Hello, I'm new, I have depression

[SuchiCat]

Depression affected my life in a bad way, I think it started when I was 11. But until 13 I was functional and able to study and get good grades. But in high-school it became harder, and I started skipping many days at school. It kept getting worse until I was 19. At this time I couldn't go to college anymore, and I couldn't do anything. For the past 10 years or more my life revolved around the suffering caused by the depression. It was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2. I'm not happy, and I'm not good at taking care of myself. I don't feel motivated. If there was a way to stop this fatigue and lack of motivation and lack of interest so I could do anything. When I wake up with this painful feeling I go back to bed. The words don't describe the feeling, the word 'depressed' doesn't describe the complexity of it, and how bad it is. I try to find words to convey the feeling to people who care but the words seem insufficient. I wish there was a way to make my existence less painful!

[hypercat54]

There is a way which is therapy. Are you doing any at the moment?

I understand your painful feelings getting up but by going back to bed you are not dealing with it.

I know its far from easy but try getting up and staying up and dealing with the painful feelings. This way you might pinpoint what the issue is and learn something about yourself.

[SuchiCat in reply to hypercat54]

Hello, hypercat54.

Yes, I've been getting therapy. I take weekly sessions. I'm doing Schema Therapy. I have been meeting my doctor for a couple of months, or maybe more, I can't remember exactly. I will try to write my feelings down. In general I feel that nothing can help in my case. I journal a lot but my thoughts are all over the place. My mind has so many thoughts all the time and I can't get it to focus on one thing.

In general I feel helpless.

[Stilltrying2]

Hello SuchiCat,

Welcome to the community. I am sorry for what you are going through. Hopefully you will find some comfort here. There are many here who have similar struggles. Maybe we can help each other along the way.

[SuchiCat in reply to Stilltrying2]

Hello Stilltrying2,

Thank you, yes I was happy to get 2 comments. I think that sharing might give me some comfort. I feel that my depression is different than all other depression. Maybe this itself is a depressive, illogical, thought!

[hypercat54 in reply to SuchiCat]

No its not. And yes it is.

[Stilltrying2 in reply to SuchiCat]

I know that it may feel like your depression is different from all the rest and in a way you are correct in the fact that we are all unique. Your life experiences are different from mine, but I do believe you will find a lot in common with other sufferers.

[Tracey0101]

I suffering from bipolar but I have recently learnt if I go back on my bed I will just fall asleep and feel much worse and even if I sit in my chair in my living room I will just fall asleep and I just say no to both until I have been for some fresh air which wakes me up a bit with the wind going on my face and hearing the birds and animals and even the peace and quiet like seeing the different colours of flowers and trees and plants and the green grass and children around and people and the sun shining through and that makes a difference to me for a little while though it is for only little while I will go again later as if I sit or lay down I'm going to just sleep all day and every day I have relized that the enemy wants us to stay in because life is much bigger outside than inside and the longer we stay in we are in our self bubble when we are out we are seeing our life from the outside and others around us we start thinking about who we seen and what we can see and do around us we see everything around us people helping each other and us helping others and it may have just been we said hello to someone and that may have made a difference to someone else like when someone says hello or hi to us they have made a difference to us. We don't know who we will meet unless we do something we can all do our best even if its going out and meeting one person and making one tiny thing to blessed someone else instead of us staying in with our struggles and battles and just sleep all day and we limit ourselves by giving into our feelings instead of just going out for even 2mins if that's our best for today then at least we tried and did our best no matter how we felt we still left the house to make a bit of a effort it's like if the car only got a passenger but not a driver then the passenger will not get where he wanted to be as the driver decided to stay in bed then I have left the passenger without a driver today and so I failed the passenger for going by my feelings instead of doing what I needed to do.

[SuchiCat in reply to Tracey0101]

Yes, this is a beautiful way to look at it. That even if I do a little effort to go outside, it might be much better than just sleeping or sitting on the couch in my living room. I sit in my living room and watch TV and scroll all day in my mobile. I'm sure that if I push a little and go outside it would be better.

Thank you.

[Tracey0101 in reply to SuchiCat]

Yes if you really push yourself you will be able to get outside and it just takes the edge off it but is much better than staying in on phone or watching TV or sleeping it gives a lift in our spirits and does feel better than staying in

[Stilltrying2 in reply to SuchiCat]

SuchiCat,

I do force myself to go outside for a walk every day. I read somewhere that walking releases endorphins which will help improve your mood. I think it might be worth trying. Another thing you might want to try is listening to some positive affirmations. What works for one may not work for another, and I’m not saying either is a “cure all”, but they may be helpful.

[cashew78]

Sorry, I wanted to chime in here because your post made me think of something. Have you ever heard the term 'double depression'? It's basically someone suffering from two co-morbid depressive disorders... throw bipolar on top of that and you got something especially terrible. All this to say that maybe your depression is very, very different from most other people. It's something you might be able to better research if you know what 'dysthymia' is. Also, just to parrot what someone else mentioned. Routine. It helps, but I guarantee you it doesn't always feel great. If you can set a daily and weekly routine (start easy) it may help tremendously. The trick is you gotta do it though; wether you're up, wether you're down, make it a habit to do and do it in moderation. It may create some stability. Good luck.

[SuchiCat in reply to cashew78]

This is the first time I hear about 'double depression', I read an article and I can understand what you're saying. It makes sense. Thank you, I'm going to research this more.

I have a problem with commitment, I'll try this routine advice, but I hope I can commit to it. I get all perfectionistic and my mind becomes messy and starts getting excited and wanting to do everything at once, then I find no energy so I become down again.

In the article about double depression it says that people with double depression might not experience a normal mood like in Major Depression, this applies to me, I don't remember what normal mood is, I didn't even know that people with depression can experience normal mood. My baseline is always depression. I don't remember normal.

I'll try the routine advice, but I hope I can apply it.

[cashew78 in reply to SuchiCat]

Do what you can. If it doesn't work, okay, try something else or try again later. Sometimes something that works for one person absolutely does not work for another.