People have promised me that it would get better my entire life. From teachers to my friends and family, to the members of churches I haven't been a part of. Everyone has told me that it has to get better as if it's some kind of rule of life.
I've tried to create conditions for "better" by seeking out professional help, taking care of my physical health, and trying to make the healthiest decisions possible. But no matter what, I'm still depressed.
They say it gets better when you decide you want it to. Well, I did want it to get better for a very long time but it's been over a decade so of course now, I'm not so sure if I can even imagine getting out of this. People say that you need to let go of the past but I've done that to the best of my ability. At times, I've ignored the past completely and it never changed how I felt.
I wish people would be honest with me. My depression is so old that it would start high school this fall. My anxiety has robbed me of simple experiences like having conversations over the phone and sitting in a public park. People say they're sorry and promise me that it gets better without ever telling me how. I don't think I could try any harder than I already have. People praise my resilience as if it benefits me but it doesn't. It's just impressive that I'm still here despite how I've felt for a decade. People can pat me on the back and say all these one-liners but I'm still in the same pain I was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
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An idea that occurs to me is the possibility of "radical acceptance" ie- it may never get better. But, knowing that, it may suddenly become more manageable. I know and feel exactly what you're describing. I'm of the opinion that my major depression issues will most likely never be resolved as it's been about 41 years at this point. And, after all I do, I still end up in the same dark places with the same damned struggles and the same dumb people feeding me platitudes about how it will get better; or worse yet, it'll get better when I choose to not be depressed 🙄So I accept, for me, it's not going to get better. It's going to be this baseline for the foreseeable future and most likely the rest of my life. With that the conversation shifts to what and how can I do this now, can do this when it's bad, can do it when it's worse. I notice now I am able to not let it press on my mind as much, which leaves me more open to address my mood. With that, things are broken down into more manageable parts which I can tackle more easily. It's not perfect, but what ever is? This isn't an easy solution, and it's taken me years of struggle and patience with myself. Good luck, and go easy on yourself.
I often feel the Same way when my meds quit working. I do believe it will improve for you. Try to keep looking for something to look forward to oe something you are grateful for daily. It's hard but it does Take a little work when you feel you can. Baby steps. I hope you get a Gene test to tell which meds work best for you. Your psychologist can order
I also have depression and anxiety for more than a decade and keep hoping for it to be gone but it doesn’t. People have said similar things to me to try and help me. Maybe there’s comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. I find reasons for continuing on. and am trying to do stuff even when I’m anxious or down, although it doesn’t always work. You helped me by sharing. Peace be with you.
You said a lot in this post and believe me I can understand where you are because this last part of the depression has lasted for long years for me. I couldn't even imagine 10 years I'm so sorry that you've been going through it for so long. I just went to my primary care physician exchange my medication in hopes of it working as my previous medications stopped working a long time ago. I have been in depressive episodes off and on since the age of 18 this is my fourth battle so what I do have to say to you is that you do come out of it eventually I just don't have a specific time limit to tell you cuz I don't know. Are you in counseling? Do you take medication? What sort of things do you do in order to get yourself out of bed in the morning? I've lost a lot to my depression including my job and my home and now I live in my sister's basement so I have nowhere else to go but up from here because last year brought me to my knees. In September I will be moving to Florida with my husband which gives me something to look forward to which is good for me and about a week ago I began to see that glimmer of light at the end of its tunnel that used to speak of here. I have a loving husband and a beautiful Maine Coon cat that I practice gratitude with every single day. You have to think of it this way every day above ground is a good day because let me tell you when I was younger between the ages of 18 and 21 I tried to commit suicide three times and the last one was the most significant and dangerous because I almost died I was 15 minutes away from death. They had to pump my stomach and I was in ICU for a day and a half and I have no recollection of any of it and woke up to my primary care physician telling me that those two people standing outside who were my parents wouldn't be able to handle any more of this behavior for me and I needed to do something about it. I wasn't much for therapy back then so I didn't follow up but I did go back to school at 24 for psychology to find out why I was so messed up and I did learn a lot. I have a lot of childhood trauma which contributes to my depressive symptoms and a lot of self-esteem issues and self-loathing problems because of the childhood trauma at the hands of my parents. That being said what is a little bit of your backstory so I might be able to help you a bit better here. Please write back and tell me how you are doing. Wishing you peace and well-being.
