Normally i dont open up about my feelings like this…. But in this group , even though im new here, from what all ive read i feel being honest is the only way people know i need help
My mother has said/ done things that no one should let alone ur mother. Everything will be fine and out of nowhere she will go out of her way to make me the object of her bad mood and picks fights. I have told her im emotionally overwhelmed and she says “ im being manipulative by saying that and must want something “ i said “ yeah.. for you to quit putting me down every chance you get . She knows my mental health issues. Then of course she has to run tell everybody how im crazy and make herself a victim.
I cant take this stress with my autoimmune issues. Yet she never think she says or does anything wrong including throwing some of my valuables in the trash ladt werk and told ne i could go tjrough the garbage if i wanted them .
Tells me i was a “ mistake” . Im so emotionally exhausted from all i have to deal with anyway yet try to keep a sense if humor in life.
It hurts so bad to literally be standing there and she all the sudden creates a problem and acts like a you know what afterwards. I truly feel hopeless and helpless.
any advice would be greatly appreciated
Thank yall !
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Bamafan1
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Thank you for responding. I live in a guest house behind hers. I got divorced last year and she went travel nursing so rather than hire someone she had me stay here for a year and i took care of everything… yard work, house repairs, watched her inside dog etc.
so now… with the economy in worse shape ever… its hard to find a place and isnt really much available. Which is my problem….shes made sure to do things to guilt trip and make me stay. I didnt even know we got 3 stimulus checks that year… she took all 3 of mine. She opens my mail etc.
Financially id be starting from scratch.
Fortunately I dont have any debt. I paid my car off and dont have credit cards. She really gets ugly when i start really taking steps to move . She has to control everything. Im sure i sound dumb for being in this situation… but… theres been so many things shrs done that has manipulated situations. But.., it feels more and more if i have any chance of peace…. I have to get away. Shes so toxic and has no respect for mental health.
You do not sound dumb at all. It is your mom. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to go through what your going through and have it be your mom who is doing it. I do think that you need to do what is best for you and finding your own place when you are able seems like the best plan. You are not selfish for taking care of yourself. You deserve to live a happy life where you are treated with kindness and respectm
Thank you. Im so glad to have found this group. Just hearing positive, kind words truly gives me the willpower to do what must be done . I cant thank you enough
I hear you and am so sorry that your mother seems devoid of feelings for you, or, has no empathetic intelligence. I too had this problem with both my mother and father and as an only child (and adopted). I spent my whole life trying to please them but nothing seemed good enough. I do believe that, in their own way they cared for me but not without judgement. I left home as soon as I could by moving away to University (I think they were pleased I was leaving in a way). I have spent many years being successful and independant (having to be). I have kept in touch but they never offered help or support during some tough times. I know live in Australia but from UK originally. My mother died last year and my father is still a healthy 94 year old. He is still narcisstic and is now being quite demanding. He didn't seem that upset when mum died and when he invited himself over for 3 months in December last year, he would start telling us stories and would blame mum for things. I found this disturbing and was glad when he left.
Him and my mother have left me with Major Depression and Anxiety which I hid until my 50s by which tome I couldn't hide it any more. I had to leave my job in education and am getting support from professionals. I use to blame myself for it all but after years of cognitive therapy I am not shy to say that my parents are to blame for my health issues. I wish you peace and understanding 🫶
Reading this I could feel your pain and is sooo like mine that i couldve written it. Im very appreciative for you sharing that knowing it can bring up some feelings of hurt. I hate you went/ are going through it but want to express how much you’ve helped me knowing im not alone. For me thats one of the harder affects of mental health issues is the feeling of no one caring if died. In fact, theyd be happy. Its a very hard reality. Do you have advice on how to even summon any ounce of energy when mrntally i feel paralyzed??
In my opinion, you need to get away as a matter of urgency, for your mental health's sake if nothing else.
Do you have a friend you could stay with temporarily, until you can find a place of your own? Your mother is abusing you, and stealing from you.
Get out and then get some help to get your money back from her.
Don't have any more contact with her, she has used and abused you for too long.
I had to move from my previous place, and I took a big hit in doing so; I had to leave furniture, jewellery, many of my books etc behind. I needed to escape the place. I moved (with my son and carer) some 300 miles into (technically) another country. It was such a weight off my mind, and I am so much happier now. 4 years later and I'm still getting straight, living wise, still flatpack furniture to assemble, but doing it as I can afford to. Not easy on a pension, but it can be done. Next job is to get the kitchen refitted.
