I know now

I have been struggling with my social anxiety, depression, low esteem and loneliness since I was 9. I have trouble to make any friends because I’m afraid of being judged, come across being awkward/weird/dumb, and accidentally being rude to people. I usually spending time alone all of my life. I’ve always hated that I’m lonely all the time Since I was 19, I’ve been trying to get help from mental health services such as therapists, psychiatrist, crisis lifeline, and support groups, especially advices such as getting out of my comfort zones, meditation, etc. None of these works. It’s not their fault that nothing works for me. Usually, therapists and especially my family don’t see what’s the problem is and shrugs off. But, I know now that nothing is going to help me. I should just deal with this alone and keep it to myself.

[GlowingDarkly]

The hardest pill to swallow when it comes to managing your mental health is that change really can only come from with in and the struggle to keep pushing forward.

God, I have spent so long hoping for a magic bullet that will help me manage my mental pain, I honestly still am looking for that magic bullet. But I am coming to terms with the fact that I got to do a lot of leg work, and it sounds like you have already put in a tremendous mount of work and effort so far with what sounds to be some very unsatisfactory results.

But do not give up on yourself! Believe in yourself. I am sure you’ve probably heard this kind of advice a thousand times over, but it is true.

Something I have been toying with is getting used to the idea of TRUSTING myself to know what is best for myself. My folks really have struggled to understand what my mental health challenges are, since from their perspective “they have experienced some measure of similar things but they just ‘pushed through’ and so I should have been able too.” Well no amount of talking with them about it will really move them far along that line. It sucks but life sometimes presents us with these kinds of disappointments.

So really the only thing I so far have been able to come up with a strategy to acknowledge and work on core issues I believe I have (with the help of my therapist) so I can begin to get some momentum on certain fronts. I was in a really horrible head space this past weekend and I eventually sat myself down and wrote a list of all the worst parts of myself I wish I could have go away. I tried to be as honest as I could be. Then I worked on turning them from “bad things” into items I wanted to improve upon. Just on paper mind you, hell I am so far away from actualizing them that its scary. But it is a start.

I am not sure if this is something you’ve tried yet yourself or even if it might work, but I think that if you believe in yourself, that you will know what is best for yourself - but proactively PUSH with a mindset of wanting to improve. When I did it, I felt a much needed reprieve from my own immediate anxiety and mental pain I am experiencing. And it gave me the space to begin working on something else. Momentum.

You do not need the validation of friends or family around you to tell you, if what you are feeling is real or not. The only person who needs to SEE you is YOU.

Make small steps, baby steps. Don’t feel you need to rush your mental health progress, which I can tell you from experience can spiral you into negative head spaces. But to believe in the process and to believe in yourself and keep on trying is one of the most important thing you can do for yourself. It is okay to feel like you fell flat on your face or have taken a step backwards, it is all part of the process. One day at a time.

I love awkward people, some of my best friends in the whole world are strange folk with weird brains. You just may need to find “your people” and in the mean time we’re all here in this forum because in a way we all want to find solidarity and community in our struggle. So in that sense, for what it’s worth, you’re not alone.

You are worthy of love and acceptance. I can see your pain almost as clearly as I see my own and it’s real and it is valid. And most importantly: you CAN do it.

[Wakeboarder24]

Sometimes it’s about finding the right therapist. Not all therapists are good or right for you. It’s a terrible process but can pay off in the end.