Day 6 on the Meds

[SilentScream]

Sleeping pills at night ... Anti-depressants in the morning. My brain is not functioning like I am used to. I laugh, but feel no joy. I cried, but felt no sorrow. It's like I have been zombified. All I want to do is sleep. I am at work today but have no motivation or drive to do anything. My head constantly spinning like I have had a few beers. I felt that I had to tell my 9 and 7 year old what I am going through, and their constant hugs and "are you OK, dad?" are warming and welcoming.

Today ... I just wish I were somewhere else. Not work, not home ... just ... alone with my PC and having a headset on and playing Fortnite. I like that because I forget I have worries and issues. I forget the world aound me for a while. I know I can't always use this as an escape, but at least there I am carefree and can just do what I want. My wife is the only person I tell what I am feeling like, but only physically like my headspins and being unsure of the meds. She urges me to not stop and will always be there when I call and need her. I really appreciate that, but that is what I should be doing for my family. I need to be the strong one again.

People have been telling me about books to read, but I can read a page and will be asleep. Even writing this, I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Lately, I have been listening to Linkin Park, Audioslave and Nicky Sixx's "The Heroin Diaries". Nicky Sixx especially as his album is about overcoming his heroin addiction. I have replaced that with overcoming depression as it is remarkably similar.

Thank you to sll who have given me insight and support on my first post. I hope that one day I can help others with their journeys in life.

[Agora1]

SilentScream, i remember the feeling of being zombified. Drugs can help us escape

but to a point of sleeping our lives away. You are blessed my friend in having children

that love you and a wife that supports you.

May I suggest something that has helped me? While in bed, have you tried listening

to Affirmations and Meditations as you drift into sleep? It's a way for the subconscious

mind to grasp all it is hearing even while asleep. In time and with practice your thoughts

will change to a more positive approach in life. With therapy along with the medication,

you may become more open and ready for changes that can help you live again.

Nothing is an overnight success but with time and patience and practice, you can learn

to see the light again. I'm happy to have you here with us. xx

[SilentScream in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. It's 11:35 here now and I feel like I have no energy or will for the day. It is nice for me to come online and just share thoughts. I started on a better foot this morning, but now have sunken into a slump again. It's a typical day for me right now. By the time I get home I just want to sleep. My kids are a blessing and I try show strength for them, but it is hard when I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I will try what you suggested and let you know. Once again, thank you for your reply.

[Shysteve]

Hi silent scream and welcome to this amazing web site ,there are some amazing people here that will listen/advise whichever you need,I myself am in a very similar situation all be it that it's cost me my job ,it's been a long long journey for me to admit that there is a problem and have had some great support from these amazing people on this site,so please don't think your alone in this darkest of times,at this present point iñtime I can only offer you a simpathetic ear and not a "fix",best wishes Steve( if you need to rant or offload please feel free to message)

[SilentScream in reply to Shysteve]

Thank you. I am glad that I joined up here. The peopke that have connected and answered my ramblings have all given some insight that I could use and try better myself. Every message is appreciated and I like to respond to all that have messaged me.

[LongestBlue]

Hello SS! You are correct, as you will be able to help others with your journey too, so thank- you for posting. I have found much wisdom here with supportive people who have walked this journey. I also remember the land of numbness and it seemed a lengthy time for the medications and brain to work together to finally get to a place of feeling better. I like to think of that as the rewiring process and so with that it made sense it takes some time. Be kind to yourself, keep reaching out here, and know it will get better! Lap up the love from your family, it also helps in the rewiring process. So much of the healing happens behind the scenes, we can’t always see it taking place. Keep going. 🦋

[CalmSeeker1]

Hello SilentScream - I understand your struggle. Dealing with the side effects of medications while waiting for them to actually work and help you feel better is awful. I'm on the medication roller coaster ride right now and am just waking up from from medication changes. I still have some intermittent drowsiness, but it is better than the lethargy and sleepiness I was battling all day long. I'm fortunate to work from home so no one saw how much I was struggling. The guilt I experience as a mom and wife going through this is sometimes too much to bear. I'm working full time and during the week that is about all I can do besides listen to my son and occasionally smile.

I'm so glad your family is supportive. I'm in an online support group and someone shared that in their darkest times they just focus on doing the next right thing. That resonated with me and I find it very helpful. Sometimes the next right thing is brushing my teeth, other times it is telling my husband how awful I feel. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it is slowly getting better. All the best to you.