someone close to me got under my skin really well. I don’t know what to do after a fight I haven’t been in a fight in years I guess it’s gonna happen and I guess I’ll have to try to please the person since I have to live with him and try to calm down and try a bit harder in the work that I do that he thinks is not at all good enough. He could have talked to me instead of yelling at me. If only he could walk in my shoes some time. See how it feels. I’m so anxious and depressed and angry. I just want to die honestly. I feel like I suck now. My self esteem wasn’t good to begin with. And I know I have to act but I feel paralyzed. My heart feels broken and unwanted. Thanks for listening.
I’m really really really upset - Anxiety and Depre...
I’m really really really upset
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Starrlight
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It sounds like there's no excuse for him speaking to you like that no matter what the reason, so please don't let it make you feel bad about you! He embarrassed himself.
Thank you. I feel like I didn’t deserve it but I can’t help feeling bad. He made my life feellike it’s sinking. I will wait but I doubt he will apologize. I don’t know if I want his negativity in my life anymore.
Hi, I’m sorry. When someone we love shows us by words or actions they don’t really feel the same - it is very hurtful. You deserve to be treated like Platinum ( no matter what). It’s so easy for me to say this to you, yet I can’t tell myself but it is true! You DESERVE to be loved and treated well.
Please try not to beat yourself up as you did nothing wrong. I try and make a list of what I want and how I want to be treated.
I hope you feel better!
He also told me how I should not act but it’s ok for him I guess. So what- you are saying my husband doesn’t love me?
Oh my gosh NO NO that is not what I meant. I am so sorry, that’s a horrible thing to say. I should have worded that different
No It’s ok I am sorry I jumped to conclusions. I should have known it was not meant that way but when I’m upset like this and adrenaline is high things seem negative to me.
It hurts when those we love make us feel less of ourselves. He may not even know his words and actions are causing so much pain to you.
I do hope you feel better and again I’m sorry for the misunderstanding of what I wrote.
I’m cleaning and crying and he’s out of the house doing what he wants. I had to stop crying because my dog Coco shakes when I cry.
"I had to stop crying because my dog Coco shakes when I cry. "
It blows my mind how animals pick up on our emotions.
.
I remember my dog being happy when I was happy, and being sad when I was sad.
Many times I get into conflicts with people in my life. I spend much time going over it in my head, over and over. I try to let it go but, for some reason, I can't. I think what is really going on is I feel like I cannot be angry. It is like I can't allow myself to have all the emotions associated with the event that triggered me. I think one of the sources of my trouble is the fact that my family never allowed me to be angry. They often say, "You can't be angry about this because..." It is always that I don't understand, or else I would be riding a pink cloud right now, like the rest of them. I always had my feelings dictated to me, regardless of how I genuinely felt. I had to have their permission to be angry. But guess what! Sometimes, I am royally p???ed! Bad things happened all my life when I got angry. It was always "you are not supposed to get angry about THAT! I have PTSD from this - every time I got mad, I got my butt kicked (to say the least). I am learning to some degree that I need to feel my emotions and express them in an appropriate way, and with the appropriate people. Those people are not my family. It is you folks and other people in my life who DO understand, and I am thankful for all of you. It is forever difficult to FEEL my feelings without believing I am bad for them. But, in therapy, I am trying to learn this is not true but it is very difficult sometimes. I don't know if this will help you in your situation, but I hope it is. Sending my best wishes to you.
I get that. I was sent to my room if I got angry growing up. But I can still get angry it just throws me into a dark hole. I get that I feel guilty all the time for feeling anything I guess I’m always not good enough in my mind. Thank you for sharing what you say is helpful while I process this. And I’m sorry you were treated so badly. That’s not right and not fair to you. Let’s focus on treating ourselves right. I feel like my husband is my enemy so being compassionate to myself will have to be a thing no one else is going to do it except nice people on this site.
And you Starrlight.The nice people on this site may be kind and compassionate but unless you are
to yourself you will continue to hurt. Never allow anyone to put you down, to
hurt you to the core, it's not worth your mental pain.
Know that you don't deserve to be treated with disrespect. Immediately walk away
and find a quiet place and breathe in calm and exhale the stress. Stand a little taller,
pull your shoulders down away from your ears and know that you are loved.