Up until March of this year I was working with a healthcare service. They were supposed to provide a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a peer support specialist and a case manager. It took months to get the psychologist and psychiatrist. I was only allowed into the program because I had attempted. Even with their help it took several months to get a psychiatrist and a psychologist. But for the entire time I worked with them they cancelled appointments last minute and were generally not going to work for me. My psychiatrist had a lot of red flags and his plans were really unclear. The meds had a lot of negative physical side effects which contributed to everything getting hundreds of times worse and I had a breakdown in his office in which I simply stopped talking altogether until they called an ambulance. I was hospitalized again in February and started seeing my therapist every week. I was super honest with her about how I was feeling and she would end sessions without any kind of solution or support. She'd only ask if I had a plan to harm myself (I said no), then she ended the session. So I fired all of them and stopped working with them. Since then, I've been trying to find a new psychiatrist since medication is really important for me to get my head above water and a therapist can't really do much to get me to a safe place. But I'm still having next to no luck. I get out of bed every morning and I walk around upset almost all of the time. I try to distract myself with videos and random stuff but it doesn't work. I'm only still alive because I don't have a viable way to end things. At this point I don't want to get better or seek help anymore. It's beyond frustrating and I have absolutely no reason to be here. No friends, no family and nothing that I care about or vice versa.
I'm glad you fired them all a bunch of uncaring bastards if you ask me. Providing absolutely no feedback for you... one of the main reasons that we go to counselors is for them to give their input when we tell them what we've been through and for somebody to just sit there and say nothing is ludicrous. Believe me I know that you're frustrated and you don't want to seek help anymore but don't give up yet there are caring and loving individuals out there that are One in a Million for us. I came across my psychotherapist in 2023 Dr Michael Nover and he was so caring and compassionate and when I journaled letters to both of my parents because that's the root cause of my childhood trauma was that my mother verbally emotionally and psychologically abused me when I was a teenager which gave me self esteem and self loathing issues. When I was younger my father physically beat me with a belt and when he was supposed to protect me against my mother's Wrath he went to bed instead and left me to deal with my mother's insults all on my own he was supposed to be my protector and he failed at that miserably. Surprisingly enough my father's letter was longer than my mother's because of that but getting back to my point with Dr Michael Nover I felt so comfortable with him that I read him both letters any complimented me on how far I've come and my own healing process that I could be that open and honest when journaling. He was so soft spoken and empathetic I wish that I could still see him even though he was $250 of visit over the internet but he doesn't practice here in Pennsylvania which is a shame cuz I would go and see him maybe once a month now because it's so expensive but he was that one in a million for me. He also diagnosed me with my PTSD and adjustment disorder due to my childhood experiences and I never realized that I suffered with those two ailments either and he took his time when doing the assessment with me at our first meeting and did those personality tests and all of those other tests that they have to do to figure out where we're at and what we're dealing with so I was very blessed to have him and I'm sad that I don't have him any longer. It's been a struggle finding anybody in Pennsylvania myself to talk to that's why I come on here and spend so much time writing back and forth with different people cuz it makes me feel like I'm not alone and what I'm dealing with which is very therapeutic as well. If you've never heard this before I want to tell you with all my heart that the reason why you're here is because you are important, you are enough and you are worthy and you are a child of God which is fearfully and wonderfully made and He makes no mistakes please always remember that when you're questioning that. Depression takes everything from us including our will to live which is such a travesty and a cruel and debilitating disease just know that you're not alone and if you ever need me I will be here to help you in any way I can I hope that something I said here resonates with you and makes you believe that there is a reason to go on in life even though it's just over text just hearing somebody's words of kindness has done a lot for me in those days that I'm saddened beyond words. I hope that I've done this for you today. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how you're doing as I care very much I would like to talk to you further whenever you're up to it okay. I'm wishing you peace and well-being in your own Journey. ❤️
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When you think you can't take it anymore ...
When does it get better? :(
Doing a little better
It gets better, trust me!
