I do not know If anybody here thinks they made a mistake by getting married to their spouse or not. But this is mostly what I feel right now.
We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. And I remember the second time I met him the topic of smoking coming up. And I told him that being addicted to cigarettes is like one of my boundaries and I do not want to even start a relationship if he smokes.
And I presicely remember him telling me that he doesnt smoke. Now we are married. And throughout all this time it became clear to me that he smokes, like vapes and electronic cigarettes. A lot .
He just used to hide it or do it when I was not around.
Now that I found out about this I feel like I have been fooled, he lied to me for so long and even now he tells me that it is not a big deal and I am too sensitive. I should not care about this matter at all. Because he is what he always have been and this should not affect my perception of him or his character.
Maybe it shouldnt. But it does. It is not in my control. I always had this strong feeling toward smoking (for as long as I can remember) and certainly did not want to marry a person who has this habbit.
I feel like I can not trust him, and it makes me so sad and alone and under pressure.
Every time that I see an e-cigarette in his hands it makes me hate him a little bit. And be sorry for myself and my own stupidity. Like how could I be so blind for so loooong ????????
His condition is defenitely worsening and it doesnt look like that he is going to quit.
And the worst part is that his family or my family do not know about his condition. He just told me this because I am his wife. And he asked me not to reveal his secret to other people.
I dont know what to do.
If I knew this from the start I wouldnt even go out with him. But now I did and I do love him. But at the same time I do not want him. I want my time and my emotions back.
This feeling that I have toward smoking might be because of some childhood memories.I dont know. I am not really sure. But I just hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And I do not want it near me.
Can anybody please give me some advice? What should I do? Am I being unreasonable ? How can I control these negative emotions that I have ? I JUST WANT TO CRY.
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Schatten
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Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. You say you love him. That is the most important thing. Giving up smoking is unbelievably difficult. I know as I am a former smoker. Try to understand the difficulty he has and maybe gradually help him to stop. This may require medical help. He clearly wants to stop and is embarrassed by his smoking; that is why he hides it. As you love him, try to help. x
Thank you so much for your answer.I really need help myself.
I want to help him. I really do. I hate myself for careing this much about his smoking.
I have too many mixed feelings. I felt alot worse when I was writing this post. Since then I have been watching him, I love his every single move. The way he sits, his smile, the way he scrolls up and down on his phone, the way he was drinking his tee and then washing his cup. Now he is watching some sports event.
We are not currently talking to each other... it is childish perhaps.
Do you really think he is embarrassed and wants to quit? How can I help? I'd be happy to know your opinion. If you have time of course.
I can promise you that 99% of people who smoke do want to quit. I know how hard I tried. Since he hides it I think that shows and proves that he is very embarrassed by his smoking. In the last five years or so it has become socially unacceptable to smoke. In terms of helping him, it will not be easy and there may be many setbacks. I think the first thing to do is to talk to him and see how he feels about smoking--not how you feel, but how HE feels. Then maybe the two of you can make a plan. Sometimes nicotine patches can help. It may be worth talking to a doctor for ideas.
The most important thing is that you love him. That is priceless and does not happen very many times in anyone's lifetime. Don't throw it away because of something he cannot help doing at this time. Love to both of you.
I myself never smoked, and my parents never smoked and my siblings and friends are also not smokers. I do not have enough information about how it actually is.
He told me that he only vapes. And this vape that he has is especially made for people that want to quit and doesn't have that much nicotine. He told me that 20 puffs of it equals to 1 cigarette. Is this true ?
And he told me that he has been trying to use it less than before. But I just counted the number of his puffs yesterday till noon because we were home unlike always.
It was definitely more than 20.
I mean even if he uses it only 20 times then It would be 1 cigarette a day, 7 a week, and... isn't it too many ?? Is it like a mild addiction? Or moderate? Or is it bad??
I told him honey please stop it do not use it any more. And super kindly I took the vape. He actually gave it to me. I asked him to give that to me please and he gave it. It was after lunch. I told him lets talk lets have some tee.
I just wanted to distract him.
Then about maybe 30 to 40 minutes later, he told me give my vape back. I told him why honey? Do you feel like you need to use it again? Then he just yelled: give it back! Then he got angry. I was just lying on the bed and he was standing in front of me. He started to get reallyyyyy angry. I did not even have time to answer anything. I was falling sleep. It was the first time that he yelled at me like that. And it was real. He really was angry. I asked him are you really yelling at me because of an object ?? Is it that important for you? It's on the table. I did not hide it or anything..
And he just picked it up and left the room.
And it just hit me. He must be a real addict. Why else would he react like this?
I just started crying because well I didn't know what to do. I am not a week person believe me. I never stand still and let people yell at me or abuse me. But I was just so shocked. I did not expect this behavior from my husband. If it was anybody else I would have probably react in a dufferent way.
And this incident is actually the reason why I looked for this website and started writing here.
