Normally i dont open up about my feelings like this…. But in this group , even though im new here, from what all ive read i feel being honest is the only way people know i need help
My mother has said/ done things that no one should let alone ur mother. Everything will be fine and out of nowhere she will go out of her way to make me the object of her bad mood and picks fights. I have told her im emotionally overwhelmed and she says “ im being manipulative by saying that and must want something “ i said “ yeah.. for you to quit putting me down every chance you get . She knows my mental health issues. Then of course she has to run tell everybody how im crazy and make herself a victim.
I cant take this stress with my autoimmune issues. Yet she never think she says or does anything wrong including throwing some of my valuables in the trash ladt werk and told ne i could go tjrough the garbage if i wanted them .
Tells me i was a “ mistake” . Im so emotionally exhausted from all i have to deal with anyway yet try to keep a sense if humor in life.
It hurts so bad to literally be standing there and she all the sudden creates a problem and acts like a you know what afterwards. I truly feel hopeless and helpless.
any advice would be greatly appreciated
Thank yall !
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Bamafan1
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Thank you for responding. I live in a guest house behind hers. I got divorced last year and she went travel nursing so rather than hire someone she had me stay here for a year and i took care of everything… yard work, house repairs, watched her inside dog etc.
so now… with the economy in worse shape ever… its hard to find a place and isnt really much available. Which is my problem….shes made sure to do things to guilt trip and make me stay. I didnt even know we got 3 stimulus checks that year… she took all 3 of mine. She opens my mail etc.
Financially id be starting from scratch.
Fortunately I dont have any debt. I paid my car off and dont have credit cards. She really gets ugly when i start really taking steps to move . She has to control everything. Im sure i sound dumb for being in this situation… but… theres been so many things shrs done that has manipulated situations. But.., it feels more and more if i have any chance of peace…. I have to get away. Shes so toxic and has no respect for mental health.
You do not sound dumb at all. It is your mom. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to go through what your going through and have it be your mom who is doing it. I do think that you need to do what is best for you and finding your own place when you are able seems like the best plan. You are not selfish for taking care of yourself. You deserve to live a happy life where you are treated with kindness and respectm
Thank you. Im so glad to have found this group. Just hearing positive, kind words truly gives me the willpower to do what must be done . I cant thank you enough
I hear you and am so sorry that your mother seems devoid of feelings for you, or, has no empathetic intelligence. I too had this problem with both my mother and father and as an only child (and adopted). I spent my whole life trying to please them but nothing seemed good enough. I do believe that, in their own way they cared for me but not without judgement. I left home as soon as I could by moving away to University (I think they were pleased I was leaving in a way). I have spent many years being successful and independant (having to be). I have kept in touch but they never offered help or support during some tough times. I know live in Australia but from UK originally. My mother died last year and my father is still a healthy 94 year old. He is still narcisstic and is now being quite demanding. He didn't seem that upset when mum died and when he invited himself over for 3 months in December last year, he would start telling us stories and would blame mum for things. I found this disturbing and was glad when he left.
Him and my mother have left me with Major Depression and Anxiety which I hid until my 50s by which tome I couldn't hide it any more. I had to leave my job in education and am getting support from professionals. I use to blame myself for it all but after years of cognitive therapy I am not shy to say that my parents are to blame for my health issues. I wish you peace and understanding 🫶
Reading this I could feel your pain and is sooo like mine that i couldve written it. Im very appreciative for you sharing that knowing it can bring up some feelings of hurt. I hate you went/ are going through it but want to express how much you’ve helped me knowing im not alone. For me thats one of the harder affects of mental health issues is the feeling of no one caring if died. In fact, theyd be happy. Its a very hard reality. Do you have advice on how to even summon any ounce of energy when mrntally i feel paralyzed??
In my opinion, you need to get away as a matter of urgency, for your mental health's sake if nothing else.
Do you have a friend you could stay with temporarily, until you can find a place of your own? Your mother is abusing you, and stealing from you.
Get out and then get some help to get your money back from her.
Don't have any more contact with her, she has used and abused you for too long.
I had to move from my previous place, and I took a big hit in doing so; I had to leave furniture, jewellery, many of my books etc behind. I needed to escape the place. I moved (with my son and carer) some 300 miles into (technically) another country. It was such a weight off my mind, and I am so much happier now. 4 years later and I'm still getting straight, living wise, still flatpack furniture to assemble, but doing it as I can afford to. Not easy on a pension, but it can be done. Next job is to get the kitchen refitted.
Thank you so much ! Thats exactly what i needed to hear. Especially hearing how you felt after you moved and how happy you were regardless of living situation basically anything is better than being abused. I appreciate you being honest and willing to share your experience .
Also.,, important for me to let you know youre an answer to a prayer. I prayed before potting
Do you mind if i ask for advice along the way if i need to ? .
