My mother from my point of view has been condoning and even enabling my father’s abuse lately. I let her know today that my living will was changed recently (she was originally the person in charge should something happen to me, I changed that recently though) and she got upset. Said that I’m having knee-jerk reactions and overreacting to her and I having disagreements.
she and I recently argued because she said the abuse I suffered was “just verbal and emotional” and she downplayed it. I reminded her that I went through more than that, especially medically. She insisted what was done was done for the best for me and that I didn’t know what was best for myself. She said while I may be traumatized by things from my point of view, most people wouldn’t be traumatized by what they went through.
all in all, I’ve been upset with her lately. I’m especially irritated that my family keeps saying that I “overreact” to things all the time. She denies I have ptsd, and says that it’s okay we disagree about that. I told her no, it’s a fundamental part of who I am and I can’t just be okay with her denying that part of me.
I told her I can’t trust her. She said she hasn’t lied, and I said I can’t trust her because she has enabled my father and doesn’t have my best interests in mind. I hate being told I’m overreacting, it’s a bit of a trigger for me. I had to move back in with them to pay off debt but all I want to do is leave, change my name (my name reminds me of all the times I’ve been in trouble. It’s be freeing to change it) and get another dog as I had to put mine down because of cancer a few months ago.
I’m just very confused how to feel. I have a bad history of repeatedly and naively forgiving people for things when I shouldn’t so I’m feeling inclined to forgive, but I’m still upset and worried about her enabling and denials/arguing.
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LifeisLikeGarden
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Hi luv, I think sometimes its difficult for people to accept they have wronged or hurt you in some way.. I fit helps you why dont you write everything down that youve been through, you could buy a little tin to lock it in and just allow yourself to express all the stuff and hurt anger etc thats bothering you. Your Mum may be stuck in a negative cycle but you can move on with your life. Could you may be look into other ways to live like shared accomodation where costs wont be so high until you get yourself straight. Also I know its probably difficult for you to see your Mum struggling in an abusive situation, but it must be very difficult for her to deal with ha? I think we dont always understand other peoples decisions, but the world is pretty hard to live in right now so maybe your Mum is struggling to think about beingon her own if shes been with your Dad for a long time. Anyway, it sounds to me like you ve got enough serious tuff in your life to deal with, so treat yourself now and again, it doesnt have to be expensive, a nice walk somewhere pretty and a sandwich out, a favourite movie, some social time, a good book, some nice bath products.. I wish you all the best luv, you sound like a strong young lady.
As another person on here said people have trouble taking responsibility for actions that may have had a negative result. Or they were guilty by association. Because she was with your dad during those years and got a birds eye view of this. That's why she is willing to concede to the verbal and emotional abuse. But then also throws in the it wasn't as bad as you think it was.
These people delude themselves into thinking that these actions "help build character". These are also the same people that say "the silent generation" was the Greatest generation because they didn't complain about problems and have all these mental health issues. While totally ignoring the fact that most folks back then were suffering from depression and dealt with substance abuse like alcoholism. I know my grandfather used to get drunk off of cough syrup and my mom as a child would find him crying in the kitchen because he was afraid of life and not sure what he was doing.
What is so incredibly frustrating about all this is that it's people again trying to tell you how you should feel about what you went through. As if you don't know how you feel. You know that you went through emotional and verbal abuse. And it wasn't something like teasing that was taken maybe a bit too far. It will definitely left some wounds that required stitches. Some have healed into scars and others have not. There are some things you can let go of and some that you cannot. And the ones that you cannot let go of. It's not because you don't want to. It's because you can't, that's why it's called trauma. And with these traumas there are different roads to take to get to healing. Some. It's through counseling and maybe even with the assistance of pharmaceuticals.
I know how you feel on this. My parents have caused me to have certain issues. My mother was a big time verbal and emotionally abusive. And my father was also emotionally abusive. He never really told me hurtful things. He mainly lied and manipulated me when I was young. Which had a profound effect on my life. Same with my mother. Although with my mother, we were able to hash out our problems. We've had many difficult conversations about my childhood and what I went through. The years of therapy of trying to heal and get over things that were done and said. And my mother has apologized for the things that she has done and said. I know it's hard for her because pride is a hell of a thing. And also to apologize something for that you no longer remember.
My dad well I had to learn how to forgive him on my own. My dad is not an incredibly smart man. Emotions are too complex for him. I could tell him all the things that he did to me and how they made me feel. He'll just apologize. Of course he has no idea why he's apologizing for. He just says it so I'll feel better. To him. Sorry is just a word.
I hope you don't feel too bad about changing your living well. It's something that you had to do in order for you to feel comfortable with. And at this moment you don't feel comfortable with your mom being in charge of your wishes and final decisions. You do what you have to do. And I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not just the argument with your mother but also the abuse you suffered from as a child and onward.
Thank you so much for responding! I’m sorry about what you’ve been through. Mom did more the last few days and I’ve decided I’m gonna make a run for it. Dad “jokingly” said he’d beat me if I was a male. Mom said while it wasn’t appropriate for him to say that, it was “just a joke.” You’re right. Whether she knows it or not, she’s gaslighting me and it’s not okay. Thank you for your help and for listening as always! ❤️
I wondered the same. I asked how she’d feel if he said that to her son/my brother. She got kinda quiet. I got a storage unit, set up movers to come while they’re at work, asked a friend to let me stay (I’ll pay some rent while there) and look for a more permanent place. I might have jumped the gun, but also put a deposit down on a dog. I’m not going to worry too much about paying my mom back right now. Just going to focus on making myself feel better. I’ve been a bit suicidal as well, so I’m hoping a dog puts me in a better place like my last one did. I also have the paperwork ready to be submitted to change my legal name. A lot has happened in the last few days, but it’s good. I’m already feeling lighter. Happy. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that didn’t seem to end. Thank you for listening to me! I appreciate it!
Dogs are great listeners and they love unconditionally. I'm a dog owner myself. The only shame is that they don't live as long as people. Dogs and cats help with reducing anxiety and depression. Also dogs can tell when you are stressed and they get stressed too.
Well I think it's best to move out on your own. Helps with keeping your sanity. Stay any longer and you might start questioning if it's right for you to feel this way? Start doubting yourself. Plus having to walk on eggshells because you don't want to upset your parents for them to make a rude or snide comment.
Idk about a legal name change. But if that is something you wanted done for years then go for it.
My sister JG changed her last name when she got married. Because as she told us "why keep the surname of a father who didn't even want me." So I get it. My partner has even considered changing his surname as well. Partly because he's adopted. Although in his youth he was treated wonderfully by his adoptive parents. They never made him feel like he was adopted. But as he got older it seems he became an outsider despite being a good son and brother. People who know his family, don't know about him or they have completely forgotten that this family adopted him. Given his family has changed so much or rather he's finding out who they really are. He wonders if he should keep a name that doesn't hold any honor. Doesn't want to go back to his original name because well he was put up for adoption and was never wanted by his biological mother. She kept her other kids but not him. But lately he's soften on the idea. Because he has wonderful nieces and he wants to keep his name to honor them.
Me, I'm fine with my name. Granted my dad's surname doesn't have much honor to it. But I have made it into something.
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