Really having an Episode

[Den2542]

I really need support right now for anxiety and depression

[Lost-and-Stuck]

Hey Den2542. I’m here to listen.

[Den2542 in reply to Lost-and-Stuck]

I'm so scared bc I can't seem to shake this. Normally this would last for a week or so, but this has worsened since March 2O24. I just don't know what to do and don't know where to go. I have a general doctor appointment scheduled that was routine and was going to tell my doctor but I'm sure he'll laugh at me or think I'm crazy.

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

I hope that your doctor will be supportive and guide you to the help you need. Have you looked into getting a therapist at all yet? I am glad you have found yourself here to us. I offer you my support.

[Den2542 in reply to gajh]

I'm not sure how to ask for one. I suppose when I see my doctor, he'll tell me. I'm so afraid it would affect my security clearance with the government. I'm so paranoid of sharing anything about myself bc I'm so afraid people would get to know me, and maybe they would reject me and abandon me. My goodness, I know I have issues. I have issues of trust. I've kept this in for so many years. This anxiety and depression are destroying my life. I'm a mess. Am I fixable?

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

Yes you are fixable. Is there a way you can check on your security clearance without alerting anyone? Just to get that information and know if it is an issue or not.

[Den2542 in reply to gajh]

Right now I know my clearance is good. Not sure when it comes up for renewal if they'll ask me a question if I sought treatment and if so for what. What I know if if they ask and I lie I'm in trouble. That's what had stopped me from any therapist for years plus my fear of telling someone my issues and maybe they'll abandoned me.

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

I certainly understand that you have the concern about the clearance. Also your fear of telling someone and abandoning you. I am so glad you are reaching out here. That is a great step. There is so much support available here.

[Den2542 in reply to gajh]

So there's people here that have these same issues, fears, sadness, and anxiety and depression? I use to be so in control when I was younger. I feel so lost, so empty, so alone, and helpless bc I can't help myself bc I don't know how.

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

Yes there absolutely are people here with the same issues. There are people at all different stages of their journeys. It is so inspiring to hear from people who have recovered. You just have to take one step at a time. You are not alone any longer.

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

I just want you to know that I have to go for now. I am happy to talk to you more. I am glad we got to talk. I will check back in with you.

[gajh in reply to Den2542]

Good afternoon. I was so glad to see that you were here talking with some other people today. I was sorry to read about your painful past and all you are going through now. It made such a difference in my life connecting with people here. I hope the same is true for you. I hope you stay connected.

[Lost-and-Stuck in reply to Den2542]

I too, feel like I was much more in control when I was younger. My therapist and nurse practitioner told me that I need a higher level of care; specifically attending an intensive inpatient or outpatient program.

[Den2542 in reply to Lost-and-Stuck]

Hmmm. I wonder what that means? Is that a money grab by the hospital for money or insurance? Or is that a really recommended treatment that will help us? So what I know or have learned on my own without therapy is that 1) I never was able to process what happened to me as a child and I'm doing that crap now 2) I'm suppose to visit my inner child what ever tf that suppose to mean 3) that I'm suppose to accept whatever tf happened to me and that I can't change it, and its not my fault, 4) that I am to forgive my abuser for me and that forgiveness is not for them it's for me 5) that my abuser will never accept responsibility or accountability and I gotta accept that, 6) that I have to live in the present moment, 7) that I am not suppose to think about the past, and 8) and that I should not worry about the future bc it ain't here yet. I got all that. But the gaps of what I didn't learn as a child is what I don't know how to deal with. And i struggle with. I don't trust people, I don't like being around people, I don't know how to love people what ever love means any ways, I don't know how to feel my own pain, I'm indecisive, very sensitive, an overthinker, over analyzer, people pleasing, shell of a man. I don't know how to process thoughts, I think people are gonna hurt me. And, I am living like there's a crisis gonna happen at any moment. Is this our lives now? Is this what therapy is about? Where do I go from here. I'm such a loser. Do you all have thoughts like this. Here I an pouring my thoughts out to total strangers and I feel stupid bc I can't solve my own issues

[Lost-and-Stuck in reply to Den2542]

They genuinely believe that I attend an intensive outpatient program since they feel its the best course of action. But to answer your question, I do experience the thoughts that you mention and I too, are unable to solve my own issues. I struggle with social anxiety as well so I can relate to not wanting be around people and not trusting them. Hopefully, maybe therapy can shed some light on that.

Lastly, you are not a loser. I wish I could be of more help but I am struggling with so much as well and am currently unable to resolve my own issues as well.

[Lost-and-Stuck in reply to Den2542]

Have you ever attended/considered attending therapy?

[Den2542 in reply to Lost-and-Stuck]

I'm going to try but I'm scared.

[Starrlight]

Hi how long have you felt depressed and anxious?

[Den2542 in reply to Starrlight]

I never knew what it was. I know as a child I was a severely abused child. But back then it was about basic survival. When I joined the military I had people around me so not so bad but yes I felt abandoned. After I got married and even more after the divorce that I asked for it seemed to get worse. And now with my kids gone it's getting worse and worse everyday. I'm so scared. This depression and anxiety is frightening me. So I suppose I've always had this, it now at a point where it is consuming me and I'm scared. There's days I just want it to go away. I'm reaching out bc I'm scared.

