Truth 01

[Japan2015]

I'm going to share something that's difficult, but I've learned over the years to control and emit what I was at that time. I was a victim of sexual abuse from my earliest memories to the age of 12 from male and female first cousins.

For the longest time logically honestly I thought it was normal. And I am not making any excuses for the when I say this. But you know it was the '90s as stupid as that sounds.

Both my mom and dad came from very messed up homes from the mental to the sexual abuse side.

And to this day at almost 41 years old, I praise and put my parents on a pedestal because they did not continue the cycle. Instead, they supported and cared for their children more than I feel an average parent would ever do.

Sharing the truth of the sexual abuse from a male and female. First cousin is hard but not as difficult as it should be because and this is where the breath leaves me. I just thought it was the normal and when It kind of stopped to do various reasons. I say this is where it hurts and hard to say but I need to say it to share it. Did I try to continue the cycle of abuse? Yes I did unfortunately. However, there was always that something whether you call it a conscience or your soul or whatever you want to call it. I never went too far.

I don't know if this is the why I am so jacked up with relationships. I don't know if this is why I prioritize a physical connection to a person versus emotional. I don't know why. If this is because in all my life 41 years come this March, all of my relationships have ended very badly most likely admidly cuz there's always two size to a coin. That I I know I did subconsciously sabotaged my own happiness.

I am not looking for a response. I am not looking for sympathy.

I just want the beginning of the truth. The openness the getting it out of my own head to the world. And the real thing that I know will help me more than anything. Getting out to you people who've been there who has similar experience who have been there.

Yes, I am still jacked up. Yes, I fight a lot of inner personal issues. However, and here is the most part. Is that however. Is that I'm happy on multiple levels. I know I am. I know most likely I.e 100%. My existence fighting for that happiness. How am I highs or at my lows? I'll have my depression moments my anxiety moments. My heart-wrenching feel like the very being I am is being sucked away. Moments over and over again. However, if I've learned anything in my short existence of 40 years, almost 41 years now is yes. Having at least one individual in your existence who understands and gets you can make more of a difference than almost anything in my opinion. However, for me it's been my own inner strength as well as the idea of how I am would affect those I care about. Yes, that sounds like avoiding the issue to a degree. But I've never ever denied or ran away from the dark side. So to speak of myself I've learned it's part of who I am and I have to accept that. But it doesn't mean I have to be that person.

So if the truth and you've read this far LOL. And you have those dark thoughts because of the jacked up stuff that happened to you. Just remember it's part of you but it doesn't make you who you are. You are a conscious person. You're a individual. You decide your outcome.

[Littlecook]

This must of been very difficult to write my heart goes out you , my childhood wasn't the best but nothing like yours , if you want a chat just drop me a line take care .

[Japan2015 in reply to Littlecook]

I truly and wholeheartedly. Thank you for that. And I'm also here for You my friend 110%

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry for what happened to you.... and know you don't want any response or sympathy. I too was a child of sexual abuse by multiple family members and strangers. This is a very complex issue to deal with. But I did not understand one thing you said...and wanted to clarify it.... did you say you too are now abusing?.... or were you saying the abuse was not objected to. Some kids find their only closeness from an abuser.... and it gets confused with being love. But others are traumatized by it. Either way.... therapy was my only safe way to learn to cope and understand what had happened to me.

[Japan2015 in reply to fauxartist]

You are in my opinion, absolutely correct. Having proper therapy makes all the difference. But when you come from a low-income family like I did that didn't happen. I was lucky enough at the University I was at come across someone who was able to help me.

I'm not saying this website is a substitute for proper therapy in any way. However, at least it's a safe outlet and that is absolutely in my opinion the first step.

[Japan2015 in reply to fauxartist]

To answer your question of clarification. When I was a child I did try to do some things to another child. However, it never reached the sexual side. Whether it be my own conscience or God, I don't know. I never crossed that line.

[fauxartist in reply to Japan2015]

This was a learned behavior as a kid that doesn't really have an understanding of what even happened to them, they are just mimicking what was done to them. You were just a kid.

[fauxartist]

I hear ya on the costs...it's ridiculous ...but I did find an extremely affordable route with some of the clinics that offered a sliding scale payment.... I paid 10.00 a visit. I had to search around and do some digging...but there is help out there, you just have to be resourceful. And of course this site is I feel a very valuable outlet for many who can't get out into the world especially. As many of us do use this place as a lifeline. It's one tool in the tool box, as well as the plethora of data about our issues on the internet. You just have to be mindful of the sites that want you to pay for what should be given freely. I found meetings, workbooks, social groups like this one, and lots of information and updates on medical progress.

[mahoganybrain in reply to fauxartist]

I envy you for finding help. Have you found hard cover workbooks?

[fauxartist in reply to mahoganybrain]

No... I had an adult coloring workbook for my dysfunctional family therapy, though, that was very cool.

[Mohammad-341]

You are very bray. I can understand that these things are not easy to forget. At least their after effects. Me to get angry with these things. I also experienced sexual abuse

[casablancalover14]

I am sorry to hear about your horrible childhood, and going through all of that pain. I have never had that happen to me, but one of my closest friends was molested by her father for many years. She has been in therapy for years, and deals with anxiety and depression today. We all have demons to cope with, just some are worse than others. I'm always here if you want to talk.🫠🫠

[Vonus5591]

Yes I had by relative too. Not something really talk about except on this site. Sometimes, I think it caused alot of problems and others blame myself but I was too young. It affects how you deal with sex talk and love and marriage, to me it was dirty experience but lucky it did not go too far. My later experiences/experiments were wrong ones to have though. You make mistakes and sometimes big ones. Not really wanted to talk about it but you shared and so I shared.

[DJB74]

I love the honesty and candor. Thank you for sharing