LIVING IN SHAME AND FEAR.

[Catalina4]

Hello everyone I suffer from severe anxiety disorder, bipolar, and depression. I am 43 and have been diagnosed since I was removed from my mother's and stepfather home for physical, mental abuse and neglect at the age of 11.

[kenster1]

hi and a warm welcome to you hope the site helps and sets you on the road to recovery.

[Catalina4 in reply to kenster1]

Thank you for the welcome. I hope this group is a tool to aid me in my journey forward.

[kenster1 in reply to Catalina4]

hey no worries glad to see a few people reaching out to you hope its made you feel a little better knowing you are not alone.

[Catalina4 in reply to kenster1]

Yes, knowing that I am not alone is helpful. Then again, I feel sad that others are suffering the same pain that I have. However, we can help guide one another though, and if one finds something that works, they can offer it to another. I think it is just essential to have someone to talk to that understands what I am going through and doesn't' think I am crazy.

[deborah27]

Hi, really lovely photo. There is some thought that part of us gets stuck emotionally at the age we experieced childhood trauma. You talk of being 11 years old and now you are 43. I was a very little girl too when I experienced abuse. Sometimes in my head I am still that frightened little girl. I have to remind myself that I am a woman now, a pretty amazing one I might add, lol. So many years have passed now. The things that a child cannot and should not have to deal with are part of my past, it is hard work but I try to tell myself what an amazing woman I am now. I am not that child anymore. I am sure you are amazing, kind and caring, bright and fun. So glad you are here on our forum and are able to share your story. I celebrate you.

[Catalina4 in reply to deborah27]

Thank you for such support, I just thought if I could get myself out there some it might release some of these demons I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone around me. Of course, I do tend to isolate. That might be some of the issues too I suppose.

[deborah27 in reply to Catalina4]

Always here at some point, I find the forum really supportive too. Lots of love to you. Xx

[Magicdreamer]

Welcome 😁 What a beautiful picture. Thank you for sharing. I'm 44 and through this online chat I can see we're all victims of victims. So, I'm done done with blaming cos it keeps me stuck. Today, I wake up thinking how and what can I do to make myself feel better. I'm learning to love and understand my demons and remind myself that there is a reason I feel the way I do so I can either pretend to be a good girl or I can embrace those sides that make me cringe with love and understanding. I have this obsession to be a good girl and I understand that there's a reason for it but there's also a wild and free side that I've supressed over the years so that I can be accepted. I've come to really realise that it's my acceptance that I need. There are a lot of things that I'm not proud of that I've done but I'm seeing life now as every single move, step or action that I take is because there is a reason for it. Everything and I mean everything happens for a reason and even if I don't understand it there's a reason behind it that does eventually give me understanimg. I'm learning to move away from self condenmnation because it feels like I have a heavy chain around my neck with a heavy shield on my chest. It makes me feel heavy and small so I'm going with what makes me feel light and I'm looking at ways to flip shadow personalities into something that gives back. I cannot excel any parts of who I am so I'm learning to embrace them knowing they're part of me for a reason. There will be down days and there will be up days so I'm learning to embrace and trust all days. I have the power to make this life worth living..... I also had an experience yesterday which gave me insight,, real insight into the realisation that every single person in this planet has a different perception because their experiences are different. The abuse is the same for all but the experiences are different which means what triggers you may not trigger me so all our perceptions are different so I'm learning how to talk about how I feel so that others can understand me.... I wish you an adventurous, curious and magical journey. Xxx

[Kkimm in reply to Magicdreamer]

Hi

This is an interesting perspective, thanks so much for sharing it.

Kim

[Catalina4 in reply to Magicdreamer]

I love what you had to say, I do agree to embrace the good, and the bad is the result I need instead of living in shame that it happened because no one can change the past. I must embrace the moments I feel Anxiety and do it anyway. I have been trying to leave my house for no reason, in particular, say hello and something I like that they are wearing to a stranger. The only way to get out the nervous feelings is realizing that getting outside of myself will not be the end that I fear it will be.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Catalina4]

Yeah! I know what that feels like, getting out the house. I'm learning to practice gratitude as well as it helps me get out of victim mentality and asking what the blessing is in each situation.... I learn a lot from Teal Swan as her experience helps me understand my own. I'm learning as I walk my path and understanding through awareness why a certain emotion appear and what the deeper hurt is. In particular, Firefighters. It feels like I'm starting to let go a bit and trust the process more. I'm trying to get into the body more so I'm out my head but it's tricky! 😂Walking towards the fear rather than run away and wow, does that take patience and practice 😂 I really do believe that everything happens for a reason and sometimes I need to read my own messages to bring me back to centre. When I remember that everything is as is meant to be then I can stop the worry thoughts and trust the process and it takes everyday to remind myself and I'm feeling more courageous. I'm glad you enjoyed the input and hope it helps in someway. I'm determined to find the way that works best for myself because we all have a unique way of healing and my happiness is important to me. Xxx

[Catalina4 in reply to Magicdreamer]

I just started college courses about a year ago. I am going for my Bachelor's degree in Behavior Health Science with emphasis on Trauma. I want to be a therapist; I suppose my first patient is me. If I can't find success for myself, how can I ever help anyone else! When I do find success, I want to share the tools to succeed to others to aid in their recovery; after all, I will be living proof that it can happen.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Catalina4]

That's beautiful and go for it. The world needs more therapists.I find it easier giving advice to others and motivating others and find it very difficult giving and taking advice from myself because I've set such high standards for myself and ridiculous ones so nothing ever seems to be good enough. It's super frustrating and I try be there for myself during these times and it's even more difficult. I'm really trying to take one day at a time.... One moment at a time and I'm progressing as everything is exactly as it's meant to be and the answer will arrive. 😂 Talking to myself. I wish you all the very best with your studies and keep your goal your focus. It's something amazng to give back to the world - to help people heal and join the dots. Xxx

[Catalina4 in reply to Magicdreamer]

Sorry for the response being so late. I have had a quiz every week. I thought helping others with their problems would get me out of my own for sure. I also think giving back helps raise the spirits. Thanks for your support, my friend. I will try to attempt to get on here more.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Catalina4]

You're welcome, friend. Great to hear from you. 💞

[pink318]

Hello, Welcome to this forum!

I hope you will be blessed and feel the support you need to get better.

God bless.

[Catalina4 in reply to pink318]

Thank you! I am already feeling so much love. I am not sure what I was expecting. The group here is some real support. Thank you so much for your response my school load is extremely heavy right now, but I will make a strong effort to receive this support and as well be the support others in my circumstances need. The best way to solve your problems sometimes is helping others solve theirs.

[Cam49]

Welcome! I’m happy you found us here and hope you feel love and support as I do. God bless!

[Catalina4 in reply to Cam49]

Thanks for the welcome. I already feel a sense of accomplishment in joining the group. I guess you get out of things what you want. I know I was looking to get out of myself and talk to others. Joining this site alone was a big step for me. Tomorrow who knows maybe I will speak to more people outside of my home, for now, I have found comrades in this group.