Afraid of doing things for myself

[Orangeblossom85]

Hi guys!

Yesterday I had a group therapy meeting. One of the girls was doing very well for the last months but for the last two weeks she’s back into the hole. She got the courage yesterday to finally open up and talk what’s going on. It was very important for me to listen as I pretty much listened about myself.

I’m posting this as I believe that many of us going through the same struggle all the time and most of us don’t know how to cope with it or break the bad schemes.

Please share your feelings and ways you move on with it. I’m sure many will benefit.

Fear of loosing people

I’m not sure if it’s more about these people being gone from our lives or is it’s the pain that comes from loosing them. But I see that many of us follow the same bad pattern. Never being courageous enough to say the truth, hide behind fake and weak explanations, never trying to build boundaries, say no, deny or - which I find the most difficult- shake these people and point their mistakes. I think that many times we forget to protect ourselves and to take care of ourselves.

I think we are afraid of being who we are as this may jeopardize the relationships we have. Opening up and being exactly as we are, choosing what we want, living as we wish, may be the biggest threat to ruin the relationship, make people go away. But why do we think this way? Why don’t we trust our own opinions, feelings, needs?

I can see that my life drama always comes from one single thing. I give everything, I’m exhausting myself, taking responsibility for someone, for somebody’s problems! I pay such high price for making it easy for them. And when I want something (hardly never) they are not that generous.. and I feel hurt. And when I say that I won’t do something or I’m unable to do so cause something else prevents me... that starts a true storm, which always ends up the same: I’m guilty.

Why don’t we live as “normal” people? Why don’t we say what we think? Why don’t we settle boundaries? Why are we so afraid to say what we think? Why don’t we stand up for ourselves exactly same much as we do for others?

I really struggle with it. And the girl from the group yesterday, she was full of tears feeling so alone in being genuine, in being helpful, in being altruistic...

I’m worried and I’m afraid that I’m gonna hurt myself each and every day as I can’t keep healthy relationships with people. That I don’t ask for help and when I get that courage I’m generally being denied or called weak... that I don’t say upfront what I think, that I can’t say the truth and I’m looking for some blunt words, that I’m lying myself to keep someone else happier...

Do you also suffer this way? Can you cope?

[Hidden]

You must put yourself first, people who really care about you will be there fro you, as I am included! If these people don't support you, try to get them to read up on your issues, I know it's difficult for them to understand but when one truly cares about you they will take the time ! If not then I would just stay away from them because they aren't being helpful to you! I get where you are coming from, I've gotten rid of a lot of those kind of people who say they care but aren't willing to help. I had to move on for me! Now my only friends are on here! I'll always be here for you!!! Big hus just for you with dump trucks of love!!! XXX

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

OOPS meant big hugs, sorry!!!

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

You are so kind and so sweet and I always see you responding with so many great words. I feel that you learnt all by yourself! And that you learnt how to be strong and positive. It’s a hard job, so I congratulate you very very much!

When it comes to choosing people, I prefer to actually isolate myself than to choose. I never deny anyone, never say no, never send someone away. I don’t have courage for it at all! But I do let other people to dump me... which for me is something that I’m used to, however it still hurts me, everytime, even if it’s only a sting...

How to make that move? How to actually make that “list” of people who only bring us trouble and pain, or that we simply don’t have that feeling of energy, of the connection, or maybe we don’t even like them... how to move from thinking that choosing people or not liking them isn’t something bad to do...

[Hidden in reply to Orangeblossom85]

I don't think it has anything to do with not liking them, if they are not any good for you stand up for you!!! Yes I have been through the wringer, my story could be the #1 reality show, hahaha, take them all right off the tv! It's very hard for me to share all of my story & brings up horrible memories, life is too short to dwell on that. I believe in you & you do have the strength to do what it is you want. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat, that is not going to help you in anyway! Stand strong & proud of who you are, flaws & all! There is no perfect person out there & no one is better than anyone one else!!! I do believe in you!!! You CAN do this!!! Peace & Love!!! XXX

[hypercat54 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Hi I think the thing is to start changing you mindset. I was wondering do you let people choose you as a friend or do you decide? This might seem trivial but it is actually the key to good friendships.

Bear in mind too that we all have different layers of friends - social ones, shared interest ones etc. and these are essential and great to be around.

Then you have the good friends and these are the ones you have to be more careful with. Take your time making these - I often hear someone hear saying their best friend they had known for a year let them down or something. It can take several years to reach that level of friendship and for trust to be earned.

Sometimes too you need to be plain speaking but at others you do need to be more tactful and this is normal. But everyone needs friends they can be themselves with and talk to them about anything.

My best friend (unfortunately moved now) was great. I would go round to hers and jabber away letting off steam, then when I had run down she would tell me all her problems. A few hours later we would put the world to rights over cups of coffee and laugh ourselves silly. x

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you very much your reply! It’s really helpful!

I never decided who is my friend, I always let the other person to choose me. The same was with my two boyfriends - they chose me and since I was chosen, I stayed... it’s awful and it brought me so much problems and drama!

I definitely never let myself to choose the person I feel attracted to, in any aspect, and then persuaded that person to “stay” with me.

[hypercat54 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Great but you can't 'persuade' anyone to stay with you and shouldn't anyway. That's just doing what others have done to you. You have to both want to be with each other. x

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hypercat54]

That’s exactly what I was looking to say, there is still some kind of persuasive behaviors needed, even if beyond the words. Some kind of “connection”. Really hard to name it but I guess we all know the meaning.

[hypercat54 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Connection yes. Persuasion no. x

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you :-)))

[AZ1970]

You are a gifted writer. You captured my struggle perfectly. I don't know about you, but I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My dad was an alcoholic. He was the only person allowed to have feelings and emote. Everything was about him and to keep him happy. Back then, denying my feelings was self protection. Making sure he was ok was survival. There were harsh consequences otherwise. Additionally we were a well-known family in the small town in which I lived. I had to live a lie outside of the house. No one could know what went on.

All of that set me up for codependency in my relationships. My own needs are dangerous. If I have needs, you may hurt me or you may leave me. While this may not be true in my current day relationships, my brain and my body are so ingrained with these "rules" I immediately neglect my needs for my husband's. I hold things in so I don't upset him. It makes me sick. It lead me to the hospital. It is my method of self harm. Over and over again.

I personally would like those on this site to remind me and encourage me to be true to myself. Like what I like, not what someone else does. Do what I want to do. Say no. Say yes to myself. So I give you all permission to call me out on my self harm.

I apologize if I made this all about me. You hit a nerve and I needed to share this. THANK YOU!

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you!!!

Amazing words and so good you had opened up! It takes a lot to talk!

Neglecting is the needed word and actually key word! I believe that this is exactly what we are doing to ourselves - we are neglecting our own!

I do believe that we take it so far that our bodies start speaking up for us. My depression was due to exhaustion that I caused myself by not being able to set my borders and express my needs, not to even think of executing them

[AZ1970 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

I love this!

[Hidden in reply to AZ1970]

You need to put yourself first, then you will be better for those around you & there is nothing selfish doing this!!! All the best for you!! Love & Hugs! XXX

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to AZ1970]

You know what - I think that the best is to start now : so for what do you crave today? what would you do, if you could be yourself, free to choose!

[Hidden]

Wonderful post. I am always standing up for myself and it turns people off. I think people would rather have friends than to speak up .....

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

And how do you make it? How do you stand tall?

[Hidden in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Sometimes I isolate , but when I am out and about it is just who I am. I can't be any different.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Hidden]

So great! Congratulations:)))