Confused about my depression and my relationship

[NEC_xx]

I feel like I have si much going on right now. My emotions are different every day right now. I wrote here less than a week ago about feeling low and anxious and the fact that my partner doesnt understand me at all. He said he doesnt think anti depressants work and are a load of rubbish when I mentioned going back on them.

The past few days I have felt so much worse. I mentioned in my previous responses that he does help but I do more always. I feel like now he helps more than he ever has in the past but its not enough. He basically does shifts here and there delivering parcels. Its not enough money ever to cover christmas/birthdays etc.. I always need to be the one with the money and he always leaves it too late to work more hours to have enough money on time. So he always owes me it after. I have said to him time and time again what happens if I dont be responsible and put money away? What if I didnt have enough either? Hes been saying for months hes going to start doing taxis but he keeps putting it off and asking me to fill out the form with him. Ive told him hes not a baby i have enough to do and he should be able to do it. So he doesnt. Its excuse after excuse. 3 nights ago he told me at 11pm he had taken a shift for the next morning at 8am. I was pissed off so said “so I need to now wake all the kids up earlier to do 3 different runs to nursery, primary and secondary school because you wont get off your arse and fill out the form to get a decent job that will suit us all better as a family? He trains our kids football team voluntary every night of the week (mon to fri) for at least 3 hours, sometimes 4. So thats unpaid. He goes to his own football team to play football twice a week which takes up abt 2.5 hours. Our kids are different ages so one of them have a game every saturday morn and one has a game every sunday morn.. this takes about 3 hours every weekend morning. All of this time I am left to deal with our 3 year old on my own. As soon as hes in the door from football training or a game hes right on the phone to the other coaches to discuss it for hours. Its really wearing me out i am so so fed up with it. I feel his priorities are so wrong. His excuse is that our kids will be football players because of his hard work. Which i appreciate but it makes me question is it me being selfish and self centred or him? We struggle with money and he couldnt give a shit because i always come to the rescue with having money put aside. Our tumble dryer broke before christmas and he hasnt done one washing or hung any up to dry. Our house is just a mess. He will do dishes and pick toys up etc.. then sit down and have coffee.. we have 3 floors in our house so the work is never done like and he spends half an hour doing something then sits down. He hardly spends any time with our 3 year old. The only reason he spends more time with the older kids now is because he has them at training every day. And he loves it so really its for him as well. When they were little i basically did it on my own as well. Hes always had selfish traits. I remember crying a lot when they were babies through exhaustion of doing night feeds etc.. I have been with him for 15 years now. Our oldest is 13. We have fallen out over the years and my mental health has always been a bit up and down. I question weather its me being a bit nuts or if its the way he is that drives me nuts and if our relationship is whats making me so stressed and worn out? I feel unsupported, exhausted, drained.. i think im just totally burnt out. When it comes to things like painting, wallpapering, cutting the grass, fixing the kids bikes, filling up paddling pools with hoses, putting the bins out - its all me. I do it all. Unless i nag him to do it. Then he moans that all I do is nag. Is it me? Im doubting myself. . He also snores every night and is just so bloody loud and inconsiderate when he wakes up before me.. banging about, singing, whistling.. his alarm will go off at half 6am then he will lie and snore until 8 and i lie awake from half 6. I moan and he says its not a big deal? I just feel like all of these things are slowly driving me insane and im at the point where i feel like im about to have a mental breakdown right now. I hadnt been putting my depression down to this but the more I sit and go round in my head wondering why I keep going back to feeling this way I feel like it could be this relationship. The other night when he said about the shift he had taken on I told him to f*ck off and sleep on the couch as i had had enough. I lay and cried that night. The next morning he was trying to talk to me and I just couldnt look at him or act normal. After the kids went to school i told him i wasnt happy and brought up everything ive mentioned, i was crying though. I told him i dont see the point in the relationship etc.. he said he was sorry etc and if i didnt want him here he would leave but I am asking myself what if its me? Is it me because at times he makes me feel like it could be? Like im a drama queen? I feel like ive put up with it all for too long and now even the sound of him chewing makes me moan. He just thinks im this horrible person who wants to pull him up for chewing now but its a lot deeper than that. He said to me im never happy. And i said i know im not but is that my fault or is it yours i dont know? I left and went out for a few hours after i dropped my wee one at nursery. I just feel so confused. I feel like i want him to leave. Hes adding to my depression even if hes not the cause.. but then i dont know if its my depression thats making me feel this way. Whats peoples opinions on all of this? I realise its so so long but im lying here awake had to come to the couch again because of his snoring and ive just lay and cried again. I feel tortured in my own home. I will be drained tomorrow again because if his snoring and I will be told im making a big deal out of something he cant control. I am so tired and fed up.

[jackiesj]

Oh we have SOOOO much in common.....I have looked at a studio place to move into because emotion abuse is a real thing.

Snoring is a REAL issue for many couples and many solutions.Mine is finally a room cleared out to be where i get some sleep. My health issues are so much better.Sleep is an inportant destressor and needed. a sentence stood out... I DO IT ALL....one thing i admitted to myself is how i enable my husband. Out of fear, not being the woman i should be....not admitting YES HE SHOULD LEAVE..but then 100000 reasons i was bad if he did....i have gone to a hotel 3 times in one month...i finally told those i needed to Professionals these things were happening. look up on You tube....carefully....emotional abuse. You were smart to tell him what bothers..but did you set any plan on change...i found if it was written down, signed....and double copies.....emotion aside....deal with reality of symptoms...snoring...what to do for example...what rides he could do to give you a break, house routine for the day? trash etc. ideas.....Then a chart on the fridge.....have patience. Is it not natural to be depressed over these things? i had to ask am i taking meds to put a bandaid on the real issues...ask a Professional again. you are not crazy, you do have rights. chat?

[NEC_xx in reply to jackiesj]

To be honest I’m not even willing to write out charts and put them on the fridge. I feel we have been round in circles with the same fights and arguments for years now. I finally had enough today and told him to leave. It was hard but hes gone and I already feel like a weight has lifted. Im just not looking forward to telling my 2 older kids. But I am sure they will see me happier. Thankyou for your advice. Feel free to message me 😊 xx

[jackiesj in reply to NEC_xx]

You are a brave one....

[Sunrisetabby]

Good morning, NEC_xx. I am sorry. It sounds like you are married to someone who thinks they are a professional athlete who hasn't realized they are not. I hope you were able to get some quality sleep last night and in the futuew. I use ear plugs and a white noise machine and a weighted blanket and sometimes earbud earplugs with white noise and I can often sleep through my spouse's snoring. My spouse however things antidepressants are a magic pill that should solve all my problems, and no they are not. I have no idea, but it sounds to me like your spouse may be a major source of your depression. Not a full solution, but have you tried to encourage your obsessive addicted athlete husband to get his sports fix while making some money, perhaps by officiating or trying to find a paid coaching position? Wishing you some quality and rejunative sleep!