It's not worth the fight

[JAFOman]

Over a year I have tried to be a better person. Not live with anger only to realize the anger is what keep the depression at bay. It's got me no where, no one. I don't get what I want and I'm tired of trying. I'm done. Thanks for listening.

[Hidden]

There is always something else to try. Just hang on in there. We are still here to listen to you.

[JAFOman in reply to Hidden]

The other option is suicide and I'm fighting against that one. Nothing left for personal improvement

[Hidden in reply to JAFOman]

There's always a reason to go on.

[JAFOman in reply to Hidden]

Have a reason. Its just never going to me, to be personal. It's only responsibility. I have accepted that I have no life, no worth. Just here to exist and provide. Disappointing for sure but there is nothing more for me

[Sankissjuice in reply to JAFOman]

To provide is such a blessing. Would you rather be unable to provide?

Existence gives us a chance to experience bliss...slim chance but it's there.

When you have more responsibilities than personal needs, you will be happy.

You will feel better soon. Nature still finds you worthy of oxygen and sunlight, so you are worthy.

[JAFOman in reply to Sankissjuice]

More responsibilities than personal needs? I don't understand what you mean.

[Sankissjuice in reply to JAFOman]

I was taught that if we take on more responsibilities to serve and commit to them, rather than always focussing on what I need (abandon personal desires)...we will be happier. It is true. I had experienced that when I was healthy. Now, while recovering, I do what I can to give. So there's less rumination on my personal unfulfilled desires.

[JAFOman in reply to Sankissjuice]

Sounds like you're working yourself to death lol. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

[Sankissjuice in reply to JAFOman]

Sadly no. I am still unemployed. Can't get my sleep wake cycle normalised. But whenever I am alert and able, I think of how to contribute. Otherwise I would feel totally useless.

[Hidden]

Hi there

Talk of anger, that another demon one has to deal with. We are here for you and I am also trying to manage my anger. It just gives me so much energy I can break a wall, I am trying to stay calm and not let it control me bcz that is when I feel more depressed. I hope we can work together against it.

[JAFOman in reply to Hidden]

Lived most of my life with anger as my fuel. Without it all I've gotten is more vulnerable, emotional and hurt. Being angry does not make me a bad or mean person. It keeps me alive and realistic

[Hidden in reply to JAFOman]

Certain things works for certain people. I am happy anger is working for you. For me, it just fuels me with negetive power that I don't know what to do with. I hit walls and feel like break staff and say bad staff to peopke that I later always regret. I feel bad and weak that I rush to get rid of it. I am happy that it works for someone I never thought it did.

[JAFOman]

I appreciate it. Been trying to be better for over a year and it's gotten me no where. I only have enough strength for 1 fight and right now that's not killing myself

[JAFOman]

I would never suggest this to anyone. I know it's not ideal, it's how I managed to survive for years. I wish I could wait and become better the healthier way but I'm scared ill lose the bigger fight. I am an absolute hypocrite but never give in, you know if it's not right for you. I'm am here for anyone who needs an ear. Helping someone means I can ignore my issues for a little lol

[Sankissjuice in reply to JAFOman]

Absolutely correct. Keep offering to help others

[endofheartache1290]

I get where you are coming from. I spent years just existing out of pure rage and spite. It's not the best way to live. It does get you no where because your goals are not for you they are for others. You live in a world ran by others because you have to prove them wrong or you have to do something in spite of someone or to hurt someone. It's exhausting. The solution to this is to let go of the anger, not an easy task at all. Forgiveness is a powerful too. And mind you it doesn't have to be forgiveness of a person you an also forgive life for being so cruel at times. You are valuable and you are worthy of happiness. The thing is you have to go and get though. It will never be handed to you. And I know it's exhausting. I am in the same boat I am sick of trying. I have been abused literally my entire life. I can't explain how much I don't want to put in effort anymore because it's just simply unfair. And you are allowed to be angry that it is unfair. But the other side of that is no one is coming to make your life better. Only you have that power. And if you don't want to suffer you have to climb out of hell to get there. Which is also unfair. It's the most unfair thing about life that circumstances that you don't control can just destroy you but you have to fix it yourself. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your happiness and I don't mean like the happiness that you get from eating good food or reading a good book. I mean fulfillment. You can get there you just have to put yourself first. Stop living for others and start living for yourself. If a stranger in the street is worthy of some modicum of respect and kindness, then why aren't you? You are worthy of investing in. And you can get those things you want, but that is the key they have to be what you want. Start small, even if it's just getting out of bed in the morning that is a worthy goal. It's the baby steps that are the most meaningful because they are the hardest to take.

[Sankissjuice in reply to endofheartache1290]

I agree 100%

[JAFOman in reply to endofheartache1290]

The difference between knowing and feeling. I know you are right. I feel so strongly that I am not worth anything. The fact that everyone I have loved has left just proves I have no worth. Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive myself, to find a direction that will lead to fulfillment but that's not today. I have no interest in trying right now, just want to rest, without pain

[endofheartache1290 in reply to JAFOman]

I understand that completely. Take things at your pace. this doesn't come easily. I also get wanting things to end right now. I live i the same world as you. I am not saying you are wrong to feel that way I am saying that I understand completely because I feel the same. However, no matter how much we want it to stop it won't until we take actions. that is why I said it's unfair and it's cruel and it's just downright shitty. But it is the truth. I won't say you have to figure out everything right now or even in a few weeks. But eventually we will have to start to make progress in order to get the rest we so desperately desire.

[Sankissjuice]

I am having a bad day so I'm just taking it very easy. And not chastise myself for sleeping in. Had anxiety all morning. Still on my bed now.

[san_ray70 in reply to Sankissjuice]

I do not know where you are, but here it is a beautiful sunny day, even though it is cold. I feel thankful for still being able to be here, even though life is hard at the moment. I want to live a long life as I have been married for 16 years and I am over 70 so I married my second husband in my 50's. While I can not see our family, there is always contact on the phone. Please make the best of what you see around you we all care.🌼🌼

[Sankissjuice in reply to san_ray70]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I managed to salvage my evening and had quite a lovely time. I made a dish, which I hadn't been able to do in a long time. And spent time with family and a friend. Had a short walk outside the house, soaked in some fresh air. Let's hope tomorrow will be a better day.