We love you but also love yourself. You would be surprised that in time your self esteem
will rise, your confidence will grow and you will then realize just what a wonderful human
being you are. I stand beside you. 
xx
That’s what I said. I said I would be compassionate towards myself. We also teach people how to treat us I know. It hurt because I was treated very badly. It’s a natural reaction to be upset but yeah the better way would be to get away from him instead of asking for it. He got angry and I wanted to know why. Thanks for standing beside me. (((((((Beautiful Agora)))))))))
Beautiful words Agora. Thank you for being here for our friend. I've saved them for myself too.
I've been reading your posts for a very long time.
I don't think you've posted often about this often, am I right?
It hurts. I know how it hurts. Maybe if it happens only rarely you can see it as an exception? It's plenty big and bad enough. If it's something he seldom does, see if you can see it that way.
I wish I could take away your hurt.
Starr, you know that just because he thinks the work you do isn't good enough doesn't make it so. It only makes it that he doesn't appreciate it the way you'd like him to. Not at the moment he's saying those awful words anyway.
I haven’t posted on this before. Yeah it happens rarely. You are so wise thank you.
🙏
" It is forever difficult to FEEL my feelings without believing I am bad for them."
Me too. Our wonderful forum gives us a place to learn we can feel our feelings.
Very well said. Thank you for sharing your words and your story. I lived the same life.
I'm sorry for what you have gone through but it sounds like you are on the path to healing.
Wishing you peace and continued success in your journey
🐬
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Stippler)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It is not you my lovely, it is him. You are not to blame for his actions. Unfortunately men can be selfish I am sorry to say. Please look after your health, try not to think about it so much xx
Thank you!!! He looks down on me I think. He’s been full of himself for a long while now. Maybe since I met him and it just is still there. Maybe he doesn’t love me. I don’t know. l think I love him and I’m not going to allow myself to fear him which he would probably want. Not right.
very true, do not let him put you down, nobody is better than anyone. We are always here if you need us xxx
Thank you MusicalKitty. I cleaned the shit out of the house even though I’m sick and should be resting. Am I worthy now? Just kidding. But that’s how he made me feel. Unworthy. But I did it for me to prove I could and so that I could be at peace now in a great environment.
Don't tell yourself for one second you're earning your worth! Evil words! Clean the crap out, and curse the daylights out of it as you go. Do it for yourself to work out your hurt and righteous anger.
Of course you can. You knew you could. I knew you could.
You're entitled to rest when you feel the need. "But you don't look sick..." has been weaponized against us.
I hope the peace you've created around you helps you have a more healing rest later.
Wow you know what I did do it and only for myself! You’ve got it smart lady!
I know you cleaned the whole house my lovely but do you feel like it's a control thing and that's what he sort of wanted you to do? sorry I have been through something like this.
Yeah I told him I’ll do what I want act how I please. Im really not liking who he has been for the majority of this year.
You've noticed that to, hmm?
"Unfortunately men can be selfish I am sorry to say. "
That kind of goes both ways.
We all have our own experiences on this, but it all depends on the person.
I suppose it can go both ways but from my experience I have dealt with a very selfish man. Sorry for any offence.
"I suppose it can go both ways but from my experience I have dealt with a very selfish man. Sorry for any offence."
It's cool, and I'm not offended.
Sorry that you had a bad experience, but I get it.
.
By all means.. I'm far from perfect, but I've seen enough of it with both sides.
Hey . Yes dealing with conflict is difficult . You are entitled to have feelings and If someone yelled at you of course it's okay to be angry or upset about it . Obviously I don't know your guys history but I have a feeling it's a one sided relationship . You do things try to make him happy but what ever you do he always criticises or it's not good enough . But what does he do for you ?. A relationship is a two way street both of your needs need to be met .
When I first got sick he acted like he was a god for buying me cranberry juice. That’s something anyone who loves one another would WANT to do. I am definitely not sure if he loves me. Oh well
"acted like he was a god for buying me cranberry juice."
Oh my God a page out of my life. This'd be freaking hysterical if...
You know what comes to mind? I remember a comedy routine Rosanne Barr used to do. A guy would offer to fulfill her dreams... I don't remember exactly, but her comeback was went something like "wash the dishes".
Hahaaaa! Niiiice.
Yes exactly. If you want to do something for someone , you do it because you love/ like that person and you want to make them happy / support them . Not because you want to use it to prove your worth or to prove your a " good person" What do you like/ love about him ?
