Miss my old self

[jikreamer]

I have suffered with several episodes of major depression through out my life but always managed to come out of every episode and live a normal fulfilled life. The episode I am in now is going on 2 years and is not responding to meds. One of the hardest aspects of fighting this horrible disease is missing who you once were. I miss my old self and long to be that person again. Makes me so incredibly sad.

[Existing]

I relate, but different reason. Same as you till early 40s got blindsided by a situation that was extremely traumatic and then I knew what PTSD was and how it was not like anything I could get a grip on. I'm just so tired thinking .. yeah.. how I could have never seen beyond. I thought I will learn to get through this new thing I have to deal with. But it's too painful now to say details into future, but it just got worse and more shocking shit, mean people, things I never thought people were really capable of.

Crisis and survival and betrayal, over and over --completely different places, people, situations , I felt cursed, .. it never made sense it's been maybe 6years that no crises, just empty shelter to avoid crisis..

I remember my life, 25 years ago, stole , broken, destroyed by others I never wronged or provoked. Fuck them, I have so much rage left and am still silenced ,denied any opportunity to be heard, where I ended up is like another cruel joke from God. I'm invisible to them. These are like primitive people who have literally not lived anywhere else and they are so fucking stupid, and arrogant, and I feel like Alice in Wonderland and they have no manners or common compassion. 8 years Om stuck and can't figure how that person I was knew how to do things like get the hell out places in hell.

[jikreamer in reply to Existing]

I hear you my friend. Virtual hugs and prayers for a brighter, more peaceful future. You are not alone.

[Existing in reply to jikreamer]

I do have a sense of certainty that it's not for nothin ❤️😘

[WastedDays in reply to jikreamer]

I am so sorry for all you have to go through. I too feel like I’m just existing and avoiding crisis. I hope you find the peace you are longing for. For me, I had to make the realization that God is not the problem, he is the answer. I just wanted to share that there is a hope you can have and someone who will always understand you. youversion.com/the-bible-app/

[Existing in reply to WastedDays]

I somewhat agree, although not in a religious sense. I have a deep connection with "God" that, let's say has been hiding from me for many years, lol. But when I say that I believe there is a reason for what I'm going through, that is what I'm referring to. There is a bigger picture beyond this life that I'm sure is in place.

[secrets22]

I hear you and i so feel the same, so much so its debilitating.

[punkster]

I can relate to what you're saying about missing the person you used to be. I was terribly anxious for about four years during the pandemic. After years of therapy and forcing myself to use my "toolbox" I am pretty much back to my normal self again as far as anxiety goes. Of course, I'm older now and I don't sleep as well as I used to. I miss the days when I consistently got a good night's sleep. I don't know if there's any hope that I will go back to sleeping well.

[Existing in reply to punkster]

Remember, that's your sleep that is the problem you are talking about, not you.

[Icecream1954]

I'm 70 and so understand the feelings of losing yourself....I feel the same way. I can't listen to music because it reminds me of how I used to be. Everything reminds me of that and causes pain, more anxiety and more depression. The grief and losses are real. It's so hard to explain it to anyone who hasn't felt this. Every morning I wonder how I'm gonna make it through another day. Meds haven't helped, and neither has ketamine or microdosing. I struggle every day to keep myself distracted so I don't feel the incredible losses. A friend keeps asking me what it feels like. I tell her to imagine losing all your friends and family....and not having any hope. I wish I had some wise, comforting words for you. All I can offer is understanding and to let you know you're not alone.

[jikreamer in reply to Icecream1954]

Thank you so much. My next step was to try microdosing. How long did you try microdosing for?

[Icecream1954 in reply to jikreamer]

I did it for 6 weeks....skipping two days in between doses. I wasn't able to go up past 100 mg. because it worsened my anxiety. But everyone's experience is different. I'm curious about your name....reamer was my grandmother's maiden name....

[jikreamer in reply to Icecream1954]

Kreamer is my last name.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Icecream1954]

Totally understand your post & feel So much the same way. Only, I am ten years older than you. Lost my Mom, my Sig. Other of 27 year, close friends of mine & my Sig. Other, family live far away & besides don't relate that well to them, & visa versa, have few friends which is good, but they are in NO way suportative as was my Mom & my Sig. Other. Feel lonely, Sad, Anxious, Fearful, depressed --sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel worse, or to feel sorry for me --just that you are NOT Alone! I have had therapy, still do, have "tools," take classes, do some exercise, not enough, bla bla bla --Have added on a sort of "Social Anxiety" to the mix as feel I am bothering people & don't want to complain & tell how I really feel A lot of the time. I don't have any good answers --liv)ing the "one day at a time" helps some. I have had anxiety all my life, but the Grief I feel of all the losses, and getting older & aging alone (don't have any children) is such a struggle. Thanks for this group --helps!

