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Thinking about death so much i can’t live

cinnamonapple89
cinnamonapple89
25 Replies

Honestly the only thing I’m thinking right now is “wtf an I doing ANYTHING for if wt literally any moment I can just be gone?” I post about this concept a lot but it REALLY interferes with my life. It digs me deeper in my depression. At random moments I’ll literally be like “I can die right now”. It scares me and it consumes me and I started to not do anything in my life because...for what? Because “Enjoy life while you have it” right? How can I do that if I don’t know when I won’t have it. I can’t ignore it. And it’s so odd to me because I only started obsessing over it the last 3 years or so. So at one point it wasn’t a prominent thought in my mind. I am on a spiritual awakening and am seeing things for exactly what they are now and I know that’s adding a factor as well. I usually hate talking about my awakening because I can see how it sounds so weird but it really has changed my whole behavior and how I act and how I interpret things and it’s just the freakiest experience. Thanks for reading. hope it made sense.

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HelpWanted92

I struggle with this allot too but first, Tell me more about this spiritual awakening. Has something happened to you in the last three years that’s has made death a part of your thinking or is it because of this spiritual awakening.

I hope we can figure this out together :)

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cinnamonapple89

I think the awakening has made me really see death for what it is. It’s made me not just ignore it because it definitely WILL happen.

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Miamaria
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cinnamonapple89

Someone else told me I have OCD too but I’ve only been actually Sosa gnoses to have depression and anxiety. My therapist thinks it’s a symptom of a very deep depression

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Miamaria

I would get a second opinion. When I was in my early twenties , I went to a therapist that didn’t understand what OCD was, and I didn’t get proper treatment. Do you experience anxiety when you get the thoughts?

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Miamaria

Sounds like a subset of OCD, Suicidal OCD/Existential OCD. Do these thoughts make you feel anxious? I have this type of OCD and before treatment my compulsion was to go figure it out, and google the topic of the meaning of life, and mentally check if I was depressed/suicidal. And it is a horrible feeling causing major anxiety. If you have a therapist, ask them about this.

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HelpWanted92

You said before treatment. What treatment did you do?

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Miamaria

I searched for an anxiety specialist in my area, because of the major anxiety these thoughts caused me. She uses cognitive behavioral therapy( cbt) and exposure and response prevention (erp). She diagnosed me with OCD once I told her I couldn’t get these scary thoughts and images out of my head. I was obsessed, and still when I am under a lot of stress I m still bombarded with wierd thoughts, but I have the tools now to cope. A thought is just a thought.

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HelpWanted92

I think I may have the same thing. I obsess over negative things. Negative thoughts, I can read something like “wow there’s a new disease that everyone is getting” now I can’t stop thinking about that disease.

I may bring that up the next time I go to therapy.

I want to learn more about CBT

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Miamaria

I’ve so been there!!! The thing with OCD, is that it changes themes all the time. Our mind gets stuck on certain topics, and it creat A LOT of anxiety.

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HelpWanted92

Yes! I’m just hoping one day I can find a way to control it!

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Miamaria

It’s not about controlling or fighting thoughts or even the anxiety. It’s accepting it and the uncertainty that comes with it. That’s the work:)

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Miamaria

Their is a great podcast called “CBT School” I highly recommend it!

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cinnamonapple89

Same! I OBSESS over things

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Southpark
Southpark
in reply to Miamaria

My therapist is going to start CBT today. I’m hoping it helps with anxiety and sleep problem. I have suicidal thoughts too .... hanging onto my faith and asking God to help me get through this.

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MariaLove123

Awakenings can be good. Of course it’s associated with change, which not a lot of people like who have mental illness. It’s uncomfortable. And now the season is changing and anxiety is everywhere! People I know who don’t have mental illness and never have anxiety, are even experiencing it. Being afraid of dying is common but that’s a reason to live life to the fullest. Go on trips, go on adventures and do fun things! Let the fear of death lead you to living happy and grateful 💜

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lynnalice

I’ve also had a spiritual awakening and have been going through the reality of certain death. It has definitely shaken me to the core and cause me great stress, anxiety and depression. I have been going through a state of mourning that those I love are only here for a limited time. Some days I have felt sick to my stomach. I also suffer from deep codependency issues. I have been an addict to various things over the years so I never faced reality until the past year or so. Since then I have had constant revelations about life, many causing great pain. I am however learning to integrate truth, both good and bad. All I can say is that my God has provided strength and guidance through this process. It’s far from over but today I have a sense of comfort that I didn’t have even yesterday. It’s a blessing.

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cinnamonapple89

Omg the exact same for me. Mourning the fact that I know they won’t be here forever. It really, really is crippling.

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pink83737

Wow, I really know how you feel! You definitely aren’t alone in this, it’s a daily struggle for me too. Have you heard of mindfulness? I would try researching and looking into it! Maybe it could help you :) suicidal thoughts can be very scary sometimes but they will pass

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Bright2019

Things will get better as change is coming, in just a week we will be living in a better world by The Grace of God !

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Shadow123-

Hi there friend.

I was wondering what u mean about "your spiritual awakening". Sounds really interesting and i need some motivation.

Of course it's a personal struggle, so please don't worry if it's something you would rather not talk about .

Peace

Shadow x

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Ted-E_Bare

You aren't alone. I realized at about 5 what death was, and that I couldn't do anything about it. I remember all the details. I can tell you if you know Jesus Christ and get to Him personally through His Word, there is a peace that is there, but it's different. I still deal with the fear of death. I don't try to obsessively think about it, but the way I suffer with anxiety, those thoughts go through my mind on a regular basis. When I am feeling the intensity of anxiety and my body is going bonkers, it becomes evident. I'm not afraid of after I die, but I just don't like to think about how, and so on. I have been afraid of it for most of my life. I'm almost 50. When the thoughts come through my mind, I give the situation to Him. I may or may not feel relief, but I trust Him. There is a purpose for you and I, and everyone here. If it takes being led to a forum like this to share just how much God loves you (and I know people are thinking - if He loves me, why am I going through this? - I think that myself, but I know His plans are greater and just because I don't see the purpose doesn't mean there isn't one). If you or any reader wants to know who God is, or have someone to pray with you, I would be happy to.

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cinnamonapple89

Thank you everyone. Suffering with these thoughts as I speak. I just want to love everyone because I feel like I’m going to die soon. I really don’t know why i feel that way and because I don’t know make me think there’s an odd reason that I feel this way. It’s very unsettling.

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IChoose

Feelings aren't fact. You're certainly going through a hard time right now. I hope you've gained some insight and things are better. Sending lots of positivity and smiles.

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michael07

I wonder if this is what they call the dark night of the soul.

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