Good morning. I am so grateful to read this and that you opened up about your experience and your feelings. I relate deeply with your situation, my mother is the same way. I am proud of you for sharing because it is a good thing that you’ve reached a place of knowing you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve love, empathy and validation in life from the ones that love and support you. I realized this in my 30’s and that is when I finally took control of my life but it didn’t happen overnight. You are already taking your first steps by opening up about these things and recognizing your worth. Take this one day at a time and before you know it you will develop a love for self that will fuel an action plan to make the changes necessary to rescue yourself from such a difficult and harsh environment. I know you can do it! Mental health issues or not, you are valuable and lovable. I don’t know if she has belittled you for having mental health issues because that is what happened to me, but I hope you know that a significant majority of our population struggles with mental and emotional issues. The struggle isn’t as much a problem as those who deny their mental health issues and refuse to see they are toxic to the people they are supposed to love and support. You are beautiful inside and out and I hope you can remember that to protect your heart and mind from her attacks on your sanity and self esteem. Keep your head up, you got this. And by the way, I hope she is thankful for you, because a lot of people would not be living there to help her after the way she has treated you. You are being a good daughter to her even after how she treats you and that shows commitment, dedication and perseverance. You don’t sound dumb for being in this situation, it sounds like you are a good person and that she is abusing that. I am sending positive vibes in her direction that maybe she will open her eyes and recognize how lucky/blessed she is to have such a wonderful daughter to help her out so much even after all she has put you through. I am not sure where you live but where I live, it’s illegal to open someone’s mail even your own child and even if they live with you. You are strong and brave to open up. And I don’t know if this is helpful but her calling you a mistake is a sign of her own weaknesses, not yours. Hope this helps! ❤️
Wow! Im in tears. But in a good way. If youre not a therapist you should be. I took screenshots of your reply so i can read it at times like last night when i literally had trouble even breathing feeling like if I died no one would care.
And she definitely belittles mental health and uses it to her advantage . Either im to incapable of making my own decisions or Im being “ manipulative “ and must want something by expressing when im mentally/ emotionally overwhelmed and need a “ me “ day. In fact, she gets worse and more insulting. Its not normal from anyone but especially your own mother
I recently lost my best friend and my health as gotten worse and stress makes it all worse..
Everything you said is so accurate and feels like you’ve experienced it knowing only someone who has would know the deep pain caused from the one person who should support you the most. There are no words to express just how grateful I am for you and everything you said.
Is it ok if i reach out to you during this time ?
May God bless you ten fold for your wisdom and kindness
Yes, please do. Reach out anytime. I usually check my alerts every morning, but I am trying to check more often than that. I am so glad that helped you. I meant every word. And yes, I’ve been through it too. Do not let her steal your light or put your light out. You got this!
Well that is amazing that you’re setting boundaries. That is one of the hardest steps to take because they’ve programmed us into believing that our existence and purpose in life is pleasing them and only them. I get it. I am proud of you, I know, this is not easy. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Reach out anytime. You can do this!
Youre a much needed voice of reason, support and encouragement that gives me the hope and courage to do what must be done. To know the confidence and kind words from someone ive not met is truly powerful. And yes… youve helped wayyyy more than you know and im forever greatful!
Awe! Youre the very definition of what a mom should be and im so glad your children have you. Theyre very lucky. And reading how youd do anything for them is exactly how a mom should be. I feel like it goes against nature to harm your children at any age. Thank you so much for the encouraging words of wisdom .
May God bless and protect all you love and hold near and dear 🙏
Sorry to read about your situation, it sounds like your mother is a narcissist and has major issues that are not your fault. You would probably benefit from learning more about how to deal with a narcissist parent and you might check out youtube for info and resources. It's amazing the amount of good info on there. Another thing is to start making a plan and looking at all of your options on how to move out of your situation so you have control over yourself and how much if any contact you have with her, I know it's a hard thing to do but you need to put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Again… i have chillbumps to see how God is answering my prayers through people like you. You couldve very easily not seen or replied to my post. But you taking the time truly has helped me be able to unfortunately have to admit what term came to mind yesterday…. Narcissist. You saying it confirms it. I do need to learn about it to know the characteristics and how to avoid them and/or deal with them and recognize its a losing battle to expect any empathy from them
You're welcome, I read once that the definition of crazy was arguing with a narcissist and I believe it. I think one of the hardest things to admit is that our parents did not love us unconditionally and yes they did the best they could but in reality they were crappy parents and wounded us needlessly. You might benefit from the youtube of Dr. Meg Haworth who grew up with a narcissist mother and is now a therapist helping others.
I want to second what designguy said. Your Mom does sound like she has some pretty serious mental health issues which would have a very profound effect on you. Sounds very much like she has a cluster B disorder- Narcissism, BPD or a mix? Have you looked in to that at all? It can be a big relief to understand it better and to know it isn't your fault. As he said, there is lots of info online but keep in mind some of it is better than others. There are lots of books as well. Also, keep in mind, you won't be able to talk to her about this. She won't own up to it. But at least you'll know.
