Getting close to the bottom

[Cat-Person]

Hello… I don't know how much of this will make sense without getting into my whole life story. Or maybe it just doesn't make sense. But anyway here it is.

I have been very badly depressed due to things not going well with my wife. Long story short we've had some disagreements and I've asked her to make some changes to her daily routine… and we've argued about it repeatedly since our youngest started school a few years ago. No progress has been made on the issue. But I guess I've pissed her off long term/permanently and for the past year or two she doesn't hug or kiss me or tell me she loves me unless I do first. Even then what I get back feels like an empty gesture. Since the start of this year she has also basically stopped spending time with me all together. We used to play games or watch TV together every other night. Now she puts on her headphones, does her nightly Rocket League tournament, then watches TV until 2 in the morning without interacting with me at all. I go to bed sad and lonely every night around 11-12.

For some time now I have been on this rollercoaster. I decide that it's not worth arguing over stuff and would rather just try to be happy. So I shower her with affection, try not to ask anything of her, and ask to spend time with her almost every day which she declines. After a couple weeks or a month of this, she starts to warm up to me a little, but when we get to a critical point, she rejects me, pushes me away, and goes back to ignoring me. Each cycle of this, I go through all the stages of grief alone. I can't believe I'm back where I started after all my effort. I'm pissed. I'm depressed. I'm numb. And then after a month or so of that, I'm back at square one wanting my wife back and ready to try again.

Well a couple weeks ago after getting my latest smackdown, I decided I just can't do it any more. I can't carry the weight of trying to hold our marriage together by myself, bending over backward to try to make her happy with me while she puts no effort at all back into me. So I said to myself, I'm done. And I'm going to tell her I'm done doing this alone, and she can either start putting effort into me, or we can divorce while I still have enough life left in me to find a new love. I've held on as long as I can because I don't want our kids to grow up in a broken home like we both did, but I'm at the point I feel like I'm dying inside.

That was a couple weeks ago. I haven't been able to get up the nerve to have this conversation with her yet. A week ago as I was about to try to do this, her mother came to visit and has been here for a week, and I don't want to start something and upset her while her mother is here.

I woke up this morning more or less at my breaking point. I sat here on the bed with my head in my hands for a very long time trying to hold myself together. When she got up, she asked if I was okay. I told her I haven't been okay for a long time and don't think I can do this any more. She stood there for a minute and then walked out of the bedroom. Didn't sit by me, touch me, or say anything. I've been in and out of bed a few times today. She came through this afternoon to use the bathroom while I was just lying here. Didn't stop or say anything, just walked right on by… and I've spent the day not wanting my life anymore.

Am I wrong to think if she cared about me, she would stop and at least put a hand on me or say something? Realistically the thing I want most is to have my loving marriage back. I want to be hugged and kissed and told that I'm loved. I want her to spend time with me doing anything. But it feels like that's gone for good. I might try to escape this and start over just for my own well-being except I have to think about my kids too, so I'm trapped in this crushing sadness. I feel like there's nothing left I can do or any point to it.

[GlowingDarkly]

I am by no means an expert in the area of relationships (no wife, no kids). But I definitely feel as though it might be worth exploring Marriage Counseling or perhaps finding a therapist for just yourself, just so you feel you have an ally in your corner listening to the struggle.

You definitely do not deserve to be going through this alone. And communication between you and your wife definitely seems to have broken down and causing a lot of strain. She must be also suffering silently over her own struggles but also is holding onto keeping your house together for your children.

That bond you both share for your kids is an important cornerstone to repairing your relationship as well as returning your home to being a mentally “safe” place for all. Again, this is just an outside perspective, and I would personally avoid setting an ultimatum unless it is a last resort, because in my own experience - that just tends to break things rather than magically fix things. Being able to re-establish lines of emotionally honest communication is imperative if what in your heart of hearts you want is your wife back. So I would explore everything before things go beyond the point of no return.

There is always hope! And in the mean time, I am happy that you found this space to get things off your chest. I hope there are some folks out here that can add some more/better insight than I.

My heart aches with yours, stay strong - you deserve a win in this.

[litethatnevergoesout]

sorry cat person. have you tried couples therapy or marriage counseling? it’s hard making that conversation possible and it may go right past her. I can sense that things are at a very fragile moment. it does take both of your efforts to work effectively. she may have thoughts and feelings about your position on things that she hasn’t expressed. going off of what you have said you and her don’t seem to be connecting.

she did ask you if you were ok. sounds like she does care. that was a perfect moment to create dialogue that you actually do want the two of you to be happy and could have been a chance to connect. she very well may feel there’s nothing she can do either, she doesn’t know you’ve been meaning to have a conversation with her. its probably overwhelming to hear you haven’t been feeling like you can do this anymore.

Communication. healthy positive communication.

I suggest couples counseling with a professional. love patience and understanding.

maybe make plans to do things together or as a family.

I assume you want this to work or you wouldn’t have posted.

[Cat-Person in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

She did ask initially if I was okay, and in the moment I tried to say something, but I couldn't make any more words come out.

