Lost in everything

[Falana]

I was with a girl for a long time, and she was the one who chased me, At the beginning, I wasn't into it, I never thought I could be with a girl, but eventually, I fell for her, but for many reasons, our relationship never became public. Last year she broke up with me but then I realized that I really love her but she doesn't be with me anymore, the reason she gave me is that the relationship is wrong and it's unfair to me and she wants me to have a normal relationship. It was very hurtful and I didn't want to have any connection anymore but she insisted that we be friends and she wanted to love me as a friend. I couldn't say no to her but every time I see her it's excruciating. I couldn't accept her reason for the breakup, and until now I still can't move on. I don't know what to do.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Sorry you’re dealing with all this Falana. Just think of yourself and be honest with yourself. If you can’t have a relation as a friend cause it’s hurting you, take some time and distance/space. Might help you heal and you can be friends later. Hang in there.

[Falana in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thank you. I have been trying to keep distance but she calls and visits me a lot, she says I’m her best friend and she doesn’t want us to be distant, it’s so hard for me to say no to her. I don’t understand what she wants. I tried to move to another city by applying for a school this year but I failed, now both my career and my love life is a mess. I feel so lost.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Falana]

But that’s not fair to you. You had a relationship and you wanted to still be in the relationship. She didn’t want to. So yeah ur a best friend but ur being hurt by just being the friend. Can you re apply for school or re focus on the career ur lookin at? Hang in there and keep trying. You got this.

[Falana in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Yeah, I’ll try again next year, but in the meantime I can’t focus on anything, just keep on thinking about everything that happened, I feel that I’ll fail again if I can’t change psychologically.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Falana]

I hear you. You’re not alone. That’s anticipatory anxiety. And it’s not fun or friendly. Just take a step back, try to do a couple sets of deep breathing with a mantra of self love or self faith. You can and you will. Then do some mindfulness just notice the things around you and say them. Starts to quiet the thoughts a little. Help your focus come back.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Falana,Sorry for change in your relationship. Take the advice for time and space to consider your feelings.

If you are really struggling to process the situation, call on a therapist for counselling. You might need 3-5 sessions instead of the normal 10-12 recommended for depression or anxiety.

The alternatives are to keep communicating with your friend openly and honestly or practising acceptance of the change for the time being.

None of this will be easy on your own. Boost your mood by doing something nice for yourself and check in with us occasionally 💜 🐈‍⬛

[Falana in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you for your suggestion, I have been seeing my consultant for few times, I haven’t told my consultant about this part of my life, mostly about my work since it’s also one of the reasons I’m depressed, I don’t know if I should or how to start talk about this with my consultant. I can’t tell my friend about this either because no one knew we had a relationship and she wants to keep it a secret, it’s really frustrating and I really don’t know how to deal with it.

[Hidden]

I am curious why you chose to hide the relationship. Based on that, I understand her unwillingness not to reignite the relationship. Accept her friendship and see where it goes. She has told you she wants something "normal." Don't dismiss that.

[Falana in reply to Hidden]

We hide it because the relationship was not accepted, and she thinks we’d judged and she has too much to lose, but with all those difficulties we had, the relationship still lasted for years and now we have less problems to worry about, she just gave up.