[Existing in reply to Weatherwoman]

Oh I hear you. In my case, the only one I have even a conversation with is a therapist, who I keep for that reason, because she's of no use beyond a connection to the world. Still have so much grief and loss never healed, but even more important for me is that I can't find my way forward. I have so much I know deep inside I am here to contribute, but for some reason when I reach out I'm ignored or shunned by people who can't see or hear me. So I have rage about things I have no way to heal because for me the healing comes from what I can give back to others the things I'm skilled at, which is what would also give back to me what I need, which is respect,bappreciation, and a sense of belonging.

[Existing in reply to Icecream1954]

Omg, you spoke for me there in every word. But I still don't see it as losing myself, to me it's losing"my life". And I describe the first trauma I experienced as an adult as a feeling of having been catapulted through some portal into a completely different universe where nothing made sense, and nothing would ever be the same again. Like I would never return to the world I came from. And yeah, everything behind me in memories is nothing but sadness and loss. And everything in the present and future is nothing but emptiness. I have literally not experienced a general feeling of joy, contentment or peace for over 20 years. So, bI hear you, bits painful every day.

[Beevee]

Don't fight it. Let yourself fall into any mental state and accept come what may. Be OK about not feeling OK and accept things as they stand. It is the constant battle trying to find your old self that prolongs recovery. The old you is still there, it's just waiting to surface from beneath the symptoms of depression which will fade away with a genuine attitude of acceptance.

Don't go searching for recovery. Recovery will find you. ❤️

[jikreamer in reply to Beevee]

Thank you

[Weatherwoman in reply to Beevee]

Just got this post after I replied to another post. You "hit a nail on the head!" Realize I have been "Fighting" the feelings I feel & that is not working. Thanks for your enlightened post which I shall try --accept -Whoa --

[Existing in reply to Beevee]

I hear and feel your intent, but don't agree with what I think you are not quite understanding in this particular unique situation and circumstances. I do live by what you said in the first part, but it is not leading to any recovery that I , in fact, have had, in the past, bin other situations. This is what has been the hardest for me, because I have always used certain "tools" and still do, but I'm now in a bizarro world (Seinfeld, where everything is the opposite) where nothing I do matters or makes any sense. It is more than frustrating, it's deeply frightening. Hard to explain, but but I know you mean well.

[Existing in reply to Beevee]

Just saw that someone responded to you saying it was the answer they needed. 😃 Which is proof that we all have things to share that may not help some, but maybin fact help others. 🙏

[ACE135 in reply to Beevee]

Love this; it's definitely something I needed to read. I've been through some major traumas in the past few years and I'm kind of driving myself crazy trying to desperately get back to my old self. "Recovery will find you"... I will say this to myself from now on when I'm struggling with acceptance. Thanks for your very wise words 🙂

[Existing in reply to ACE135]

I would add: it might be helpful in thinking about the future as "What will I create for myself?" Rather than recover. For me, there is nothing left of what was to recover. I am still me, is the only thing I have left to work with, and I am still me.

[Existing]

Ok dreamer, (misspelling intended) my question to you, well, my hope is an exercise for you to try. Find a place to sit undisturbed for awhile.

now, for a moment,

put away everything in your life before this moment,

think only of the present here and now,

And for this exercise, close your eyes and

take 15 minutes to ponder :

What life would I like to live now?

What is it that might be fulfilling in my future?

What, if on the last day of my life, I can look back on and say "that was a good thing" I chose to do.

What have I never thought about before that I now might like to pursue?

What are things I may have ignored because I thought I couldn't do them, or wasn't good enough to do,not what I just assumed wasn't possible?

Who am I now, and what might I create for my future self?

After 15 minutes (can use a timer) slowly open your eyes, and just let it be. Practice a couple of times a week, without forcing,nor "shoulding" yourself. 🙏😊

[jikreamer in reply to Existing]

Thank you.