I have a deadly fear of intimacy

[Against_the_current]

I woke up in panic. Recently I've been having random outbursts of panic so powerful that i start crying. At least they pass fast not like my usual anxiety attacks, triggered by family. So in these 3 years since November 2020 when mom lost it and i lost it and i went to dad's and found out he's expecting a baby, I've been going insane, seeking help, talking to people online, having fear of babies, not thinking straight. I'm 23, all my relationships have been online and long distance and around talking about mental health and I ended up in them because i needed support and talks get deep and emotional and you know. But things are completely different when someone tries to touch me irl. I like to cuddle but guys get the wrong idea by deep talks and a hug and even when there are feelings and concent (because i fear losing him) i feel like im about to pass out if something more than a hug happens. And seeing ppl say how they had kids or chose to not have and explain the anatomy, i go into insane panic. I feel detached from my body. I'm just a brain flowing. I had a friend who had philophobia, i guess this might be some kind of a phobia but fear of the physical not the feeling part. Note i was bullied a lot in school mostly by guys who liked me. I feel bad that i didn't just distance myself and know im too broken to feel so i didn't involve myself in feeling when im unable(actually able but i will need a lobotomy after that) . I should have stayed away from everyone my whole life. I can't have a normal life. I feel like im between the hammer and the ....i forgot the word in English but you get it. Please don't judge, i already judge myself

P.s. i had a friend who went absolutely different after it. Actually all my girls in college went different and/or got painfully attached to their firsts. I withnessed a normie go on medication and therapy after breaking up with her first. I hate to use this word but she really went mental

[SoporRose]

AtC,

You may too broken now, but I don't believe you will always be so. I'm sorry all the guys you've encountered have been such stereotypical guys. Please don't feel the need to rush into sex. It does tend to change things and you need to focus on yourself before you enter into such an intimate relationship.

The best "practice" for romance is friendship. I suggest focussing on friendships with people who won't be looking for a sexual relationship now. Or on one friendship. I hope there are new people in your life in your new classes with whom you might be close. Friendships, real friendships, take time to develop. I hope you can get one started and get and give support and go out and have some fun.