My life and all the responsibilities that go with it has crippled me mentally & physically.

[secrets22]

The past few months have plunged me into such a black hole and i struggle to dig myself out of the pit i am in.

I have no relatives that i'm in touch with and basically all alone, save for one very trusted friend and the amount of shate i have to deal with would crumble most people, and I've reached a stage where the responsibility has become far to much to cope with.

My partner died just over 4 years ago and its only now i see the tip of the iceberg to overcome. David was a hoarder of mega proportions and its left me reeling so much so i thought i was losing my sanity, in fact recently i have had no wish to live. The runs to the local tip is of mammoth proportions , filling the car up to the gunnels day after day has just about floored me, and still so much to do. In the last 4 years i've had not a single day out and i'm totally shattered.

Today i have decided to market 2 adjoining houses I own, which are let into apartments, and i know the property market is quite dire now, but i cannot face another year living as i do, so i will have to accept my losses and just do it.

My mind is in turmoil, and any things i do, i get wrong, and driving now leaves me shattered, i loath it. I have to acknowledge i can no longer cope and if i have to accept a lower income sobeit, there comes a time i must let go of all the things i've become accustomed to and lead a less stressful life.

The amount of times recently when i felt i wish didn't wake up are to numerous to mention.

I should say i do have a lot of friends, but i say that guardedly, as in reality most are mere acquaintances or fairweather friends.

I was always known as a joker, entertained a lot and fun company, but all that has now changed and i no longer have that zest for life.

[secrets22]

Yes i always do pray rather a lot and hopefully those prayers will be answered. Yes its odd how everything changes over time. Thankyou.

[sunshinefan]

Praying helps me some. That is all so hard to deal with. Sending hugs. I know some of how you feel. My job was so toxic. I am currently out of it but haven't fully resigned because we can't live on one income. But I can't go back to my job. It is too toxic and causes me to end up in the hospital. So I hope you can find relief soon. Can you listen to music, take a minute to breathe, find something to do for you, even if it is only two minutes. Just something for a short break. Big Hugs.

[secrets22 in reply to sunshinefan]

thankyou so much , i do like to read autobiographies and i enjoy writing when i have the time.

[secrets22]

Thanks Mandy for your encouraging words, and a big hug coming your way from me xx

[tommy2toes]

Hi There:

Don’t know where you are, but last year I had to sell a bomb site of a flat from a distance of roughly 7 international timezones. To cut a long story short, I employed a lawyer to do all the running. They first gave me a list of possessions found on the property, and asked if I wanted anything to be kept. I decided against that, and they then brought in the house clearing company. What they basically did was sell off anything of value on my behalf, and ditched everything else. They then basically gutted the place (it truly was a bomb site), and the property was marketed (definitely not in a sellers market). Even then, it took some time to sell, but I ended up with money that I had never imagined getting previously. Of course, there was some stress waiting for the damn thing to go, but I didn’t have to physically do it all myself.

Perhaps you might think along similar lines. Just gather what you want to keep, and then outsource the task of clearing the properties Of course, it will cost money, but somebody else will worry about things rather than you.

Best of luck.

t2t (tommy2toes).

[secrets22]

A villa in the sun sounds wonderful.....we can but dream.x

[Audiomarc1]

Hi Secrets22. I can seriously relate to your issues with life in general. I don't know if I mentioned this to you but my physical status has deteriorated so quickly in the last year that I'm too overwhelmed and on most days I want to just die in my sleep. I wouldn't commit suicide because that is the most selfish thing you can do to your family. But I think about not being here anymore on most days. I'm not alone like you and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I am on medication for depression and anxiety but my feelings are so strong that they don't do much anymore. It's torture going through your life and my life on a daily basis. I just hope that you and I can find some solace in our lives. Well I've gone on enough but I do wish you the best that life can offer. Take care and I look forward to our next discussion.❤️🙏👍🖐️🙄

[secrets22 in reply to Audiomarc1]

Thankyou Audiomarc....i think we are on the same page with our thinking as i frequently wish i wasn't here, but like you i couldn't kill myself, but i beat myself up daily with black thoughts and the anti-depressants' do little to dampen those thoughts, the only thing Mirtazapine does do, it helps me sleep better. Thinking of you sincerely, its a tough old world for us sensitive souls.

[Audiomarc1 in reply to secrets22]

Hi Roddy. I use Mirtazapine for sleep as well. It's seems to help. I can't use Melatonin because it causes me to be drowsy for half the next day. I agree with your thoughts on antidepressants. I've been taking these little pills for so long now I think my body has become so used to them that I don't know if they even work anymore. You know staying so low every day just keeps wearing me down to the point where I can't climb out of the deep hole I live in. Speaking of sensitive old souls, I've always been overly sensitive about others despair and don't take care of my own despair. I've been getting quite a bit of texts about animal cruelty and since I'm a serious animal advocate it's really adding to my despair. I donate money, foster cats and dogs, volunteer at animal shelters and work on fundraising efforts for the shelters. But the more I read these horrific texts the more this adds to my anxiety and sadness which causes my depression to go through the roof. Have you ever had these texts sent to you and had it take it's toll on your mental health. Well I'm rambling on now and I'll give you a break from this text. But I pray for some relief from our mutual and never ending sorrow and despair. I keep hoping for some relief for both of us ASAP. In the meantime, all my best in your search for any peace in your life. Talk soon. Marc.

[secrets22 in reply to Audiomarc1]

Hello my friend Marc, yes all these texts regarding animal cruelty affects me so much, and i feel so helpless, and if i could i would have a rescue centre, although on second thoughts it would break me when one of them dies, i am far too sensitive for this harsh world. I have two llittle dogs and they are my raison d'etre and now they are both quite elderly. I dread the day that they leave me for they keep me going and makes my life more bearable. Gosh depression has much to answer for. Take care, Roddy.