I've been depressed since I was 9 years old and my entire life I've been trying to seek help. My parents dismissed me and very few teachers took me seriously. I had a few counselors in my youth but nothing stuck and my mental illness got more severe. At 13, I was unable to leave the house and care for myself but no one stepped in. I dropped out of school, never learned to drive and have never been able to get a job.
At 18, I finally started taking steps to try and help myself despite being afraid. I went to an urgent care for behavioral health and was unable to find follow-up care. My mental state worsened 3 months later and I voluntarily admitted myself to a hospital. After that, I was able to work with a group of professionals for roughly a year. The entire time it was rocky. Appointments kept getting canceled last minute, each medication I was put on made me physically ill until one of them landed me in the hospital (due to intrusive thoughts). I stuck with it though, kept seeing my therapist and was very honest but CBT wasn't working. I finally fired her after a month and a half of crying after every appointment. Not because we were discussing sensitive topics, but because I was feeling unheard and misunderstood.
Since then, I've been looking for a psychiatrist. I got a list from my insurance company and called every single one that was applicable. Most of them aren't taking new clients at all and the rest have waitlists that are at least 8 months long. I emailed my primary care physician for a referral, she warned me that they're completely booked but I called anyway and they said the waitlist is 8-12 months long. My PCP said she'll write an out-of-network referral if I can find one available so I've been looking but still, no help.
I live with my mom, she's helping make the calls but she's not a comforting person. I'm not close to any family members, I have absolutely no friends, I can't leave the house, people online are always so vapid and so I spend a lot of my time in my room trying to cope on my own. Things keep getting worse no matter what I try to do to cope. It's gotten hard to do basic things and take care of myself. I have aches and pains that I can't explain, I'm mentally slower than I've ever been in my life. I've always done what I'm supposed to do and still, no help. I went through a phase of calling 988 and other hotlines (names of which I can't remember) multiple times a week. It never helped and they're understaffed and overworked so I try to have compassion. But there's nowhere else for me to turn.
With the severity of my issues (12+ years of SI, depression, and anxiety), suspected bipolar disorder (according to my past psychiatrist), and a family history of bipolar disorder. My PCP isn't comfortable treating my psychiatric issues although I will ask her for help again when I see her in June. It's understandable, if I were a doctor I wouldn't feel comfortable treating me either.
Desperately need advice
anticipatory anxiety
I just feel so sad and sentimental, breaks my heart. Sorry for lots of posts, just im breaking 
Antidepressant Withdrawal Help 