I do want to fix this. I have no desire to lose everything and start over, and realistically I'm too old for that anyway I think.

It has occurred to me to seek counseling or a therapist, but here's the thing about that… From age 7 to 18 I was experimented on by psychiatrists as well as poked and prodded by counselors, including being abused/tortured by an in-patient therapist in a hospital as a teenager. I absolutely despise and distrust therapists. I haven't been medicated or seen a therapist since I turned 18, and I've done alright with her support. I've managed a successful career and have a house and a family of four. So this is something I have been wrestling with for a while. Another thing that makes me feel trapped looking for a 3rd option beyond do or don't. But maybe there is no other way.

She knew I had some troubles before we got married, and she used to put me first. All I needed was a hug from her and then the rest of the world was okay. She's been my strength and my center for many years. But now somehow that has all been turned on its head.

[GlowingDarkly in reply to Cat-Person]

I have been in your very same shoes when it comes to trauma surrounding past experiences with Psychiatrists and sub-par councelors/therapists. I spent 20 years avoiding seeking any professional help because of that experience I had through out my high school life. My life has gotten to the point of me “managing” my issues on my own is just impossible and finally reached out to a Cognitive Behavior Therapist to help me while also explaining to him my past experience and ingrained mistrust of the process. He’s been very kind and open to that challenge and we’ve established a great relationship. Through this process I have even more recently put into a motion to reach out to a Psychiatrist to find maybe something to help me manage the more physical side of my anxiety.

It is incredibly difficult for us to get out of our own way sometimes. Especially when it comes with handling what is going on in our head (after all who knows us better than ourselves!) But I can promise you that if you take a leap of faith and start reach out for some external help, that you might be surprised that the journey you’ve taken thus far in life has finally put you into the position you needed to, to finally find the support you need.

We cannot always be alone with the demons we fight on a daily basis.

[Cat-Person in reply to GlowingDarkly]

I managed to talk with her and told her how I've been feeling as best I could. She's been on edge somewhat too. We spent some time just being close and talking and things were going ok.

That lasted for about two days until our daughter was misbehaving at bed time. She was doing some backseat parenting while getting ready for her Rocket League tournament, shouting vague single word instructions across the house (this really annoys me) which I evidently misunderstood. Now she's all mad at me and being distant and holding a grudge again…

I know that I'm socially awkward and a bit of a screwup, and that's been my whole life, but I'm starting to think some of this is anger management problems on her end. She gets mad at me, often over small stuff, and she just stays that way no matter what I do or don't do. If there's some magic formula, I haven't figured it out.

The stress is really getting to me. I've had frequent heartburn and tightness/pain in my chest for weeks. I guess I should go see my doctor, but he already knows I'm stressed and has tried to come up with excuses to put me on antidepressants which I have sworn never to take again in my life. They did nothing but wreck me as a child. Last time he tried to tell me I have fibromyalgia and prescribed antidepressants for it. But that's just not gonna happen.

I think I also need to start looking for other ways to relieve my stress. I can't depend on her to support me any more. There are things I enjoy doing, but they never leave me feeling rested or refreshed.

[GlowingDarkly in reply to Cat-Person]

Wow that is quite the update! I am sorry that the situation seems to have returned but honestly it sounds like there was also some progress.

So many of us are socially awkward (I definitely am) and I am also a grade A screw up in many respects so you’re in good company :). So often in life there is no magic formula when it comes to relationships, it takes work on both party’s side for positive change to truly manifest.

I really do think the two of you need a neutral partner to help objectively look at elements of your relationship so that a true discussion can begin. Because you cannot bear the weight of it all on your shoulders. You are but one person.

If you are looking for new stress relief, there is always the classic of “exercise”. But lieu of that, since there are so many things in our world that can offer great stress relief, I think it behooves us to at least try something that will have a positive effect - like a new hobby or learning something new! What you can do with your stress is to turn it into energy to better yourself. Because that is an investment you can always see a return on.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Cat-Person]

all is not lost catperson. I understand what you are saying that she’s a strength and a center for you and it’s possible to right side that up and maybe even come out stronger than things have ever been. stakes are high some might say. You have something worth fighting for and worth saving.

I am sorry to hear about the terrible experiences you’ve had with therapists and counseling and psychiatrists. that’s a disheartening obstacle. ideally really it is going to take the both of you together, and there are good marriage counselors out there and they can help you just need to find one at this point and try. it may take several attempts to find the right one.

In the meantime, what can you do that shows her that you love her and that you care for her. I would lose whatever pride is getting in the way. you’re still together and sleeping in the same bed. those are good things.

[Bastian7]

It sounds to me like she is also going through a rough time, and is holding on to some kind of resentment or grudge. If I were in your place, I think I would try to have a simple, honest conversation about how she feels, why she seems so distant, and how that in turn affects you. This could be a difficult conversation for both of you, but it may be worth exploring before counselling or more radical solutions such as divorce.

I would approach her and try to have an open conversation when I felt a bit more grounded or safe - you make the first step, but let the first part of the conversation be about her, about what has been going on with her, and about you wanting to understand and help her if you can. Otherwise she may become defensive or clam up.