[Starrlight in reply to Den2542]

It must have been a living nightmare for you as a child. I’m sorry. What do you think, these days, that you are scared of? The anxiety and depression themselves, or certain things they bring? There’s the fear of the unknown (will it get worse, what if it goes on and on I just can’t take it anymore) then there are the details in life that we come across, one by one, again and again… once we face those fears, we are free. I don’t have the strength yet to face all of my fears but as they topple over onto me I deal with them and I become better prepared to deal with the next. I was just wishing today, like on many other days, that it would be the end. I was wishing that I could stop. Just stop. I never asked to be here. That somehow it would all end up ok for all the people I love and I could just disappear without them noticing. I don’t think I’m thinking right. Or at least not how I want to. I recently sunk into depression myself. So Im not the best one to know how to tell you how not to let the illness and other things in life scare you. Just know there are many others who are also scared and you are stronger than you think. Things don’t stay the same. Good things happen. Just get through this one day. Then deal with the rest later. Try to be in the present moment. Let yourself feel all the feelings.

[Den2542 in reply to Starrlight]

I'll try to answer the best I can. You have to understand that as a child we were not allowed to have a thought, feeling or opinion. Voicing any of this well we were beaten. I won't go into how bc someone may be traumatized. But I can say physical, emotional, psychological, mentally and each had a sexual component. My abuser should have went to prison. I escaped at 15. So 15 years of this. I believe my abuser had NPD BPD and OCD but don't know for sure. I grew up I think codependent. Everything I do is to make others pleased. If one voices displeasure at me I take it very deeply personal and with emotion. If someone experiences pain I can actually feel that pain as if it were my own. If some one does or says something my intuition tells me something is wrong but I can't be sure, and my head tells me that it could be wrong but I'm not sure. I have no basis to tell me that something is not right. I can't tell if someone is plotting against me or supporting me bc my trust factor with people is gone. Therefore I fear people and I fear they are against me. I ended up getting married to someone exactly like my abuser. The same. Divorced her after 18 years. 3 boys we had and even they knew she had issues. She had Bipolar and BPD. At this point I'm lucky to live but I'm so tired of the continued abuse. I'm going thru a work HR issue that I filed for workplace harrassment and bullying and my bully tries to turn this back on me. So right now there's so much much going on that I can't take much more.

[Starrlight in reply to Den2542]

I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked so you wouldn’t feel pressured to bring up your painful past and I’m sorry. For me it helps to talk about whatever is bothering me, but not all cases are the same. My heart goes out to you and I will continue to be here for you. Remind yourself you are safe now. When I have trouble eating, smoothies are easier. I hope you have a doctor to see, you could ask about help to the able to sleep. Please know we care about you.

[Den2542 in reply to Starrlight]

Oh no, dont feel bad. I need people too to process feelings and thoughts just like you and all of us. I have such an inability to process my own feelings and thoughts. Yet I can feel others' feelings and emotions like they are my own. I've learned that if I can have help to process, maybe what another says it might get me thru the moment. I can feel another's anguish and pain so easily. I'm not even sure how I do that. Omg I never thought about the smoothie thing. Up until now, bc of my anguish, I'm going through I haven't been eating. Story of my life. When I feel depression and anxiety, I just stop eating and drinking water and routinely pass out. I was deprived of food in childhood, so self punishment is easy for me. I often joked in the military if I were taken prisoner of war, and my captors deprived me of food I'd be ok... whatever. So self deprivation... bc I know that chaos so well. So ur comment about the smoothie just helped me. I just have to do that bc Starrlight said so, and it might save me a trip to the ER like always. I was already getting massive muscle twitches in my legs, arms, and chest the night before I got on this site, and I knew that was a severe electrolyte imbalance that could cause stroke. This site helped me just by having someone to talk to to remind me to eat my first small meal yesterday even though it's so easy not to eat. We all need to keep talking to one another. Wed is my Dr apt so I will see what a mess I'm in.

[Starrlight in reply to Den2542]

Thank you for being you. You are so kind. I feel others’ pain too. Since I was very young.

Yes, have a smoothie. I will, too. I hope it makes you feel better. And drink a cup of water. You can get electrolyte drinks at the convenience stores.

That’s great you have an appointment on Wednesday. You may be in better shape than you think, let’s hope.

Continue to write when it’s helpful and work things out in your head. You are so strong.

[Williams3lw]

Hi Den1542. I'm here if you wanna pm me. I will listen it is a large amount of great people on here. We all need support and you will feel loved on this platform.

[Den2542 in reply to Williams3lw]

Hello Williams31w. Omg I just want to cry because it's been so hard. I can't shake this off. It's gotten worse and I try all these aps. I'm not eating good, I cry alot, I'm not sleeping, I have no desire for nothing. Please PM me.

[Williams3lw]

Yes. I'm here I don't have any notifications or anything for this app so I just check often. Do you need me I'm here. I just pm u.

[Den2542 in reply to Williams3lw]

I went to settings to have it notify me in an email