Hi, this post might seem stupid to some people, but this problem is affecting me a lot because I care about animal rights a lot and I don’t want to kill animals, including insects. I have a fear that in 2018, I intentionally killed two cockroaches by spraying soapy water on them because of reading online that soapy water can be used to kill cockroaches (and also because of thinking that cockroaches were not sentient beings and therefore didn’t have value). I don’t know if this happened, but the chance that maybe it did happen is ruining my life. I’m scared that I’m a cockroach killer, and it makes me feel like a bad, heartless person. I know that I sprayed at least one cockroach with either water or soapy water, but maybe my intention was to make it stop moving so I could just put it somewhere else. Sometimes when I think about that alternate possibility, it feels familiar to me, as if that’s what happened, which gives me hope that my intention wasn’t to kill it. I have worried about this topic once in a while since maybe 2021 (I don’t know which year). When I would worry about it in the past, I would have the thought/memory that I intentionally killed them because I didn’t think that they were sentient beings and therefore didn’t have value, and then I would tell myself the following things:
“They would be dead by now anyway, so that makes it less sad.” “They would’ve killed other insects if I hadn’t killed them, so it’s overall good.” “I feel bad that I killed them, but I just didn’t know that they might be sentient beings. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
Somehow I would get over it after worrying about it. I would think about it once in a while (maybe every 4 months or something like that) since maybe 2021. In August this year, I started worrying about it again, and this time I just couldn’t get over it. I started analyzing everything. I was trying to find a way that maybe my intention wasn’t to kill them. After the thought of my intention being only to make them stop moving (so I could put them somewhere else) felt familiar to me, I stopped worrying about it for the most part. Recently, I’ve started worrying about it again. I can’t get over it. I’m starting to lose interest in things in my life. It’s simply unacceptable to me to have intentionally killed cockroaches. I feel like a bad person, and my OCD is telling me that I’m a heartless person who doesn’t even have feelings in general. I analyzed my internet history from 2018 (the year in which I think I sprayed the cockroaches), and I didn’t find anything about killing or spraying cockroaches. I also didn’t find anything about soapy water either. However, it’s possible that I was using incognito mode or that I was using a device that wasn’t recording my internet history. All I know is that I sprayed at least one cockroach with water or soapy water and that I read online that soapy water can be used to kill cockroaches. My fear is that I read it and then decided to intentionally kill cockroaches, and I’m hoping that I sprayed them without the intention to kill them and then read the thing about soapy water afterwards. There is another thing from 2018 that I had an incorrect memory of, even though it felt like a solid memory to me. If I had an incorrect memory like that, then it’s also possible that the memory of “intentionally killing cockroaches” is incorrect. I can’t stop worrying about this whole thing. Please help me. It’s taking over my life.
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anonymous153
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I have been struggling with similar. I have high animal compassion as it’s turned into sort of an obsession now and I do have ocd as well.
I don’t know where balance is as every life is important and there’s such a messy mean world out there and I try to not think too hard but that’s hard. Try meditating. It helps me get out of binge thinking.
Mostly pure-ocd which is having a lot of obsessions but only a few certain compulsions. It’s usually thoughts about sex, sexuality, religion, harm, personal health, romance, and really almost anything can trigger me. You?
I understand. I also used to have the mental type of OCD. With the "pure O" type of OCD, the compulsions are the worrying that you do. There are still compulsions, but they're mental. They have to be treated just like other compulsions. If the fear gets triggered and you stop what you're doing and worry about it, then you've done a compulsion. You have to keep on doing what you're doing and let the stress come and go. An exposure (the most effective way to treat OCD) would be to trigger the fear on purpose and then not do any compulsions.
Oh so worrying is a mental compulsion? Interesting. Sometimes I ruminste. I typically let the stress go by staying really busy. But it’s still there in my mind I just give it less importance. That’s the only way I know to not worry as much is to do… like right now I’m sick but I’m still working (cleaning) because it is a relief for me. Another way of relief for me is cleaning. But I don’t think it’s always a form of ocd.
Yes worrying can be a mental compulsion. For example, if the fear comes to you when you're cleaning, you have to just keep on cleaning. There might be stress, but you're not supposed to stop cleaning just to worry about the fear. The stress will come and go in the background. Fighting the stress is also a compulsion. Just let the stress be there while you clean. After some time, the fear will go away because you're not interacting with it. It won't necessarily go away after the first time, but if you consistently don't interact with it, then it will go away.
I’m so sorry these thoughts are nagging and won’t go away. I became a vegetarian in part because I can’t stand the thought of killing animals. I used to have nightmares about how they died etc. One thing you might find helpful when thoughts of the cockroaches surface is to take a moment to thank them for sharing their life with you and telling them that their existence is beautiful. We can’t go back and change what happened but maybe taking a different approach to the situation may help.
Cockroaches have existed since dinosaurs so these guys are tough. If you did spray them with soapy water, chances are high they didn’t die. They probably got all wet and scared, but unless you drown them in bowl of soapy water, you most likely didn’t kill them. Just cleaned them off real nice 😊
I hope some of this resonates - it sounds like you’re really going through a tough time. 🫂
Sounds like you are dealing with OCD and would benefit from medication and would benefit from psychological help if you are not currently.
You might check out Matthew Codde at restoredminds.com for how to deal with OCD and intrusive thoughts. Another good resource is Paige Pradko who has a website and youtube videos. Both are therapists that had OCD and dealt with intrusive thoughts and now help others heal.
You're welcome, both of them have good youtube videos that you can watch and learn from. There is a lot of good free info on youtube about all of this and the more you learn and understand what is going on for you the further ahead you will be at healing. The truth is that a good therapist can help you understand and provide you with the knowledge, tools and skills but you have to do the work and heal yourself.
I good thing to start investigating for yourself is why your OCD keeps changing, what are you repressing and holding on to and what are you really afraid of?
From plants and single-cell organisms all the way up to us, no living thing can live without causing another living thing to die. Every time you inhale, the oxygen you take in kills microbes within you, as does your immune system constantly. Nature is animals and plants killing other animals and plants and all of these killing bacteria, viruses, etc with their immune systems.
This is because this is a fallen, broken world and your compassion reflects your innate hunger for Heaven, where death and pain are no more.
In the meantime, try to avoid gratuitous killing as best you can and let God handle the rest.
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Memorial Garden with Rainbow Bridge
Sad memorial day...😢
