fashion, she changed the subject.
How do I quiet her voice and make my own louder and confident that I am right in that I don’t look like a frump or a drip and my 98 is awesome?
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Elizabeth830
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Hi, I have this problem too, actually from both parents who are long since dead.
It created such a critical inner dialogue it felt like I was fighting myself, full of inner conflict and at times not able to relax and certainly not able to live the life I wanted!
With the help of a marvellous IFS therapist I have been able to deal with this inner critic.
Good luck to you! I'm sorry to read your mother is so critical of you and hope you can challenge what she says to you either in person if it's safe for you to do so or in your head.
It's great you have recognised this! I found telling my mother less about my life helped and then she had less to have a go about me.
I spent all my life trying to get my mother's approval and unconditional love...until my therapist told me some people are just incapable of giving it. So, in my mid-fifties... I severed the cord. My self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence has improved leaps and bounds....I no longer care what she or anyone else thinks of me... what counts is I want to be treated with the same respect I give others, the same kindness, and use diplomacy instead of anger where needed. I was just done with all the negatives I constantly got from my mother. I'm still a work in progress...but feel much better about myself.
That’s the truth! However I often feel guilty being that way, especially with immediate family. Cousins or self serving friends are easy to distance myself from but immediate family is tough.
You mentioned kindness and diplomacy, I don’t always get the same level of kindness in return for what I give and that hurts. As far as diplomacy, I get exhausted when people only know how to settle things with anger. The “my way or the highway” method people use tires me out and makes me emotionally feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. There are far too many people running around that function that way.
I never did either...my mother played favorites, and made sure the other kids in the family saw me as the maid, and childminder the same as she saw my position in the home. I once asked my mother why she had pictures of the other kids and grandkids, and no picture of me. She said she never thought about it.
Again today this happened, I had finally started to feel like we could be family here with this new born baby, I helped them when the little guy when he was sick, and rock him, and get cuttles, and thought after 14 years here....we would finally be family. Until I looked at the family photos they just put up....yep.....every one but me....again my heart is crushed
You're ALREADY changing!! Just the fact that you can recognize and acknowledge and have self awareness about this critic voice of your mother, that's the #1 biggest step to finding your own voice.
This is where you get to start driving the bus again instead of letting outside influences and other's agendas dictate how you view the world. Their ideals and influence are falling to the wayside as your own needs develop and move to the forefront of your mind. This is a great move forward!!
This is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem.
Remember when you were overwhelmed with the condo decoration? I actually don't think you care about how long it takes to decorate but your Mom would be up your butt about it. That's where I believe you started making this observation and began changing already.
TMS is definitely helping too!! Congrats on day #29. The last week and a half of my 36 sessions in March was when I felt the biggest jump in improvement, and that's approximately where you are now. I'm so excited for you!!
That need to keep looking back for her approval will diminish as your own voice gains hold in your mind and your needs surpass those of others that don't serve you any longer.
It's a slow process but I promise, that low whisper of a voice that is You, will rise to the surface more and more frequently.
My husband used to be cruel like this, calling me useless, a terrible mother, a bad nurse, and all around hopeless at everything.
Long story short, he died. Ten years later I was still suffering the 'voice in my head' as you are. What I did was Get really angry with the voice. I cursed and swore at it (using words I would not otherwise use) and told it to learn something about travel and reproduction (not necessarily in that order) and to get out of my head.
It worked for about a week and then started to creep back in. So I gave it another blasting, and it went again, longer this time. Each time it tried to get into my head i did it again, and eventually it gave up and has stayed away.
I have been free of 'the Voice' now for nearly 20 years.
Elizabeth830 Yes!! A year or so ago I finally identified the voice of my childhood abuser in my head and how it derailed me time and time again....and how much I ALLOWED him to keep abusing me for 35+ years after the actual abuse ended. I hit puberty when it stopped but I carried his destructive grooming and shame with me for most of my adult life.
I finally got 😡💢 mad, like you. I say I "evicted him" from living rent free in my mind, spreading squalor and destruction that I don't deserve. His baggage doesn't have to be Mine.
It's not an overnight, One & Done, fix... but he doesn't control My self worth or self esteem anymore.
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