Surprising Dignosis

[Tealpillow]

Hi all - TW - I’m having a hard time and may say some things about depression, autism, mental health, sexual abuse (no details, just mention of), and addiction that might be Triggering for people.

I want to state outright that I’ve recently been diagnosed as autistic and I’m so grateful to finally understand why I am the way I am. I love my autism (it expresses itself in adorable ways, and I love myself very much) but it’s led to intense trauma and abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional) because I’m trusting, especially with family. I just honestly love people and feeling joyful and happy, trying new things. Anyways, I’m 38 and just now getting a high functioning autism diagnosis (I’m not sure what else to call it, apologies if this offends). I wish I had been diagnosed sooner because it feels like I’ve ruined my own life and abused myself because I didn’t understand why I act the way I do. Soooooo much of my life has been painful and now that I know what’s going on, I’m riddled with sadness and guilt for always pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I’ve pushed myself so hard that I broke - I’ve been medicated for depression and anxiety for about 10 years, attempted suicide, had eating disorders, substance abuse, pick at my face, and currently smoke weed contantly (it’s like a warm blanket for my brain). All while working full time and taking care of my 3 kids, husband, and mom.

I’m overwhelmed and have been crying off and on for going on 5 days now. I’m so grateful to be able to function well enough to work, but I’m struggling with feeling like I’m disabled (I’m so sorry, I know that’s a bad word). I’ve been a high achiever but then got this diagnosis and discovered that all this achievement has cost me my mental and physical health. I’m just so overwhelmed and shocked. I can’t believe this is happening.

I know this is a group for depression but I was wondering if any of you have been, or know, an adult with autism on top of depression? Anyone willing to share how you reacted when discovering your diagnosis? After these confusing feelings pass, will I be okay?

[RottieFlood37]

Tealpillow, reading your post felt like reading an entry out of my personal journal except I haven’t been diagnosed as autistic…which now makes me confused and very interested. I am 38 next month with 3 children, too. However, my eldest son has been diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD and depression and a slew of other things. He was diagnosed at 15/16 and started to really experience issues during puberty which also coincided with the Flood (us losing everything).

Literally everything you said is me to a T, except the autism diagnosis! I believe I should be considered disabled now but looking at me a year and a half ago no one would believe that. Now I can’t go through a full day without crying - breaking into tears for no reason. I’m in physical pain 24/7/365. I don’t sleep well; I haven’t been fully rested in God knows how long. I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m the f*cking Operations Manager of a multi-million dollar small business. My failings directly affect my job and my family. I’ve always been the matriarch, until the fall of 2022. I think I had a breakdown and I haven’t recovered.

And smoking weed is the ONLY thing that calms my brain and makes me feel calm. It makes me feel a little level and logical, that things might be okay even though deep down I can still feel this awful, dreadful feeling that I am not okay at all and no one can can tell me why.

I have still not been able to find a therapist or psychologist that I can afford now. You have something going for you; you have a diagnosis you can own. Which means you can find resources and tools to manage it.

I would also recommend a book - You Are Not Alone by Ken Duckworth. I grabbed it off Amazon. You could probably find a secondhand copy somewhere, if needed. It’s gotten me to search for someone to talk to instead of doing “nothing.”

I am here if you need me.

[Tealpillow in reply to RottieFlood37]

thank you so much, Rottie!! This is the video I saw that made me consider autism and omg it’s scary accurate. It says it’s for females but I think anyone could have these qualities: youtu.be/xeZZHnQYoR4?si=ck5...(Not working as expected?)

[RottieFlood37 in reply to Tealpillow]

🙀 I really have to find someone to talk to… I took the Aspie Quiz and the Autism Quotient and they both indicated I was likely to have Autism and was neurodivergent.

[Tealpillow in reply to RottieFlood37]

Oh my gosh! So much resonates, right?! It’s head spinning 😵‍💫

I took a bunch of those tests too (autistic, of course we did 😉 ) and consistently keep getting scores indicating high functioning autism (Asperger’s). There’s also a Facebook group you might want to check out Autism Late Diagnosis/Self-Identification Support Group. I’ve been scouring it for days.

[Tealpillow in reply to RottieFlood37]

I just had to add … I also work in a high level position at a business. Our similarities are uncanny 😆