Oh well ?. It doesn't sound like you can sustain the relationship in its current form . You both need to work at it together .
Yeah we need to work on it. I think I’ll write him a letter explaining what I need from him. I need him to once in a while say nice things to me… but it’s like if I have to tell him it’s just plain silly you know? Like if he did it would he mean it probably not.
What do I like about him? I like how he treats our younger kids. He treats our oldest badly. I like his enthusiasm for life. I like how he laughs.
It be good if you both can sit down and talk . Would be willing to talk it through with you . Have you thought about couples counseling ?. I would try to avoid like pointing the finger as he probably just get defensive or end up in an augment. You can say that your not happy , you can ask him how is feel in your relationship too. I would talk more on how you feel , maybe you don't feel appreciated or you don't feel heard ( what ever it that is true to you ) and get him to do the same . Also tell him what you like as well .
I am probably the last person that could offer insight into a healthy relationship. I can not for the life of me recall much success in them. With so much failure though, I have learned some things. Love can be beautiful and certainly worth making concessions for, but not as a subservient. Relationships have to be equal partnerships if they have a hope to thrive.
The best fix for a marital spat is clear and concise communication. Address your concerns with your partner and create an amicable solution that neither benefits or harms you both. Compromise only works if both parties stand to lose something. If you are continually the only loser of such scenarios, you should look to unburden your heart and mind with more drastic measures such as spending time apart or counselling.
I truly hope you are able to work out what you are experiencing and come out of it a stronger person for it. I am rooting for you.
Thank you so much! Very good insights to ponder on. I’m putting space between us and I’m thinking about having a talk at a later time,… we’ve been to counseling before and we may go again. I doubt he would want to though. He’s like a child whose stomach hurts when it’s time to go to school. It wouldn’t be fun for him and I think he would not care enough about me to go. He’s changed. I have too for the better. Him not so much. I know that’s only my point of view but it’s just true.
It is great that you have shown strength in this moment of extreme uncertainty and are still looking at the bigger picture. I commend you for putting some distance between each other and for your courage to exhaust other options before making rash choices. I believe in love and hope it finds you.
Thank you so!!!!! Means a lot to me.
(((((⭐️)))))
No one has the right to treat you that way. Some people thrive on trying to break us.
It's hard to do this after a verbal assault but dig deep, look inside and tell yourself you are not what he thinks of you.
He's got the problem.
I'm sorry you are hurting my special friend. Go on strike! Power to the Woman.
❤️🐬
He came home and apologized right off and said he was just overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed and I don’t use that as an excuse to treat anyone like shit. I won’t trust him any more. I’ll always wonder when he’s going to snap again. I just said Uh huh when he apologized. Im keeping my distance now. I like my own company way more than his.He’s very self absorbed lately. So sad. Looks like we have our work cut out for us. (((((((((((((((( 🐬)))))))))))))))) ❤️⭐
Some will say that's good he apologized. The reality is the words have already done the damage. So now you are left to pick up your broken pieces. Bet he's sound asleep
I understand human nature and that whole bit. When someone knows your vulnerability and pushes the buttons it's cruel.
I know you would never do that to someone. You are a better person.
Big hugs to you
Awww yes everything you say is true. Love ya so!
That's terrible 😔
He shouldn't have yelled at you. You are not a child and you're not lazy.
He should have been able to express his feelings like an adult. Give you a chance to hear him out but also share your feelings as well.
He shouldn't have tore you down. By making you feel like your best isn't your best. Now you are walking on eggshells to not offend him any further where he should be apologizing for speaking to you in a harsh tone and for tearing you down.
You are doing the best you can do with what you have. And you're trying. I'm sorry that happened to you. Don't let him or his words take away from any strides you have made. 🫂 Hugs to you
Well if I was a child or lazy still I didn’t deserve yelling at … I told him so and he got a look like he knew I was right.
You are so right now I walk on eggshells waiting to not do good enough for him.
Don’t think there’s any excuse for treating you like that, do you have to stay with him? I have just cut my son out of my life, as his new girlfriend wanted this, after years of narcisstic behaviour, it hurts but I feel calmer , I was always walking on eggshells , he scared me! Love you 😍
Oh wow I bet that to was difficult to do. ((((((((((((((Florida my friend))))))))))))))) love you so!!! I’m so sorry. Yes I think I have to stay with him for our kids sake. Plus I still love him.