Thank you so much ! Thats exactly what i needed to hear. Especially hearing how you felt after you moved and how happy you were regardless of living situation basically anything is better than being abused. I appreciate you being honest and willing to share your experience .
Also.,, important for me to let you know youre an answer to a prayer. I prayed before potting
Do you mind if i ask for advice along the way if i need to ? .
Good morning. I am so grateful to read this and that you opened up about your experience and your feelings. I relate deeply with your situation, my mother is the same way. I am proud of you for sharing because it is a good thing that you’ve reached a place of knowing you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve love, empathy and validation in life from the ones that love and support you. I realized this in my 30’s and that is when I finally took control of my life but it didn’t happen overnight. You are already taking your first steps by opening up about these things and recognizing your worth. Take this one day at a time and before you know it you will develop a love for self that will fuel an action plan to make the changes necessary to rescue yourself from such a difficult and harsh environment. I know you can do it! Mental health issues or not, you are valuable and lovable. I don’t know if she has belittled you for having mental health issues because that is what happened to me, but I hope you know that a significant majority of our population struggles with mental and emotional issues. The struggle isn’t as much a problem as those who deny their mental health issues and refuse to see they are toxic to the people they are supposed to love and support. You are beautiful inside and out and I hope you can remember that to protect your heart and mind from her attacks on your sanity and self esteem. Keep your head up, you got this. And by the way, I hope she is thankful for you, because a lot of people would not be living there to help her after the way she has treated you. You are being a good daughter to her even after how she treats you and that shows commitment, dedication and perseverance. You don’t sound dumb for being in this situation, it sounds like you are a good person and that she is abusing that. I am sending positive vibes in her direction that maybe she will open her eyes and recognize how lucky/blessed she is to have such a wonderful daughter to help her out so much even after all she has put you through. I am not sure where you live but where I live, it’s illegal to open someone’s mail even your own child and even if they live with you. You are strong and brave to open up. And I don’t know if this is helpful but her calling you a mistake is a sign of her own weaknesses, not yours. Hope this helps! ❤️
Wow! Im in tears. But in a good way. If youre not a therapist you should be. I took screenshots of your reply so i can read it at times like last night when i literally had trouble even breathing feeling like if I died no one would care.
And she definitely belittles mental health and uses it to her advantage . Either im to incapable of making my own decisions or Im being “ manipulative “ and must want something by expressing when im mentally/ emotionally overwhelmed and need a “ me “ day. In fact, she gets worse and more insulting. Its not normal from anyone but especially your own mother
I recently lost my best friend and my health as gotten worse and stress makes it all worse..
Everything you said is so accurate and feels like you’ve experienced it knowing only someone who has would know the deep pain caused from the one person who should support you the most. There are no words to express just how grateful I am for you and everything you said.
Is it ok if i reach out to you during this time ?
May God bless you ten fold for your wisdom and kindness
Yes, please do. Reach out anytime. I usually check my alerts every morning, but I am trying to check more often than that. I am so glad that helped you. I meant every word. And yes, I’ve been through it too. Do not let her steal your light or put your light out. You got this!
Well that is amazing that you’re setting boundaries. That is one of the hardest steps to take because they’ve programmed us into believing that our existence and purpose in life is pleasing them and only them. I get it. I am proud of you, I know, this is not easy. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Reach out anytime. You can do this!
Youre a much needed voice of reason, support and encouragement that gives me the hope and courage to do what must be done. To know the confidence and kind words from someone ive not met is truly powerful. And yes… youve helped wayyyy more than you know and im forever greatful!
Awe! Youre the very definition of what a mom should be and im so glad your children have you. Theyre very lucky. And reading how youd do anything for them is exactly how a mom should be. I feel like it goes against nature to harm your children at any age. Thank you so much for the encouraging words of wisdom .
May God bless and protect all you love and hold near and dear 🙏
Sorry to read about your situation, it sounds like your mother is a narcissist and has major issues that are not your fault. You would probably benefit from learning more about how to deal with a narcissist parent and you might check out youtube for info and resources. It's amazing the amount of good info on there. Another thing is to start making a plan and looking at all of your options on how to move out of your situation so you have control over yourself and how much if any contact you have with her, I know it's a hard thing to do but you need to put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Again… i have chillbumps to see how God is answering my prayers through people like you. You couldve very easily not seen or replied to my post. But you taking the time truly has helped me be able to unfortunately have to admit what term came to mind yesterday…. Narcissist. You saying it confirms it. I do need to learn about it to know the characteristics and how to avoid them and/or deal with them and recognize its a losing battle to expect any empathy from them
You're welcome, I read once that the definition of crazy was arguing with a narcissist and I believe it. I think one of the hardest things to admit is that our parents did not love us unconditionally and yes they did the best they could but in reality they were crappy parents and wounded us needlessly. You might benefit from the youtube of Dr. Meg Haworth who grew up with a narcissist mother and is now a therapist helping others.
