just releasing my thoughts not expecting answers. Thanks for listening.

[CKrissie]

I have a doctors appointment this morning by way of phone call. I think I’ve hidden my depression for so long that it feels as if I’ve opened a jack in the box. I released all the pain and guilt and anxiety and stress and my vulnerability into the world and now it’s exploded. I can’t put the lid back on the jack in the box. And now I feel to much! I’m trying to hold on to some sort control in my life and create a path forward through all of these messy and intense feelings that I’ve allowed to surface.

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of abuse, physical, sexual mental, the whole gambit. I grew up with two sisters, and a brother, and all of us have a slightly different version of our childhood, but much is extremely similar. I learned from a very young age to love and care about people who are broken. People who are coming into your life that bring pain. People you love anyways and always, because there are so many gray areas in life. I was taught to allow gray areas, murky waters as the same people also loved me and cared about me, this is just how love is. People who love you hurt you and do awful things sometimes to you, but you put up with that because they love you. You understand their pain and hurt and their brokenness because you can relate and so you allow these people into your life because you know them and they are familiar to you.

I’m 59 I’ve had so much counselling in my life group counseling, one on one counseling, sexual abuse counseling. I believe in counseling, so why am I still so messed up at 59 years old? How am I here? How did I allowed us? why am I not OK, I brought my son up to reach for counselling which he does. How did I walk through the last six of the years of my life denying my feelings, hiding it and just holding on day-to-day to get to where I am now why. I don’t expect any of you to answer this out there are these are just thoughts in my head that I’m releasing onto paper Just to release them. Thank you for listening.

[gajh]

I do want to reply to say that I am sorry you are suffering. I hope that sharing here helps you in some way. You are not alone. I hope you don't mind that I replied.

[CKrissie in reply to gajh]

no I thank you for replying! Means a lot and I appreciate it. I only meant that no one has the answers for me. I think we all have them somewhere inside ourselves if only we can be still enough to hear what they are and strong enough to make the change’s necessary. Just trying to find myself. Again Thank you & bless you.

[shopaholic22]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to it because I also have a history of sexual abuse and it was hard growing up. I agree that there are so many grey areas in life. Reading your post shows me that you are a survivor just like me.

[CKrissie in reply to shopaholic22]

Then we already understand each other more than many people. Glad you replied, in someway it feels like a hug!

[ElephantsHear]

One bright positive sticks out: you’re a fighter, you continue to fight, and you’ve passed that fight mentality on to your son. Happy Holidays!

[CKrissie in reply to ElephantsHear]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that

[melbrown]

I can relate so much to your post... I have/still do feel the same. I've learned childhood abuse has many layers & is wired into our brain... we are taught this abuse is normal, to hide it out of fear, love, trust are blurred things, we were babies/ children they were adults/parents, we hide this all to survive. It's tough to unlearn all this, to heal, but it is possible. You are brave to continue the work, I know it's not easy. I'm about to start a healing from trauma, PTSD program... though I know this a part of healing, I'm scared. I'm still going to do it, to tell myself I'm worthy. You are worthy & are heard/seen. You are not alone.

[CKrissie]

Oh you beautiful soul thank you so much your words, they reached right to my heart. I really needed that. Thought hardwired is a pretty good analogy, definitely feels that way, so many layers. Glad you replied, thank you and take care of yourself!

Hope the road ahead, although at times difficult, brings you closer to where you are meant to be in your journey. I Appreciate you! Thanks for sharing your courage and strength with me.