(((((((Starlight))))))
I think I did that right.
.
I'm sorry that all of this happened, but we are all here for you.
Awww thank you
(((((((((((( AnxiousSilver))))))))))))))))))
"Awww thank you
(((((((((((( AnxiousSilver))))))))))))))))))"
.
You know what Starrlight, I needed that hug.
I went for a walk last night, (I was stressed out) I must have bumped my trunk unlock on my keymote coming back inside with my front jeans pants pocket, because I accidentally popped open my trunk.
.
I just took out garbage and saw my trunk popped open in the middle of the street, and all night long it was raining hard.
Sooo.. I grabbed a towel and just got done sponging and wringing out water from my trunk as best that I could.
My hands are all prunny ATM, and hopefully the inside of the trunk won't end up smelling like mildew.
Either way, it happens, and I needed that hug.
Awww that is stressful. I’m so sorry here’s another one ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AnxiousSilver)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))It will be okay.
Thank you.
Hopefully you're feeling a little bit better today too.
There's no excuse for yelling at you. If he doesn't like it he can do it himself. HUGS my friend ❤
Yeah, right? True. ❤️
I put up with alot of things but yelling at me is where I draw the line.
Same here.
Before replying to you I thought I'd read everyone's replies, and I just think this forum is so good. I have these problems too, but not at the moment, and I don't know why I don't have them at the moment!
So I can see how writing down our issues and sharing them here leads to a lot of people working through things all at the same time - unlike therapy (1 to 1). Therapy is good but pricey. Here, we are friends and by talking, we are coming to realisations and conclusions. We are learning about ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, about how things happen out of the blue in our relationships and how awareness is only in hindsight, how other people can say things that we take and plant and nurture, so that they become huge trees in our minds. We plant the compliments given to us as well but we don't nurture them in the same way!
So many, many times, we get told "You don't deserve to be treated this way!" and we don't. Cleaning the house until you're exhausted can't be the answer. We have to build self-respect because if we don't respect ourselves, others pick up on that and hurl disrespect at us. It makes them feel good (for a time) until they realise they shouldn't have said xyz and weakly apologise. So how can we make them feel good about themselves without being a slave? I suppose we could ask them for help more often because they won't think of it for themselves - it's not in their nature. That might make them feel needed/valued. At the same time, we get some help.👍
Beneath the surface, we are all just children, really, but we are the ones who are observing the behaviour of a fractious child and have to use the same strategies that we would with a child - as soon as the tantrum gets going.😐not😠or😢. It's not easy, is it?
Huge trees in our mind … that is so true! Awesome insights. Yes we are learning about ourselves. I actually do respect myself at least to some degree. That doesn’t give him the right if I don’t fully. Well it’s weird being around him now. And after all that mess my family leaves there dirty dishes for me to take to the sink. Fun shit.
CAN you leave the dishes where they are? Nothing teaches like finding our own shit where we expect something nice to eat. Yeah, fun shit. As one of J's daughters once said to her family "I'm not the only one who lives here". People don't consciously treat others like doormats. Unfortunately, it's up to the doormat to walk away.
Thanks for those ideas. You’re wise.
Thank you. I never thought anyone would say that about me!
Great advice and insight. Thank you.
I realise insight comes from writing.
It sounds like he is hurt himself. My therapist when I first saw, her a few months ago said imagine a protective bubble around you and nothing can get in the bubble think of people around you you support you and love you. We all here support you
Yes he is I think. He was abused terribly as a child. But I am not the people who hurt him. I don’t deserve this… he chooses me out of everyone. Thanks I picture a strong beautiful shield in front of me sometimes thanks for the reminder to protect!
Thanks for the reminder of the shield. I have used that but I have to remember it's there.
Unfortunately people project onto others, usually the ones they are closest to. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.. You are a strong beautiful person.. Sending virtual hugs.
(((((((((((((((((((((Lve2dance)))))))))))))))))))) so true
If you ever want to chat off the forum.. I'm here 😁
😘 thank you
how are you doing sister, xxx
Hi sister! I’m hanging in there. A little discouraged atm 🫤 but trying my best that’s all we can do so I’m good. How are you doing?
so so few health niggles- but will get there, hugs xxxx
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