I can't anymore TW

[Against_the_current]

I'm too tired to even write it. It's hopeless. I'm lost. I need to perish. My mom drunk vented ti me again. I went outside. I called grandma, then a crisis line and talked for an hour, then stayed with some girls in front the block. The gave me a cigarette and i almost passed out. I came home because i was lethargic of all the emotions. Mom vents to me. And i held a knife and started crying. My sister saw me and started yelling at me. She told me she cried every day because of her boyfriend. And that she had another one and they didn't talk for four years. Holy sh*t i thought my sister was innocent like me. I thought she's a nerd like me. I thought she only liked fictional women. And i told her my comfort character will d*e and she said "it's just a 2d character". She litterary had "simping over 2d women" in her bio. What bothers me is when im broken my family just tells they have it worse and reveal horrifying things. Like why should I feel better that you're suffering? Mom vented to me. She loves us a lot but suffers a lot and this brings me great pain. She told me to not listen to my dad's bullsh*t. I told her he says i should deal with it as an adult meaning that he respects me. She said he says this because HE HAS A NEW FAMILY and DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. She said everything is breaking and she doesn't have a man to fix it or pay for it. She said that we're and everything is expensive (i suspected alchol but she runs from this theme and gets aggressive when i try to hint it even subtly). I told her to get out of my head because her breath was annoying my nose (i have problems with my nostrils) and she got the idea im hinting it's alchol and said "my teeth are broken but i don't have money to fix it". She said it that she's using me to explode the tension she got in in a bit different words, i got 5mg of benzos and I can't translate. She told me how miserable everything is. I feel so bad im not working (as everyone is hinting it even in my dreams) but she told me to not accept the job. I started counting some coins and she told me how she worked while studying because her dad broke his leg (because he was drunk driving but may he rest in peace). And another terrible stuff... Why does this family suffer so much and why when im down (because of their problems) they tell me they have it worse (and reveal even more terrifying problems). I wanted to take mom and sis to the swimming pool because this summer has been only pain and i expected money from dad selling the tickets. He didn't give the money i sacrificed the 3day concert and 3 days suffering at home. And sis got mad i was demanding my money "he will give them when he can". Why do i have to suffer over my parents' sins like drinking and making babies? Aren't they adults? And before telling me to get a job, i tried, mom made me decline because she wants me to work on her sick ambitions. She even said i don't need a therapist and a psychiatrist. At home it's misery contest - who suffers the most. The winner takes the right to complain, the rest "don't have it so bad". I even involved myself with seriously mentally ill and violent family from a dangerous ethnic group just to earn from the consultation. Once again like the ticket sale, i saw no money. The girls told me to not get involved with that family. I'm wondering whether to block her or decline or go. These girls are just kids with not so much thought. I can't proceed how teens get relationships. I got my first relationship at 23 and almost didn't see him because i had sprained knee. I'm just a 23 teen and life is a nightmare

[kassalee]

Does Bulgaria have any AlAnon groups available? Or ACOA?

ACOA stands for Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

These are both 12 Step groups.

I'm sorry for the pain you have been experiencing.

[Against_the_current in reply to kassalee]

It triggers me to talk about how bad it gets