This is destroying my mental state.

[CharlesJacques]

I'm a 20 years old man and have never had a girlfriend. I know a lot of people will think this is not a big deal, and I'm trying to tell myself that too. However, movies and music make me fantasize about something that will fix all my problems. I know from talking to a lot of people that relationships aren't always like this, but I can't stop the feeling of wanting to be validated or accepted, at least once, to know I'm capable of love just the way I am. The problem is, almost every girl I come across already has a boyfriend, and some people might think I'm gay because I have a very energetic personality. I guess the fact that I might not appear traditionally masculine keeps me from attracting anyone. I don't know if I should change to be more reserved and less expressive, more like the stereotypical idea of a man. I feel like if I do this, I will never be myself, but the problem is that I don't know if I can choose between being myself and never having anyone, or changing myself to have a better chance of attracting people. I'm trying to love myself and be okay being alone, but it's very hard sometimes.

[adrf]

What are you currently doing to find a girlfriend?

[CharlesJacques in reply to adrf]

Nothing. I was on Tinder four months ago and had some matches, but I never messaged them because I was too scared, and I thought they wouldn't appreciate me because most girls I know in real life have no romantic interest in me at all. However, personally, I would love to be comfortable with being alone before entering a relationship. Im' also getting to know girls i work with and socializing with them too.

[CLB1125]

You are who you are. Trying to change yourself into someone your not will not be worth the prize. In time you will resent it. You will not only be lying to someone else but more importantly you will be lying to yourself. Be yourself and be happy. There are worse things than being single. It’s being in a relationship where you are miserable. If you are meant to have a significant other then you will when the time is right.

[Hidden]

Everybody is different. I am thirty eight girl and I have never had a proper relationship either now that makes me feel like I’m wierd and abnormal . It may be the normal to have relationships at your ago but not everybody is the sane and should not be judged for not being the way society thinks you should be , or for not having what society thinks u should have at a certain age . Then again I have had mental health issues for quite few years , but I don’t know .guess I feel like I’m wierd aswell .

[CharlesJacques in reply to Hidden]

No you're not weird, if you're okay with it that's the only thing that counts. im' still not okay with it but if you are that's great!!

[Hidden]

Hello Thank you for sharing. I can understand that you are feeling under pressure from what you are seeing/hearing in the media.. having given into that myself at the time I would advise against it. Instead I would say to myself now, you can relax because you have time.. in fact it is better to relax for now. In general I would say love does not require you to become some else. It requires compromise and being kind to each other but not to fundamentally change who you are. You can experience love and togetherness and belonging in many ways until you find you first partner. Also, I would not rush this and trust that you have the next years to explore who you are, and develop confidence through that. I have a friend who had her first boyfriend at 26 or 27... he was the same, two years older. They have been together for a long time now, drama free, happy, met at university/in an environment of mutual interest.

From my experience anything before 25 is often more infatuation drama than real love. We all change so much growing up still and our brains have only matured around age 25. Being in love can turn into love but to maintain a relationship that provides stability to me requires compromise and some maturity. Take your time observing people and their different traits, learning how you feel in different situations with different people.. learn what is good for you and what others appreciate about you.. also what complements your own traits in a person, learn to recognize what you appreciate in others. Then you can develop beyond falling in love and having a girlfriend, towards choosing a good partner for yourself and building a stable and loving partnership.

It depends on what you want though. If you would rather experiment and adventure and see what happens, how about joining a meetup group? In my city “slow dating for introverts” and similar groups are available as well as hiking for singles, and I don’t know what else. I know people who have found their spouses on tinder but personally I’m not convinced. I think I would prefer the activities and things slowly developing, but tinder probably has it’s perks depending on what you want and what personality type you are.

[CharlesJacques in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your comment. Personally, if not being in a relationship is going to be considered a red flag for many girls, I would prefer to start dating now to avoid potential frustration.

[Hidden in reply to CharlesJacques]

I can see your point and to some that might be true. For me I think that really depends on personality and values. To me randomly dating people just to “date” is a red flag - if you meet someone and are in love and you are good to each other and thriving - great! But if not, there are other things in life that are great and important too that you can put your attention towards in the meantime. To me it is more important to have fewer but quality relationships, not just romantic, where I feel safe and a deep connection and am treated with love and respect. I think that is greatly a personality thing though. I’ve met people who love the excitement and flirting and mystery of not knowing what will happen next.. not for me but when I was younger I found that exciting as well. However in combination with an understanding of human relationships shaped by trauma and neglect that I had at the time - that was not a great idea for me in hindsight and for a while I wished I had not had many of the experiences. Because even the times when I met someone caring about me and capable of deep love, I was not able to truly connect and let someone in and build something lasting. I wish I had taken the time to learn and understand what positive, healthy, good relationships could look like and how a positive self view plays into that.. and how I can participate and be present in both before plunging in. However some people experience that naturally growing up in a loving and safe family situation or with other role models. I’m not sure how many of those so lucky are present in this forum though or would feel it is a problem to be without a romantic relationship and longing to feel loved. That is my theory though, I’m myself just learning to feel unconditionally loved and connected to the people around me and learning that can be experienced in any relationship.

But that is just my life experience and point of view right now, based on my personality type, so definitely everyone do what feels right to them! We can all only share or own subjective experiences and views.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I think it can be summed up - my view is wait until you feel personally ready to be open and to love and be loved. In a situation that is in general safe and not harmful/dangerous… So where I was actually okay objectively, I have not made good experiences with actions I have made out if fear/pressure (of missing out, others judgement, not upsetting someone, etc) so I can generally from my personal experience not really recommend that whatever it is. Actions out of feeling ready and out of love, and really wanting something, yes definitely!

You can set your own direction and timeline.

[CharlesJacques in reply to Hidden]

thanks for your response, im' 100% in agreement with you. I don't knwo if im' ready or not. i'll be ready when they're ready. so for the moment i will start improving myself.

[Hidden in reply to CharlesJacques]

I wish you all the best for your learning and your love experience. ♥️

[secrets22]

Please dont try to change who you are, be proud of who you are.

I have tried countless times to be different and more outgoing, but it really hasn't worked for me, but you on the other hand appear to have no problem socializing, and i guess we all have day dreams and hopes and wishes, but i have learnt not to go looking for love, because when its right it will find you. Good luck.