I feel for you. It's such a hard and confusing situation. Even if you can't physically get away from her right now, you may be able to start to get some emotional distance from her so she can't hurt you as much. There is something call "grey rocking" that might help some.
Thank you SOOOO much ! That's actually a very good idea about the distancing until I can physically distance. Also that Grey rocking I will definitely check out. I appreciate your help more than you know. I love this group !
With myself everything I do gets put down by my mother as well!
Thing is as long as I know in my heart I'm trying my best then that's all that matters!
Back last year when I moved she was extremely put out when I had only said when I was a done deal and nothing could be done about it!
Point is I'm an adult woman and I will do things as I see fit and it's nothing to do with her!
Back in 2019 I stood up to her when she ordered me to stay at a job where I wasn't happy and I said no I'm not staying at a job just to please you and I never did either and there was a row and bu accident she did me a favour giving me the silent treatment and no I didn't go giving in to her!
Then recently she gave me the silent treatment all because I dare to go out and live my life and she was jealous!
That's pathetic in my view!
No I won't stop going out and living my life just so she can feel good about herself!
I've read as much as I could understand, and sounds like life hasn't been a bed of roses, but a bed of thorns, the forum isn't here to judge you and people have numerous different issues as well as sharing valuable advice, everyone will try their best, but sometimes they're not in the same situation as you, the best thing to do is seek comfort and cherry pick the best bits of advice and see what works for you.I'm sorry you've had a tough time and obviously I wish you all the best that life can offer you I've had my own difficulties in life and have struggled with many different things, so I've had to learn empathy, forgiveness and kindness, it's my own journey, but I'll never shy away from someone who is on an emotional roller coaster, I've sort advice myself at the beginning of my journey, not the same subject though, but it's the reassuring messages the advice and support I've had from various members over the years, you'll find many things in common, not just the bad things but a little ray of sunshine through the dark clouds on the horizon , and the warmth of these wonderful people, and continuing my journey I've become a member to a society that can also bring a little bit of joy to your life,I hope you can find a solution to your delicate and difficult situation, u wish you well 😊
HiI understand how damaging an abusive mother can be i had one. I can only offer you what helped me i therapy. It is not about you when your mother attacks you. It about her. Do not forget that. A mother is supposed to love protect and cherish her children.
Try not to let her get to you. Set boundries and do not allow her to cross them without telling her no. Ask yourself what would you say to her if you could be totally honest. Maybe write your feelings down.?
You are important and so are your feelings i hope things improve for you.
i believe we all fight with our family at some point. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. I do not know her mental state or if she comes from an abusive background. Sometimes our personalities clash with one another. You are probably 2 strong woman and sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on things and we lash out and say hurtful things in the heat of the moment . But deep down you probably really love her and she you. Maybe you both need a break from one another. Just keep your distance for a while. Try and listen to each other. When she says something you don’t like instead of lashing out count to 10 and just walk away. Arguing never really resolves much. Your mom shouldn’t say you are a mistake. Again she’s probably just venting and sometime when people vent or get upset they say things they don’t mean. Doesn’t make it right but maybe you and her could go to counseling together. Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone and let each other see what is really going on. I’m praying for you both. Life is short . Love one another everyday and say something positive to your mom each day . Maybe it will rub off on her. And when you see that the conversation is going south just walk away or change the subject. You can’t change anyone only yourself. Words are powerful so be careful what you speak always. Take care and God bless both of you
Hello Bamafan1...I am actually a South Carolina Gamecock myself (I'm think you and I might be the only ones on here who know what that means...LOL). I live in Texas now and read your post.
I think what is happening is more about your mother's insecurities than your life situation. I have a friend who has a similar situation, so I am familiar with your story. She is going through a lot...basically starting over. Fortunately for her, I think her parents are supportive.
Personally, I think you are brave and strong going through all that you have been dealing with. Not sure if you are in counseling to talk about this, but I am glad you came here to express yourself. I wish I could give you a hug. Sounds like you need one.
I will say I hope you get to take advantage of this do-over so to speak. Blessings!
It sounds like you need distance. If you can't find another place to live simply avoid being in the same room as her for very long. Don't let her feel bad about yourself and when she does reach out to someone who will support and encourage you.. if you don't have those people in your life continue to post on here.. you are loved! You are worthy! You are capable!
I am old enough to be your mother, but the mother issue doesn’t get better with age. My mother was mean, cruel and abusive. She also said she was sorry she had me. Just hearing those words affects all parts of your life. Anxiety, depression and low self esteem are the consequences of a loveless home. I decided early on I wanted no children and to be nothing like her. I didn’t succeed entirely, but you have to think of yourself first. Find things you enjoy. Try to block her out as much as possible.
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Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
