Hi guys. I'm new here. A nice lady on a warm line suggested I try this. I'm 40/F, married with a toddler daughter. I have weekly therapy, but can't get in touch with my therapist between sessions.
I have a history of work trauma and have gotten to the point where everytime my boss blames her failure on me/talks to me sharply it triggers this whole cascade of fear and anger. And as much as I try to manage it, my work output suffers. I can't just quit, though I'm looking for another job.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has advice on how to handle all the stress. I've been crying a lot. Also, if anyone has similar stories/has dealt with this in the past, I'd love to hear. I guess I just want to not feel alone.
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Chocoholic80
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Have you been working on this issue in therapy? Have you received any guidance as to how to go about dealing with this?
I'm a big fan of documentation. Write it all out in an email. Keep track of everything. Do you have a human resource department where you can go and speak off the record?
Thank you Dolphin! Totally working on this in therapy. After years of dealing with family abuse and abandonment issues, I finally got to the point where I could deal with this just about full-time in therapy. We're really just at the start though. I'm seeing some rays of light, but mostly just more understanding what my triggers are, but still having a lot of trouble managing them. The helpline mentioned this and you guys have already been so great. Just knowing caring people are out there means so much!
I don't generally trust Human Resources. I've found them to be very much there to protect management. I wish I could just tell them "Hey, my boss doesn't know what she's doing, let's her perfectionism push projects to the last minute and then blames me for mistakes made while helping her to do a project she dumped on me last minute." But I've never had good experiences with that.
I'm totally starting to document sh*t though. She sent me an email saying how "disappointed she was" again and my sister (who is really good with this shit and has been through it all) wrote me a template to respond to her without any emotion or defense. She didn't respond and frankly I don't care if she does. It just needed to be documented. But what good does documentation do when she can fire for me any reason at all? I'm just not sure I understand how it will help me beyond making me realize just how crazy she is.
If you are victim of further unfair criticism send a copy of your reply to HR. If she knows the spotlight is on her she may back off. My last boss before I was medically retired was an A…hole. He was a stereotypical little man who liked to humiliate staff where there was an audience and anyone with health issues was seen as ineffective. I called his bluff and was given medical retirement and he was reprimanded and moved on.
What a horrible man! I'm glad you got out of there.
I've actually gotten a membership to JustAnswers.com and I'm asking their lawyers all sorts of questions about how to go about this. And I have a 4PM meeting with a lawyer's office for an intake.
She didn't show up. But she did make me come to a last minute meeting where she was clearly giving the brand work I've been doing since I got there to her friend's agency that she just hired, and purposefully left me out of a team meeting discussing it. I sent an email detailing what I needed to discuss in the meeting and reiterated that I needed to talk with her to proceed with any work. I will write another one tomorrow and the next day. I am also going to talk with my therapist about getting a letter confirming my PTSD and depression so I can get the "accommodation" of her not being a sneaky bitch. Also talked to a law firm for possible disability discrimination and will tak to another one about worker's comp.
Are you looking to get on disability? If so you need a good amount of medical documentation. You need to show what specifically is impacting your ability to work and what you are doing for therapy etc.
You need to remain calm at work. She may be documenting your behavior and submitting it to HR.
My daughter generally naps on my lap and I do use that time to watch a show or movie that makes me feel centered. Today I was really upset so I called a helpline, which led me here to you kind people. I will keep trying to find some peace and take time for myself. My husband works far away and often gets home late, but he's very supportive and tries to help me find some space for myself. Even stayed home from work yesterday to support me.
Bless you Agora! Everytime I see your name I think of angora and think of a warm, white fluffy sweater. Heehee. Hope you're having a good day and I'm happy to be here. Hopeful I can help here in the future.
hi and welcome to a lovely supportive community, who really will guide you and give you the tools to become stronger. Tbh in some ways I have found them better than some of my therapists!
In relation to your work, I totally understand where you are coming from, been there , got the t shirt and the rest, HR are their for management ( sad really) so it does feel a lonely world, which doesn’t help, your doing great , documenting everything, times, dates, word for word, evidencing everything, you will probably have to rely on external support if you want to go down the route of pay out etc, but tbh they have everything covered because they lie , that’s how I feel , I am a very honest person’s I couldn’t lie so i left , it damaged my confidence , my self esteem and everything about me, it was this group and messages I read that saved me! I wish you all the best , your beautiful child needs you, meditation, journaling, yoga, walking , deep breathing and talking about how you feel to people on this group who may not physically be able to help but will always be honest and will listen , that’s all we ask for . I wish you all the best 😊
Awe car67, thanks so much for listening and lending your advice. It means so much to me. I've had so much work trauma, and she's making it worse. I've told her that and she's making it worse. I'm actually going to talk to someone about it today to see if there's anything I can do. It probably won't amount to anything, but just trying makes me feel a sense of control.
I have my 1:1 with my boss in a couple hours and my stomach is in knots. For the first time in my life, the stress is making me eat less instead of more. I mean, I guess that's great for my diet, but it's new and it's scaring me. My therapist gave me the idea to act like there's a wall of Jello between me and what she's saying and to allow things to diffuse through it so I can look at them individually and say "Is this true?" and "It this about me?" It's helping. She also mentioned being more like Data, and I love Star Trek, so it helps lol.
Since my boss is not answering any of my emails except to give me a shit sandwich, I'm going to apply for some more jobs while I wait. Thanks so much and I'm loving getting involved here. It helps me to be there for others too!
Are you in a job which has a union ? When I was going through a bad time with my boss , they were very supportive. I won't go into details as it's all in the past now and I don't want to trigger the bad experiences .
You are right to document everything you can, including the lack of response. Keep everything- including e mails .I did.
I was also advised never to go into a meeting with him alone, but always take someone with me as a witness.
Oh MadBunny, what I wouldn't give for a union! I'm going to forward myself a number of emails from my work email to my personal email. Not sure how documenting will help me, but I'm doing it anyway. Talking to a lawyer's office for an intake in a couple hours. A lawyer I talked to for advice said I may have case for both worker's comp and disability discrimination. I already told her I had trauma and the way she was speaking to me was further traumatizing me.
It's a good idea to never go into a meeting alone. I work alone from home with a toddler. Babysitter comes a few days a week for four hours. I may have to tell her I'll pay her more to be in the room for my next meeting with this horrible person.
Thanks so much for your reply, and I'm glad you knew not to say anything to trigger your own trauma. Thank you so much for sharing. Hope you have a good day. <3
Documenting is essential so you have proof of her unpleasantness. Also, if she says anything you're unhappy with, ask her to put it in writing . It's a lot of work , I know but could be essential.
Thanks MadBunny and Dolphin14! The lawyer I spoke to yesterday on Askalawyer said that just me telling her I had trauma and she was making it worse was enough, but I sort of doubt that.
Now this braindead idiot has scheduled a meeting for the project she's edging me out of and it's right over my lawyer meeting. I could scream. I need to ask the lawyer if I should put in writing that I have PTSD and the way she is treating me is making it worse. I'm thinking I should.
Whatever is said verbally it is absolutely vital that you get it in writing. It's so easy to deny something was said verbally. Also - you need to make sure you document what you have said and that someone else like HR has a copy. Even if you don't think they are of much help, please involve them, in case, further down the line , you are asked if you involved them.
If in doubt- always put things in writing. Believe me, it's worth it.
I lost my job yesterday. I also had my case for disability discrimination case accepted by a law firm. That said, I think I'm just going to have to take the 4 weeks severance and not do the case because we need money like right now. It's so gross and I hate that they can control me with a four week severance pay off. But who knows how long a case will take?
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xx
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