Forgiving Infidelity

[katherinep20]

Back in September, I found out my husband was unfaithful. I found some text messages and he denied everything. I hacked his phone and saw who he was texting with, It was the neighbor who is married and has a kid. I went to her home, got intoa physical fight and I spent the night in jail. He finally confessed that he slept with her twice. My heary broke into a million pieces. He said he did it because I was not giving him the attention he needed. I went into deep depression and anxiety. I forgave him and tried to move on and told him he needed to end the affiar. He said he did but he was still going out to bars and drinking. So I was upset all the time and not letting him forget what he'd done. One day I saw his location and he was very close to the house when he was supposed to be working. I saw he was dropping her off near the corner. I was heartbroken again and he said he was in contact with her again because I did not change my character. But he didn't do anything with her but take her to the store. But if I hadn't caught him, God knows what he would've done. He says he is sorry and ended the affair for real with her. But now I feel like it's too late and even though I love him, I can't help but think of him with her. Has anyone been though something similar and how did it turn out? I am so tired of all this.

[Dolphin14]

Have you been to counseling together?

🐬

[katherinep20 in reply to Dolphin14]

No, he said he doesn't believe in therapy. But now wants us to go to church and seek help there.

[Dolphin14 in reply to katherinep20]

Do you think that would help? What are your thoughts?

This is a tough one for sure. I'm sorry you are going through this

[katherinep20 in reply to Dolphin14]

I don't know if it will help. We have been together for 16 years and this is the first time something like this happens. I can give it one last shot I guess.

[Dolphin14 in reply to katherinep20]

I always feel things will work out the way they should.

Be mindful of YOU. What your worth is

[b1b1b1 in reply to katherinep20]

Going to church can't hurt, even if you are not particularly religious, and it might help.

[IncognitoC]

In my experience a leopard never changes its spots. I caught my ex out and forgave him, he did it again, I forgave him, he did it again. When I finally ended the relationship I found out that he had been unfaithful in excess of 30 times in our 7 year relationship.

[CLB1125]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t let him blame you! If he’s not happy with you then he should tell you so you can work on it together. Going and getting something strange doesn’t fix the problem. Take care of you! Unless the pastor/clergyman is a trained therapist I don’t believe they shouldn’t be trying to council couples. Just my humble opinion.

[litethatnevergoesout]

I would not trust anything that he says

[HoldingonLou]

It's heartbreaking when things like this happen. Whatever you do, stay away from her. If he isn't interested in counseling then it seems it's up to the two of you what happens next. Have you seeked additonal support for yourself? Maybe look into a divorce support group to hear from others what could possibly be next.

You can always get a lawyer and file for divorce. It doesn't mean it will definitely happen but can serve as an awakening. Have you had a conversation with her husband? I imagine he is aware if there was a physical fight. Usually filing for a separation instigating him moving can also be an awakening. Do you have any children?

Do you both belong to a church? Some churches have sunday school classes for married folks so you can get to know each other and help each other with marital life questions.

Hugs.

[scansnap]

I remember one instance when I was practicing therapy. A woman came in and was very upset because her husband had been intoxicated and abusive. Afterwards, he sounded very remorseful and said he would never do it again. At this point, I looked at her and asked her “how many times has this happened before?“ She said probably 10 times or more. To me, this is an example that some people can’t control themselves and cannot really change, even if they want to. So I would be very careful about whatever your husband says at this point.

I would recommend couples therapy, but your husband seems reluctant. If you go to see your clergy, he or she will probably do an assessment, and then refer you to a qualified marital counselor. Maybe that will help your husband to agree.

[Arymretep]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through , it’s heartbreaking when someone you love does this to you, but people do move on if you both really want to, You can go to counselling without him if he won’t go.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I'm sorry that happen to you. I do feel he is definitely gaslighting you with this is "your fault" that he cheated. And even though he said he ended it and then you caught him again and he gave another excuse and still blaming you. And that he only met up with the other woman to take her to the store. And he definitely ended it for real this time 🤔 yeah I don't buy it. He did it again. He doesn't believe in therapy but it's willing to do Church. Ok, while religious counseling can't hurt however I feel this is a way for him to tell the pastor, deacon whatever that you are the problem. And have the church agree with him. Rather than accepting responsibility for his actions. But that's my opinion.

Im biased because my dad had countless affairs on my mom when I was a kid and even took me over to their houses.

I understand that couples who been together for a while tend to drift apart because of responsibilities get in the way (jobs, kids, life) It takes work to still keep the spice going. You aren't always going to find your partner attractive 100% of the time. It's normal. But you can discover new things about them. About each other. That's the other thing as we get older we evolve together. But communication is key. Both parties need to talk to each other. You are not a mind reader and neither is he. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I suggest you seek counseling for yourself to talk about the trauma, anxiety and depression. Besides going to the church. Again just my opinion.

Wishing you healing through this difficult time 🫂❤️