help doesn't feel available

[CroutonBehavior]

I've been depressed since I was 9 years old and my entire life I've been trying to seek help. My parents dismissed me and very few teachers took me seriously. I had a few counselors in my youth but nothing stuck and my mental illness got more severe. At 13, I was unable to leave the house and care for myself but no one stepped in. I dropped out of school, never learned to drive and have never been able to get a job.

At 18, I finally started taking steps to try and help myself despite being afraid. I went to an urgent care for behavioral health and was unable to find follow-up care. My mental state worsened 3 months later and I voluntarily admitted myself to a hospital. After that, I was able to work with a group of professionals for roughly a year. The entire time it was rocky. Appointments kept getting canceled last minute, each medication I was put on made me physically ill until one of them landed me in the hospital (due to intrusive thoughts). I stuck with it though, kept seeing my therapist and was very honest but CBT wasn't working. I finally fired her after a month and a half of crying after every appointment. Not because we were discussing sensitive topics, but because I was feeling unheard and misunderstood.

Since then, I've been looking for a psychiatrist. I got a list from my insurance company and called every single one that was applicable. Most of them aren't taking new clients at all and the rest have waitlists that are at least 8 months long. I emailed my primary care physician for a referral, she warned me that they're completely booked but I called anyway and they said the waitlist is 8-12 months long. My PCP said she'll write an out-of-network referral if I can find one available so I've been looking but still, no help.

I live with my mom, she's helping make the calls but she's not a comforting person. I'm not close to any family members, I have absolutely no friends, I can't leave the house, people online are always so vapid and so I spend a lot of my time in my room trying to cope on my own. Things keep getting worse no matter what I try to do to cope. It's gotten hard to do basic things and take care of myself. I have aches and pains that I can't explain, I'm mentally slower than I've ever been in my life. I've always done what I'm supposed to do and still, no help. I went through a phase of calling 988 and other hotlines (names of which I can't remember) multiple times a week. It never helped and they're understaffed and overworked so I try to have compassion. But there's nowhere else for me to turn.

With the severity of my issues (12+ years of SI, depression, and anxiety), suspected bipolar disorder (according to my past psychiatrist), and a family history of bipolar disorder. My PCP isn't comfortable treating my psychiatric issues although I will ask her for help again when I see her in June. It's understandable, if I were a doctor I wouldn't feel comfortable treating me either.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. You have tried and continue to try so hard to get help. I hope your PCP will treat you until you are able to get in with a psychiatrist. I am glad you have joined us. Hopefully connecting here and talking with people who understand will be of some help to you until you are able to find professional help. I care.

[Downinil]

Hi CroutonBehavior! I read your post and need someone to chat with too.

[Noodlecatpiano]

Hi. You sound a lot like I feel sometimes. I got into therapy too. I have lots of similar experiences. I did learn to try to find something possibly fantastic about things feels much better. For example, maybe waiting for the doctor is actually saving your life somehow but you don’t know it, or something much nicer. That kind of stuff helps me. Also, go outside a lot and try to do something for 10 minutes indoors a day at least. Whatever personal goal. I did have some great therapists and some pretty surprising ones who I don’t want to talk about because I haven’t gotten past some stuff that I believe were a result of seeing them in combination with my personality and how I was raised. I have a hard time finding peace with it myself. Maybe I’m not supposed to right now. I digress. I have stopped calling those places (hotlines) and I don’t even know why I am writing this. I just can relate to you and I don’t think you are crazy. Please have hope. The doctors and therapists are people. My point is, you are a person and you matter AND are in the best position to help yourself of anyone. So I’d like to encourage you to eat healthy because sometimes nutrient deficiency can cause pains as well as toxicity and only you can figure that out. I was reading about a diet that Tom Brady the football player was on that seeems like it would be good to help rule out any nutritional problems. Also, they’re hard to detect from the outside looking in. That’s why I say that. And if you feel better, that would be great! And you should keep trying. Definitely schedule something and ask to be put on a cancellation list. Also, I had a doctor tell me I could never get better but she turned out to be an idiot. So, we are all doing our best and I just wanted to reply to you because I can tell you are trying so hard. I also relate to feeling frustrated from past things. Just remember, you are here and that’s something. And I’m glad that I am not alone. Thanks. One more thing. I think you can get better, legally and also realistically so best of luck on that. I also like shadow work. I don’t know. Support groups. Anything that helps you. I haven’t called the hotlines in awhile and my current therapist doesn’t think I’m crazy. She told me that. I don’t know what to tell you because you have to somehow figure it out. I would also suggest taking notes on your health and feelings maybe somewhere to see if anything helps (or just to keep yourself company)and feel free deleting it too. Art. I think Buddhism and Christianity talk about suffering to find enlightenment. Perhaps you are on a journey metaphorically? For some reason I thought like to try and find what you love to do and start going in that direction if that makes sense until you find it. Life is not entirely boring it sounds like?? That's something maybe?