Money, abundance mindset, self-worth

[LoveforAll41]

I think that this applies in this forum because money/resources are a huge source of anxiety.

My wife and I are in the process of trying to get a house. Yes, the market is rough. It comes down to we need more money really, to get a house that is not puny. I think she is thinking 2100 sq ft finished with an unfinished basement so 3150 total or something. I grew up in a 2100 sq ft house that the basement was unfinished in so that would be massive for me. She feels cramped and hopeless in our apartment. She is grateful, and I think that she deserves a "big" house to me.

I think that part of it comes from expectations and maybe you could say entitlement. I grew up with a ton of financial anxiety, which I think my dad had from his childhood which was very rough. My wife's family always had money and they live in a 3400 sq ft house that seems massive. They don't have money anymore but did for most of her life.

I think that somewhere I began to think that money is/was EXTREMELY hard to come by and also not the most important think. I don't think it is the most important but I also think that if I changed my mindset it would be easier to come by. I think for many brought up with money just having a 3000+ sq foot home is something that happens after you get a four year degree and a job because you just have that much money. I haven't completed the four year degree yet, which hopefully will help me with this, but what else has anyone done to have and abundance vs scarcity mindset?

I used to have colleagues doing my same job and could say "I work as hard as them I can get paid the same" but in my new position I am the only so don't have comparison.

There is a book by Jen Sincero you are a badass at making money that I like some, but I still struggle.

I don't think that my wife is entitled in a bad way, it is perhaps just an expectation that she has. Most of her siblings will probably marry someone that will make that kind of money at the time or very soon. I don't think it is bad to want more money but I also have a tough time trying to get more and focusing on it without feeling really really bad about where I am now not making the kind of money to get a home.

We are hoping to build in the spring and her dad is a contractor so I think that we can make it work if she gets a part time job...

Sorry, I am just rambling, but I would appreciate any thoughts.

[Amokaka]

You're not alone. There's something about finances - and houses in particular - that does weird things to a person's psyche.

I bought my first house two years ago. It's a modest townhome, and the perfect amount of space for what we need. But I live in one of the richest parts of the country, and there are so many neighborhoods around here filled with rich people and their beautiful houses. Sometimes I look around at them and think, "I will never have a house like this," and it makes me so sad.

What I will say is: Don't let your feelings of "deserving" trick you into buying (or building) more house than you can comfortably afford. No matter how much you think a house is going to cost, it is going to cost more. Property taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance, repairs...these things are expensive, and so many people find themselves on the road to financial ruin after biting off more house than they can chew. As sad as it makes me to think of all the pretty houses I'll never be able to live in, that's nothing compared to how sad I would be if I lived in a house that drained all my savings and left me one emergency away from being out on the streets.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Amokaka]

True that! Thanks for your reply. I have been having these mindset thoughts since a product manager here at work was talking about his 5200 sq ft house being the "perfect" size. 😱 That seems so incredibly massive to me, I think that for maybe 10 people!