For long time I was struggling with so much stress, anxiety and depression due my toxic job, also because I have nobody to help me in anyway, I have not so much friends and there is no one that I can be completely open without the fear of being judged. In my home I am not comfortable anymore because it is a very small place for my son and I. By this moment I can't afford another place. Also I have been struggling with low motivation and no energy , so my home is a mess. My son is a teenager with a diagnostic of ADHD and anxiety too. It is not easy to care of him when I can't do it for my own life . It is difficult to help him when I am sad or stressed all the time.
Well, even though the whole situation that I explained, I started to feel motivated again and happiness. It was because after 20 years I reunited with an old friend. My friend has been in love of me since highschool but I never wanted a love relationship with him. He still contacted me and visited me a lot of times for about 4 years just trying to have a love relationship with me. But I never wanted. I did not love him.
Before he got married, I started to feel interested for him but it was too late because he started a sentimental relationship with someone else.
He lived his life, he married and got kids. I got a son too. He still tried to be in contact with me but just to know about me , because he said he still loved me. After 13 years of marriage he is going to divorce because his wife cheat on him twice. After 3 months he contacted me again. So we started to talk a lot get so much fun. He said he still love me and I gave us a chance. It seemed very perfect. He still was crazy in love of me and I started to love him too. We were dating and getting so much fun. All that situation makes me feel alive and happy again. I started to feel a lot of good emotions because our relationship. I thought that probably it will help me to gain the strength that I lose when I started with my depression. I thought that this relationship will help me . But everything changed. Our relationship is not going anymore because of personal problems that he is facing.
That situación just added more pain to my mental health. I was feeling stronger but then suddenly it faded away and left a deeper pain and sadness.
Now, I feel worse than before because all my anxiety and sadness came back but with a booster. With a heartbreak.
I can't find a place for me to feel safe of my feelings. I don't want to go home. My job is an ugly place. I don't want to go to the gym because I don't feel any calm. I just stay inside my car for hours because I don't have a place to stay.
I am just feeling so much pain emotionally and physically because of my anxiety that I am just crying the whole day. Then when I get tired, I rest my mind a bit, . It gets white. No emotions, no thoughts. Nothing. The time goes faster when I am in that point. But then I start to think again and all the pain and sadness come back. It is like a circle.
I know that I have to take the correct steps for me to feel better but how can I do it if my mind doesn't help me because my sadness. I know that there are a lof of valuable things in my life that can help me, like my son, that I have a home to live in, that I have a job, etc.
But I can't feel that good emotions that come with all of that.
I am sorry if it is difficult to understand my writing. I am still practicing my English but I hope that you guys can understand what I meant.
I don know how to feel happy again. I want my life back under my control again.
I don't know how. I am just crying all the time and thinking in my new disappointment.
Not perfect 
New here: My Depression and Anxiety wrecked my relationship
Im feeling very low and depressed
Better without him
Deciding to breakup and co parent 
