I’m in one of my better periods right now, and I’ve been trying to use the time to dive into why I get into certain thought patterns when I’m really down. One issue that I always have (but gets more intense when I’m in a depression) is that I’m always way harder on myself than I am on others. I feel like this is pretty common among people with depression.
If someone else behaves badly, does something hurtful, bulldozes other people’s feelings-I will always find an excuse for them. I’ll jump through hoops to figure out why they would act that way, give them the benefit of the doubt, and usually end up blaming myself. I always feel like I should be a better person and that my actions or feelings drive people to act badly. Then I’ll tell myself I must be a narcissist for feeling that others are even thinking about me and my actions enough that it would affect their behavior. That feeds into more self-hatred.
Does anybody else go through this sort of loop? Is there a good way to break out of it? Even in cases where I know logically that I’m not to blame, I still can’t stop feeding into this cycle.
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MotherOfDoggos
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I feel the same way as well. My for instance is my therapist. I've had my doubts about her for a while, but I turn it around as it's my fault. When she says sarcastic things I think it's because I'm not doing what I should and I'm causing her frustration. Why is it my fault? I let my husband listen to one of my sessions that I voice recorded, and he says she is sarcastic and treating you like a child. Put it in perspective for me as to it not being my fault. Unfortunately I don't know how to get my mind out of always thinking it's me.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that! It’s hard enough not to second guess yourself with friends and family- you definitely shouldn’t have to deal with a therapist making your doubts worse! I’m glad your husband was able to help add an outside perspective.
Howdy MotherOfDoggos, I hope this post generates some good discussion because I am curious as well. Here are some of my initial thoughts.
So I love the work of David Burns and this is some of his take : 1 - to feel bad there is a distressing though 2 - to feel bad we have to believe the distressing thought.
I easily get depressed when I believe that I am worthless or a failure, because that thought attacks me every. single. time. I don't do something that I planned or I should on myself.
To feel better we have to 1- have a belief that totally dispels the negative thought 2- we have to believe it.
I find the believing the truth to dispel the distressing thought the hardest part, and I think that the key to believing something emotionally that we believe logically is to have some self-compassion or empathy.
Example: I feel like a failure and worthless because I don't make enough money to afford a house for my family. I believe this off and on and feel like s***. I know logically that a house is not the most important, not compared to quality time with my family and teaching them and having experiences, but my emotions often don't reflect that. Anyway to reset and have some belief there I often have to go back and look at my past and how I was raised and how I got to where I am and what I have been through and sometimes I can get myself to have self-compassion and feel better.
Another side to this story is I binge eat as well and feel really crappy about myself and do nothing but eat crap, sleep, and go to work and this seems to sometimes reset my baseline for expectations of myself. I get to where I don't expect much other than surviving and sometimes after a week or so of this I can "snap out of it" which I suspect is from having lowered expectations.
Ultimately the cure for all this is to come to believe that we all have worth no matter what, and ultimately the "death of the self" where self esteem is not even needed because we have no self.
Sorry for the rambling, but I would love to hear thoughts and support some people here. ☮️
Thanks for the reply- those are interesting thoughts! I think you deal with the negative thoughts a little differently from me, and it seems like a good strategy.
I’ve always been given the advice to substitute a friend for yourself. For instance if I feel bad because I haven’t had enough energy to work overtime, I should pretend a friend is in that situation. Of course I would tell a friend that they have nothing to feel bad about and that we all need time to rest. I don’t find this strategy to be very helpful because I already KNOW that logically. As you said, it’s believing it about yourself.
I think your technique of remembering something that you already did overcome is a better way to look at it. The trouble is always feeling that I’m not enough, so picturing others in any given scenario really doesn’t do the trick. Maybe remembering something positive that I did do and am proud of would be a better way of reminding myself that I’m capable of doing good. Thanks so much for this!
Oh, wow! I'm also excited to see the development of this thread. You are so not alone!
I also love LoveForAll41's statement about lowering expectations for ourselves. I personally think this is key because if we lower our expectations, we would not seem like a failure all the time. If we set really high standards for ourselves, we might feel bad about ourselves if we can't live up to those standards (if that makes sense).
Yes that definitely makes sense! I’m all for a challenge, but you’re right. Setting expectations unreasonably high is a recipe for depression, especially if we’re expecting that from ourselves in every aspect of life. Maybe it would help to start out by picking a single achievable positive action to commit to. It could help to have that one goal/achievement to focus on when the self-criticism gets to be too much.
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