I can't take it, I'm feeling suicidal

[Rafael_]

Yesterday I went to a thrift store on my own for the first time, and I accidentally spilled some of the shelves while my dad was calling. And I couldn't pick up the shelves because my dad was rushing me to go home, and left the man in the store to pick that mess. Today I went back and tried to offer help, but I'm now banned from going there. Why do I bother. Why do I keep bothering to live with an alcoholic drunkard stain of a parent that keeps invading my life. I can't drive anywhere on my own outside of this city, I can't talk with anyone, I can't be seen with anyone, I can't wear anything that isn't seen, I have to save everything in case I happen to be lucky and can leave my house. I can't take it. I'm not made of iron and stone. I'm just a 13 year old put in an adult situation for the past 6 years. I don't see any reason. I'm not lingering. I'm nobody. Nobody will blink at seeing me like this. Nobody.

[Craigliving4Jane]

Rafael. Although I don’t know you. I care deeply, and I love you. The people on this site who go through all kinds of different issues, some like yours some not. We care deeply. It may not feel like it at times, but your life is valuable. Very valuable!

Is there anything you can do to remove yourself from the negative controls that you’re having over your life ,such as your father?

[Rafael_ in reply to Craigliving4Jane]

Yes, he's an intensive alcoholic user.

[Dolphin14]

Going back to see if you could help with the shelves shows what a caring person you are.

You are only 13 Rafael_ who else do you have for family that you can reach out to right now?

Are you in the USA? If so please call the hotline 988

🐬

[Rafael_ in reply to Dolphin14]

I did go back to try and pick up everything, but the owner yelled at me as soon as I got there. He banned me from the store permanently.

Well, it was more of a saying. I'm actually 19 years old, mentally I am a child. I have been stuck to the household since that age, and I never got a room or name to myself. I have since that age been a victim to family abuse, and waited that much time to move out of this place. I have not had any relationships with anybody since that age. I have not talked to many since that age. I only use resources like social media and this site to speak with someone. I have graduated high school and I am on my second year of college. It's like if I was born into a military camp. I never got a single human person enter my life during this time. I wish I'd ended it when the idea first came across. I'm clearly someone that's been kept around to keep someone watching the place. I don't have any value to myself. I was supposed to die at an early age and never see the rest of my life.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Rafael_]

I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking

The owner banned you but you did the right thing by going back. What he decided to do was his choice but please recognize you tried to assist

You are in your second year of college that's great. You know you will have a future of your own.

I'm not sure what advice to give on getting away from the abuse. Please know your life is worth living.

We are here for you

[Marysblue]

You are a good person, don't let anybody tell you differently.Accidents like that happen all the time in stores but it's very rare that people even worry about cleaning it up.

Soon enough you'll be out on your own and you'll have your own choices to make.

[Rafael_ in reply to Marysblue]

There's time and place, but my parents don't seem to care. I belong to them. I'm being monitored as I'm writing this. Why should pretend to be strong when I can't stand up to them and let my life slip through their fingers. When I come out of this place, the abuse will only be abuse, I won't have learned anything from it besides continuing to recover to remember it like I already have. This much of suffering is just suffering, it's not an experience I have to look back to even in my future work life.

[Vonus5591]

The thing is keeping reaching out to people for help and use crisis line as that will help you

[CLB1125]

welcome to the group. I was married to an alcoholic so I can somewhat relate. Can I ask why you are being monitored? Isn’t there anyone that could help you with your father? In the usa we have a group called al-anon, it’s a support group for family members of an alcoholic. Maybe you could check them out online. They may be able to help you.

[Rafael_ in reply to CLB1125]

I'm being monitored in case of emergencies, but I'm an adult at this point. I can't be seen doing calls without them asking who it was. I can't drive out of my town, my house, or can't be seen driving with someone in the car without getting them confisticated. I'm asked what I buy because my parents are paranoid of drugs, despite not having contact with anyone related to them besides my own father who lives here. I found one of their offices in my area, I'll try to call them this week, thank you.

[CLB1125]

you’re welcome.I wish you luck.