I don't know anything about vaping, as I never did it. You might be able to find some information on the internet, or from your pharmacist. As to being an addict, anybody who smokes is a real addict. Nicotine is very very addictive. I don't think just taking the vaping item away from him is going to help. He will get angry, as he did, or he will buy another one and hide it. Look for apps (as someone else suggested), talk yo your doctor, see if there are any quit smoking support groups in your area (some hospitals have them), etc. I would also add to think very carefully before you end the relationship. x
Many of us come here because we don’t know where else to turn, glad you joined us! It’s wonderful you love and support him ♥️ .
When I first met my husband he smoked and like you I insisted he quit before we got serious. It took a few months but he did eventually quit … but then turned to alcohol to deal with whatever was causing him to become an addict.
Fast forward about 10 years and the tables have turned. I got incredibly overwhelmed/anxious and started vaping marijuana - about 9 months ago (it’s legal where I live). I’m currently weaning myself off but it’s hard. I used to be so certain I’d never be a smoker (both of my grandparents died from cancer caused by smoking) but traumatic events made me feel out of control and vaping was one thing I could rely on to calm me down.
I was so adamant about not smoking and now I’m the one doing it. It’s freaking ironic.
My husband has taken my vape pen from me a few times because he was mad and it really messed me up in the brain. To have the one thing that gave me relief and comfort snatched away felt awful. I know it came from a good place in his heart but the impact on me was traumatic. I understand why your husband reacted that way, he is vaping to give himself relief from something. Once he can figure that out and start working on himself, he will hopefully be able to build resilience and quit.
He sounds like someone who wants to do things on his own - may I suggest he download some apps on his phone to help him quit? There are also support groups for family members of addicts - you can check out samhsa.gov/families
I hope this is helpful. Please feel free to ask questions - marriage is hard!
P.s. your needs are valid and important. Glad you joined us!
Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy that you shared your experience with me. It certainly helps. I hope that both you and your husband be able to overcome these obstacles.
It never even crossed my mind that this could have been the other way around. And I did not know that we have applications for quiting. You must think that I am living under a rock or something, because nowadays there is an app for every thing. :))))
I am going to check the support group you mentioned as well.
It's just that when I tried to bring this subject up my husband gets defensive. He would not even let us talk. At least for now.
I am hoping for the best. Thanks again. I am way way way more calm since I have been talking to people here.
I have actually so many questions about the smoking itself. Like I really want to know how addicted is my husband. Because honestly, I have no clue.
He used to hide it and was able to hide it at least. But now he can't or doesn't want to.. I do not know! How many cigarettes a day is too many? Do you happen to know this by any chance?
Ooh that’s a good question. So it usually takes me about a week to vape a full 1 gram but when I was really bad, I’d finish one in like 3 days. See how often he changes it out to get an idea. I’d say, if he was hiding it from you and got upset when you asked why he wanted it back, those are addictive behaviors regardless of how often he smokes.
Thank you for the kind words. Most days are just fine but things are rough during the hard days. Sending you tons of support and don’t feel embarrassed about asking questions!
I think what you're feeling is totally reasonable. He says that he's the same person and doesn't change his character but it does because he wasn't honest. I would have a long talk about this with him and let him know all your feelings about it, you're the one who's been disrespected not him and you have a big issue with smoking. It's worth talking about
Dear Artistfriend, thank you so much for your answer.
Tbis is exactly how I feel. It is so nice to be undrestood by another person. I was thinking that maybe my feelings and emotions are not valid or right..
I just don't know what my decision should be? Should I ignore this issue. Should I try not to care about smoking? I want to have kids and every thing..
I thought I had a good stable husband. Now I am not that sure. He lied to me for a long time. He is an addict probably. And I don't think it is safe to bring a child into this situation.
I am almost 30. I dont know what to do?
What if I give it like a year and things don't get better? Am I overreacting or overthinking??
Well..
Thanks again. You don't have to reply to this. I'd be happy if you do but I don't expect an answer. 🌷🙏🏼
Its not a decision to make right away i dont think. Talk about it, see what he says, people do change or if hes at least willing to honestly try that says something. Theres always compromises in relationships, its ultimately up to you, what you feel deep inside. The best thing is to be honest with him
so sorry you’re dealing with this. Especially cause you feel you were lied to or misled Combo. But try not to be too hard on yourself for not noticing or picking up on it and try not to be too hard on him cause he could’ve been addicted to smoking but is a good person and fell in love with you and that love is honest and real. Just don’t base your whole relation on this. It’s a hurdle and challenge and maybe you guys can work on it. He could talk to his primary doctor they’re usually helpful in tools to quit if he really wants to quit. Hang in there.
Honesty is very important to have. What else will he lie about? That’s how I see it. And since smoking really is something you can’t stand, then that that is important in your relationship also. I feel like open communication is a top priority between couples. Can you have a talk and figure out how you both can agree on a way to work on these two problems, the lying, and the smoking? I used to smoke and it’s very difficult. If he wants to quit maybe you can help him.
Hi I am a bit confused here. From what you said he isn't smoking cigarettes but vaping?
For me the issue is he wasn't honest with you from the start and naturally some of the trust between you has gone. Like you said if he has lied about this then what else has he been lying about.
I think the 2 of you need to have a serious talk. Not about vaping but about honesty and trust.
