tired

[GreyWolf001]

'I am tired' is an ironic sentence. It may include physical tiredness but most commonly so many other things. I am tired from this life but have no possibility to move forward. I do not say I am a victim and trapped in this situation because I know very well that no such thing really exists. Therefore I tell you that I have made a decision to stay because unfortunately, it is the only way to keep my kids safe. But this decision kills me, mentally and physically.

Today I woke up from weeks lasting continuous pain during which I have bearly managed to keep my jobs, and kids fed and alive. My home is nasty dirty, even though, the kids have done some cleaning here and there.

I have some bitter memories from just-ended celebrations that I cannot decide should make me feel grateful or even more depressed. I made gifts for children and carried from shop bags filled with goodies. We visited their family for one evening which caused me some bitter emotions as usual. Kids' grandparents gifted them clothes that they won't be able to wear. They also received a bit of cash, well, it would be appreciated if it is the best they can do. I showed up with an expensive cake and small treats for each child, however, I was the only one who returned empty-handed (not that I would want anything, but I also hate being treated in such a way). For one day we went out, I was in pain the whole day but managed to make it through. We went bowling and to a nice restaurant after. No mention I paid. If you wonder where is kid's father the whole time, well, he has been right here. No physical or emotional help. He did not even gift anything to his sons on the occasion. He has been eating the foods I have provided and poisoning everyone's mood. He is a loser, a narcissist, a parasite, and a lot of nasty other things.

I have been taking it day by day, for the past 14-15 years now. I cannot decide am I blessed and so dearly protected by God to still make it ... or perhaps I am just losing my strength and by the time I will make it out, I won't have any strength or desire to do it anymore.

[PacoDennis]

You do sound depressed. Have you seen your doctor about this? They might suggest some meds. It could help along with some therapy. Otherwise, I would see if exercise that you enjoy would help change your mood. Maybe some vigorous running in place if you can manage it, to get your heart rate up, and your blood flowing. That can get your engine started.

Or if you want to keep the status quo, this is a good forum to write about your frustrations, and bad feelings, which we all need on occasion. I have been stuck for many years, not even knowing I was stuck. It was serendipity that woke me up. Nothing I planned, it just happened. Life is funny that way, there is no knowing how things are going to turn out.

Tell me more about what you might enjoy doing, even for a few minutes?

[GreyWolf001 in reply to PacoDennis]

Thank you for your reply, thoughts, and support.

I believe I am almost a master in doing all of those positive and encouraging things to keep me floated. I have listened to countless of self-help videos and read so many more self-help articles. Yes, I do some training on days I can and I do not feel guilt over things I cannot manage today. Sometimes I look at my life and I am amazed myself from everything I have accomplished. It starts fooling me, making me think I am strong, healthy, and successful like other people. And these are the moments I fall down because I start to expect from myself more than I am capable of doing.

Yes, I need therapy, I dream of finding that one person who listens, understands, and guides me, opens my eyes where I can't see, and teaches me how to be stronger. Unfortunately, I live in a country where affordable ones and not good, and I cannot afford regularly such huge amounts of money that professionals are asking here or in foreign countries. And this is the reason why I keep learning on my own.

[Turnipgirl]

Tired is psychological as well as physical.