I Feel Cheated

[EMP11993]

I cannot encourage parents enough to be diligent and pay attention to if their children need mental health care. As an adult who was diagnosed with depression in my 30s, my biggest regret was not getting diagnosed much earlier in life, and the symptoms were there.

I was always a sad and socially anxious child, and in my teens I turned to food for comfort. I hated myself, yet couldn't stop some of the self-defeating and self-harmful practices I picked up. The answer, according to my mother, was to just make me socialize with others so I could snap out of it. That didn't work, even with relatives. And her attempts at being positive did not go far because I had a never negative view of myself.

You can imagine how frustrating and downhearted I feel having my eyes opened with a wonderful medication that works for me only to see clearly than ever before, not only the consequences of poor judgment and a low self-esteem (I've seen that pre-treatment), but also a different path that I could've chosen to have a much happier life now (something I've only seen post-treatment) and how it's too late to treat the deep wounds that could've been completely avoided had I been diagnosed and treated earlier in life.

How did I get here? My father is an alcoholic who doesn't believe in mental healthcare but by all accounts has his own untreated mental illness, and my mother was busy keeping a house running in his mental, not physical, absence. How are we all fairing now? She, a sibling, and I are currently being treated for depression as adults due, in large part, to the actions of the father.

Some may say here that she should've left so the children could be happy. Let me say that whether she stayed or left when we were children would not have made us happy since children of broken homes are statistically unhappy and unstable adults themselves, the same as children of one or more angry alcoholic parents. How else can I say this except that the happiness of the children, no, the family, was sacrificed to the raging drunk in the house? In this situation, it's hard to point a firm finger because he has his story, too.

I'd be lying if I said life was one long nightmare; that's far from the truth. But it would be truthful to say that most of my time on this earth feels like it's been wasted because of being unable to make the right decisions, have the right relationships, and enjoy the right moments emotionally. It would also not be an understatement to say that my life would be much better had I received mental health treatment earlier in life, so much better. I feel robbed, cheated of the life I could've had.

I know that I should be grateful for receiving mental health at all, and I am. So many people go their entire lives with deeply negative emotions and thoughts that they are unable to control. For example, a friend of mine saw her father kill her mother when she was a child. She is elderly now, but revealed that because of that instance she will never feel happy, yet she had never sought counseling. My father is approaching old age and he is very much stuck in a cycle of alcohol and rage even now. Another friend from my father's generation believes in counseling only, but not the need for medication. She no doubt needs it from her own unbroken cycle of negativity, cynicism, and self-hatred.

So yes, being treated at any age is a blessing. Yet, I implore parents to get their children the help they need when they are younger so they can have a chance at having a happy life. 😊