With myself everything I do gets put down by my mother as well!
Thing is as long as I know in my heart I'm trying my best then that's all that matters!
Back last year when I moved she was extremely put out when I had only said when I was a done deal and nothing could be done about it!
Point is I'm an adult woman and I will do things as I see fit and it's nothing to do with her!
Back in 2019 I stood up to her when she ordered me to stay at a job where I wasn't happy and I said no I'm not staying at a job just to please you and I never did either and there was a row and bu accident she did me a favour giving me the silent treatment and no I didn't go giving in to her!
Then recently she gave me the silent treatment all because I dare to go out and live my life and she was jealous!
That's pathetic in my view!
No I won't stop going out and living my life just so she can feel good about herself!
I absolutely LOVE your fiece determination. You're situation sounds exactly like mine. I loved when you said " how dare I go live my own life " I swear I've said the same thing. How are things going now if you don't mind me asking?
Last Saturday it made my afternoon when I found out that she isn't very well and is housebound and now doesn't go out very much hoping I would feel guilty and go and visit but no I didn't feel guilty at all and just laughed and saw a sad power hungry control freak trying to bully hoping I would cave in but no i didn't!
What I did do was. I went and said what a lovely summer I have had with going out to all kinds of places and festivals which I have really enjoyed and how I have lost weight and still going swimming and enjoyed outdoor swimming which she had stopped me from doing as a child and from going out to places as a teenager and I feel now she is more or less housebound it serves her right!
I've read as much as I could understand, and sounds like life hasn't been a bed of roses, but a bed of thorns, the forum isn't here to judge you and people have numerous different issues as well as sharing valuable advice, everyone will try their best, but sometimes they're not in the same situation as you, the best thing to do is seek comfort and cherry pick the best bits of advice and see what works for you.I'm sorry you've had a tough time and obviously I wish you all the best that life can offer you I've had my own difficulties in life and have struggled with many different things, so I've had to learn empathy, forgiveness and kindness, it's my own journey, but I'll never shy away from someone who is on an emotional roller coaster, I've sort advice myself at the beginning of my journey, not the same subject though, but it's the reassuring messages the advice and support I've had from various members over the years, you'll find many things in common, not just the bad things but a little ray of sunshine through the dark clouds on the horizon , and the warmth of these wonderful people, and continuing my journey I've become a member to a society that can also bring a little bit of joy to your life,I hope you can find a solution to your delicate and difficult situation, u wish you well 😊
Precisely,but often you could end up jumping in feet first, and that's not always the best solution, I like to think things over firstly and make the"Decision " for myself, even when I post something on the forum I think carefully on how I word things, I've become an intense thinker and try my best to help people, I try not to be critical or judgemental, we all have different issues, mine is a journey I've been on with help from people who had experience with trauma related incidents, so if someone is reaching out I try my best to have empathy and support, I've changed, and for the better, have a pleasant evening 🙂
HiI understand how damaging an abusive mother can be i had one. I can only offer you what helped me i therapy. It is not about you when your mother attacks you. It about her. Do not forget that. A mother is supposed to love protect and cherish her children.
Try not to let her get to you. Set boundries and do not allow her to cross them without telling her no. Ask yourself what would you say to her if you could be totally honest. Maybe write your feelings down.?
You are important and so are your feelings i hope things improve for you.
Thank you SOOOO much ! That's actually a very good idea about the distancing until I can physically distance. Also that Grey rocking I will definitely check out. I appreciate your help more than you know. I love this group !
i believe we all fight with our family at some point. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. I do not know her mental state or if she comes from an abusive background. Sometimes our personalities clash with one another. You are probably 2 strong woman and sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on things and we lash out and say hurtful things in the heat of the moment . But deep down you probably really love her and she you. Maybe you both need a break from one another. Just keep your distance for a while. Try and listen to each other. When she says something you don’t like instead of lashing out count to 10 and just walk away. Arguing never really resolves much. Your mom shouldn’t say you are a mistake. Again she’s probably just venting and sometime when people vent or get upset they say things they don’t mean. Doesn’t make it right but maybe you and her could go to counseling together. Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone and let each other see what is really going on. I’m praying for you both. Life is short . Love one another everyday and say something positive to your mom each day . Maybe it will rub off on her. And when you see that the conversation is going south just walk away or change the subject. You can’t change anyone only yourself. Words are powerful so be careful what you speak always. Take care and God bless both of you
Hello Bamafan1...I am actually a South Carolina Gamecock myself (I'm think you and I might be the only ones on here who know what that means...LOL). I live in Texas now and read your post.
