Willingness - as a way of living. Tough moments and days

[Gandolfication]

I'm having a lot of tough moments right now, as I'm passing through serious suicidal ideations and moments and days.

I'm practicing willingness, in an ordinary and ACT kind of way.

psychotherapyacademy.org/se....

It's kind of a Yoda-like "do or do not, there is no try" kind of proposition and phenomenon. I have to make the next right little choice I can, even when the feelings for me are beyond intense, and the thoughts of all the seemingly-obvious reasons I should end myself and this pain--seem obvious. I want and intend to keep working on the stuff from this remarkable book by Stephen Hayes and his collaborator. amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind-In...

I've listened to it 3 x, done the exercises a couple times at least, and am now slowly going back through a companion Workbook version he came out with later. For me, this comes after essentially, an adult lifetime of reading, studying, working with experts, and trying to "figure out" the best forms of self help and evidence-based therapy, medicine, etc.

For a little over a year, I was serving as the magistrate presiding over my region's mental health court. I am back in private law practice now. It feels like my entire life is falling apart, once again, and it feels like this has never stopped over the past 15 years. I've wanted to end my life most of this time, and it seems like an irrefutable philosophical mandate and emotional imperative that I should. Hell, I've read books on suicide and written, I think rather elegantly, about deep nuance of it, because it is personal, and in some sense, important. A large Part of me HATES whatever survival instinct and obnoxious clinging to reality and hope and optimism persist.

Yet, right now, partly on faith, I'm going to go do the next right thing, which, hard and mundane to say, is opening up a client's email I've been neglecting, and getting back to it. A friend told me today, "Dread is a feigned certainty about the future." I'm crying as I write this, here goes. I opened the email. I'm about to start back into the thing I'm currently dreading most...

[Hidden]

you’ve gone through the tough and there is light at end of dark tunnel but please please do phone crisis line / suicide prevention line

[gajh]

I am sorry that you are having a lot of tough moments right now. I am glad that you are here reaching out for support. You are not alone. I am glad that you have found a book and workbook that are helping at least a little. Are you on any medications? Are you in therapy? Are you finding this site helpful?

[Gandolfication in reply to gajh]

Hi thanks Gajh,

(not sure why I don't seem to get notifications of response here...will check my settings).

Yes, I'm on medications. I've used so, so many over the years, as well as quite a few extraordinary forms of treatment. They don't really seem to do anything for me. Yes, I have a therapist, who is okay. Nice lady. One thing I look forward to in the future is going back and getting to work with my previous therapist, who was also one of my better law professors. I was making progress on things and enjoyed it a lot more. Thanks for your encouragement here. Hope to chat again.

[gajh in reply to Gandolfication]

Hello. I am glad to hear from you. I am curious what your extraordinary forms of treatment have been. I am glad that you have a therapist who is okay. I hope you get to go back to your previous therapist soon though. Are you finding this site helpful? I think it is a good thing that you are still able to work. At least that is a distraction for you. To give yourself a break from the negative thoughts. It sounds like you have put so much time and energy into getting better. I wish you were seeing positive results for your efforts. What have you found that helps yourself feel better? What coping skills do you use? I hope you will get your notification of my response.

[Gandolfication]

Me too...I just checked my settings and have it set to get email notifications for most things including replies. Not sure why it's not right now. Anyway...

Re:

"I think it is a good thing that you are still able to work. At least that is a distraction for you. To give yourself a break from the negative thoughts. It sounds like you have put so much time and energy into getting better. I wish you were seeing positive results for your efforts. What have you found that helps yourself feel better? What coping skills do you use?"

You're right, I guess it is a good thing I'm still able to work, sort of. It is the source of enormous stress and anxiety that drives me to the edge again and again. I guess I think of it much more as the cause for, rather than distraction from negative thoughts, but I realize this is partly a matter of perspective, and its not something that's all good or all bad. I do try to practice gratitude, and mindful self compassion through affirmations, guided meditations, some yoga, I work very hard to maintain a good morning exercise, and sleep routines. I try to do breathing exercises when I can muster the focus, and I've really struggled to use these (I feel stupid saying that). Today, I felt like I was just going crazy with anxiety and overwhelm, so I took a walk outside at a nice park behind my office. I'm just struggling and suffering right now, and it feels hopeless. I just lost my amazing girlfriend which sucks...I've gotten back out there and am dating. It will pass, but I don't know if it will be very feasible in my situation with 3 young kids, an ex-wife who is not very helpful, a heavy financial burden, impaired ability to work it seems, and difficult scheduling with another person who also will have their own kids and needs. But I'll keep trying.

I have done so many medications. I've taken courses and practiced CBT, DBT, ACT myself and with professionals. There's good stuff in it when I can do it, which I find difficult. I tried TMS, Ketamine trials, advanced hypnotherapy (one session), art therapy, DNA testing, hormone treatment, herbal medicines/supplements, and some more exotic psychedelics under responsible care and circumstances. What have I found that works? Exercise, physical movement, is the most reliable thing that helps me feel better than I otherwise would. Human love and connection. And while I'm of course grateful for the friends and relationships I have and am developing, I feel mostly isolated most of the time, other than my kids, who I love but to me are feel more of a burden. Ug, that all sounded so pessimistic. It's how I feel right now. I appreciate your listening.