Thank you so much. I am so happy that I got introduced to this website I literally had no body to talk to.Yes he vapes , but he also smokes real cigarettes. He does that outside. He tells me he doesnt do that actually.. but I know he does. I mean how much can you hide the smell??
I mean he is at work for most of the day. And his coworker who is his friend is a smoker.
I like believe that he won't do that at work. But I just can not trust his words.
You know I never saw myself getting married, it was never the thing I was looking for. Dating going out with guys or anything.. I wanted to have a family but my approach was when a good guy comes across then I'll just know.
I dont know how he came into my life. But in my eyes he was this sweet guy who is honest. One of our promises to each other, that he actually iniciated it was that: no matter what happens I will never lie to you. About anything. Good or bad. It was an important moment and promise to me.
Then I remember us having so many other memories.. for example the day that we were shooting some photos together as a couple , we went to a restaurant afterwards. It had one of those open-smoking areas. And I told him aaaaaaahhhh I hate smoking lets sit inside. It was at least 2 months before our ceremony.
Ond soooo many other times. These might have been little moments but he could have told me way sooner.
I have to talk to him. And I will for sure. I just dont want to say anything wrong or be a not supportive wife.
well I can’t say I don’t smoke cigarettes or bud. As far as me it’s a coping skill to avoid yelling and confrontations. On the other if you love him there are gonna be self sacrifices. Unfortunately this vice is a trigger. Have you explained it to him yet and have y’all come to some kind of compromise yet. Sometimes that’s all it takes then taking his ass to a clinic to show him what his lungs look like after so many years of smoking. I say apart from not being happy sometimes being apart might be an eye opener to him and maybe he see the value in you versus the cigarettes
Smoking can be a big issue in a relationship. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes, I find it repulsive; the smell permeates everything. I would never date anyone who was a smoker. My ex was an ex-smoker when we met then during our marriage he started back up again after his mom became seriously ill. I told him that if he continued our relationship would be in trouble. He made a half-assed attempt to quit but never did. There were other issues that led to our divorce but the smoking was certainly a contributing factor. I lost a dear friend to lung cancer. You can be supportive but also need to think if his smoking is something you can live with if he doesn't quit.
Hi, thank you for your comment. I am honestly afraid. I am afraid that he promises to quit , and then drag it for a year and don't actually do it. Because I am sure that I can not live with it.
I mean I have to change a lot to be able to live with it..
Hello Schatten. I think that a marriage and family therapist would be able to help both of you. Trust is a big issue in a marriage, and so is honesty. Your husband has an addiction and would benefit from attending an addiction group. Your husband has to make the decision that he wants to take serious steps to quit- and that will be a challenge. I understand how you feel, as I am allergic to smoke and tobacco.
He lied to you. No matter how he tries to call it something else, he lied to you.
If he doesn't take responsibility for that, he's telling you something about how he feels.
Don't be manipulated by the nonsense talk, blaming you for being too sensitive, or saying this isn't a big deal. Maybe smoking isn't a big deal, maybe it is. But that's not what I hear you saying.
The big deal is he deliberately lied to you and misled you.
To my mind, it's an even bigger deal that he's blaming you for being in the wrong.
That's exactly like that. I feel like smoking aside, he lied to me not just once. Like a lot of times and for many many many days. I kind of feel like I don't trust him anymore. I mean when ever I think about all of this I just want to cry. I might even cry right now.
I must have been a fool or a pretty naive person. Because now that I know what is going on I can see clues that I could have paid more attention to.
The upside is that my hearing is getting stronger and stronger. Whenever he breathes a little bit louder than usuall I notice. It is of course the vape. :))))
Just a quick reply because it's late. I feel you need to say all of this to your husband - how you feel about being lied to, and how much you love him despite this. Then to find a way to help him. Actually letting him know how it has affected you might go a long way to motivating him to stop.
Thant you for your time despite the fact that it's late. I know I should. But since yesterday I haven't been talking to him. Just a few hello s and goodbyes or.. here and there.
I want to talk, but it's like something is not letting me. I have no words. I am constantly talking about this issue with him in my head though.. 😓 If that counts..
From what I gathered from every bodies ideas and comments here:
I should definitely talk to him
Tell him again that this is a very big deal to me
Try to go with him to a doctor
Find him good applications for quiting
Looking for clues to see how serious he is to quit, ( I mean I haven't talked to him since yestetday, and he tried 3 to 4 times so talk to me, hug me , kiss me but not even once he apolagised or said he is sorry.)
Look for quiting support groups
Look for good family therapist
And finally based on how these go, I should rethink my decisions.
Please wish us a good future with each other because It hearts me deaply to even consider ending our relationship.
It sounds to me that he values smoking more than your relationship. Once again, tell him exactly how you feel and give him an ultimatum; get help through a stop-smoking program, or this marriage is over. You will never be happy if things continue as they are. Good luck!
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. I tried to be super clear about this matter with him once again. We are currently working on it. Thanks for the good luck wish we really need it. 🙏🏼🌸
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I am not sure
Trusting
Thanks so much All Alone, Lilly puppy, JEG, Masa, others who gave me such lovely support with my relationship. There's been a good outcome!
Why am I like this!!!