I think what is happening is more about your mother's insecurities than your life situation. I have a friend who has a similar situation, so I am familiar with your story. She is going through a lot...basically starting over. Fortunately for her, I think her parents are supportive.
Personally, I think you are brave and strong going through all that you have been dealing with. Not sure if you are in counseling to talk about this, but I am glad you came here to express yourself. I wish I could give you a hug. Sounds like you need one.
I will say I hope you get to take advantage of this do-over so to speak. Blessings!
Sorry for just now seeing this...and YES ! A fellow..not only college football fan...but SEC fan. What's ur thoughts on all these changes ??What you said is 100% spot on
Reading it helps as I try to remind myself of those things....I dont think anyone can ever get " used to" the pain a mother causes. Luke you said...the very person DNA linked to do what it takes to protect us ! Thank you so much !
Nice to hear from you Bamafan! Not sure I like it. This year UGA won't play USC which used to be a great rivalry. Living in Texas I know they are an arrogant program, but the SEC will set them straight.
Can't believe Vanderbilt beats Virginia Tech and then loses to Georgia State.
It sounds like you need distance. If you can't find another place to live simply avoid being in the same room as her for very long. Don't let her feel bad about yourself and when she does reach out to someone who will support and encourage you.. if you don't have those people in your life continue to post on here.. you are loved! You are worthy! You are capable!
I am old enough to be your mother, but the mother issue doesn’t get better with age. My mother was mean, cruel and abusive. She also said she was sorry she had me. Just hearing those words affects all parts of your life. Anxiety, depression and low self esteem are the consequences of a loveless home. I decided early on I wanted no children and to be nothing like her. I didn’t succeed entirely, but you have to think of yourself first. Find things you enjoy. Try to block her out as much as possible.
Gosh, unfortunately there are mothers and mothers, most mothers do care enormously but a few don't care at all. I would be very distressed throwing your items in the trash. I feel it's her who has problems and not you.
Get away as soon as possible. Prioritize your own well-being and find a less toxic environment, because that's what you've described. I would even say couch surf with friends if you have to, to remove yourself from that situation because those kinds of toxic projections from your mother could very well be what puts you over the edge, and delay your own healing,..and I say this from similar experience. I've had to completely cut my mother off because she doesn't know how to be supportive or emotionally available for the kind of relationship I need. Pay attention to how you feel after being around her or talking to her. Honor that, and act on that.
It's about recognizing what YOU need to thrive, and removing everything from your life that goes against that. Anything that isn't LOVE basically, because why being around a person that talks to you as if they hate you?...
...And this truly goes cell deep. This is epigenetics. The science behind how our cells and our genetics can be changed from our environment. It's real. Like water that can be changed by what words are spoken to it. It's crystals literally form differently. It effects so much more than our feelings in the moment,... it can effect our entire life path the longer we subject ourselves to it. I could go into how it effects the nervous system and your cortisol as well over time and eventually can turn into other worse health issues, but just dropping those there so you can research that for yourself.
It comes down to SAFETY. Because, (and not to alarm you), but anyone capable of repeatedly hurting someone through verbal abuse can be capable of much worse. Resentment from a mother can always escalate into other things if she has been repeating the same negative language, it also conditions you to have low self esteem and low self worth.
So sorry you've had to live with that. You are probably amazing, and you deserve so much more than that negativity. You deserve to thrive and not be held back by someone else's deficiencies and absent ability to express love and kindness to their own child. Know there is something wrong with her, not you, and that is all her own stuff, not yours to take on. She needs to acknowledge her own need for healing and maybe then she can repair your relationship, but until then it won't happen and it is useless to hope for the words you want to hear. It only hurts more to continue hoping she will be the mother you need when it is obvious she has no care for what you need.
I hope you have a safe place to go. Take it seriously and be proactive. Find community resources if you have to that can help link you to housing or mental health help, it's out there for you if you don't have much support.
Love is available to you, and you are worthy of it.
I'll try to help any way I can if you have questions or don't feel strong enough to get away, because it can be painful to detach, but it is definitely necessary.
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No one talk about what happens to your family after surviving a suicide attempt 
What to do
I feel so odd. (Im fighting hard to socialise and get a job but it's not "just do it")
I dont know what else to do.
