I opened to someone but.....

[UkyoCoanccy]

Yesterday I had a very good day with an old friend of mine. He and I lost contact for about 20 years but then we found each other again. We started to talk a lot and to know more each other so we want to try a love relationship. He was pretty much in love of me when we were young but I wasn't in that moment. He and I had our paths in different way but he always tried to contact me. Then 10 years ago he gave up and continue his life. He did not know that by that time I was falling in love of him. But again he continued with his life and got married. Now we both are free. He is in the middle of a divorce and we talk of everything we did not do 10 years ago. He said that even though he got married, he never forget about me.

So that is why we were now getting to know more each other and see if we can have a relationship.

Yesterday, there was a moment were I thought it was a good moment to confess something bad that happened to me when I was young.

I told him that part of my depression and anxiety was caused for child abuse against me. That also affects in certain way my intimacy with him. He never got mad about that problem but he was very confused because he wanted to make me happy in those moments too.

That is the reason why I decided to confess him my secret so he can understand more my issue.

That happened very early yesterday, but then he never talked to me the whole day. No any text or anything. I waited until now, but he still don't talk to me. I texted to him to ask if something wrong is happening but he just read my msj.

That makes me think that for any reason he doesn't want to talk to me.

I am thinking that he is seeing me as a bad person or something.

I am scared because he was my best friend. And it seemed that it was still the same. I am scared, hurt and confused. It is causing me a very bad moment. I am just crying and thinking why. It is so painful. I just can't handle it.

[UkyoCoanccy]

ThanksI always tried to to remember myself that it was not my fault. I was pretty sure that I understand it.

After this incident with my friend, I started to feel ashamed and some kind of guilt.

But these feelings are not because I think I was a victim. I feel this way because for any reason something inside my head is telling me that if something like that wouldn't happened to me in my childhood, probably now my situation with him would be different. I don't know if I explained well myself.

I know that I am wrong but I can't stop thinking of it.

I remember that my self esteem was much much better than now. I did not have to suffer because I felt that I was not good enough for someone.

Now , I make myself sick because I don't know why I am letting this happening to me.

It is frustrating.